During my drive home from work this morning, I contemplated whether I should hold onto hopes of reconciliation. Guess guilt and my fear of being disappointed in the outcome got the best of me.
If we do reconcile, would it be fair for him? Would he be able to accept me back into his life wholeheartedly? Would things be the same? I don’t want the kind of marriage we had before this.
I know that if I was DBing, no matter what the outcome, I will be in a better position to live my life with/without him. I just don’t understand why I am confused about what I want. One minute I can’t bear the thought of not spending the rest of my life with H as his W. The next, I feel great we can still be friends without all the commitment. Has anyone been in the same position?
Later in the afternoon, we (H, DD, his immediate family, and I) attend a house warming party for his cousin. H actually spends much more time by me at this gathering than at any other events we have gone to. Good sign? I am usually left to mingle with everyone else whether I have been introduced to them or not. Over the years, I have grown accustomed to this so this was a surprise to me. The surprises don’t stop there. H inquired if I wanted something to eat, if so, he was going to get it for me. Like I said I was usually left to my own devices, so this was a welcome change. Could he be doing a 180?
Or should I attribute this to him being aware I was upset prior to coming to the gathering? H found me in the bedroom on the phone looking quite concern. I was on the phone with the bank, frustrated they had made a mistake which caused my account to be overdrawn. I shooed him out of the room. When he asked if anything was wrong, I replied with a no. H did not pursue with questioning, but stated there is something wrong. I have never been good with my finances. H had always taken care of it. I didn’t want him to be reminded of what a burden it was to handle it for me. Me, meaning my parents finances as well.
H wouldn’t have acted that way simply because he thought I was upset, right? When I was upset before, if I stated nothing was wrong he wouldn’t have acted so nice. H would have simply concluded I was able to handle it on my own.
Even if I don’t consider those actions, I can be happy for the following. I caught him looking at me several times across the room with adoration. Thinking about it, warms my heart.
Quote: If you don't mind me asking. How do you feel when she calls you?
I sometimes feel as though she wants to reconcile, but she's to proud and still a tad bit to confused to come right out and say it. I think she uses these unnecessary phone calls to keep me on a short leash just in case she decides she made a mistake. It makes me feel good, but I don't let it get my expectations to high.
At one point, I would have unconditionally taken her back. Now, I know in order for it to work, she's going to have to give me her mind, body, and soul. I don't want a half ass commitment.
She's really giving me conflicting signs lately. Don't read to much into your H's actions, but if he's calling you on things that could wait or are not that important, then he still has feelings for you.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I read your latest post and it sounds like you have more than just signs to deal with.
Do you suppose she is worried that things will be back to the way it was without the improvements if you do reconcile?
I was more affectionate with my H when I thought he was seeing OW too. Mainly because I needed reassurance he still found me desirable and I wanted to think he would think of me no matter what he was doing with OW.
Quote: Do you suppose she is worried that things will be back to the way it was without the improvements if you do reconcile?
No, she knows that I took responsibility and recognized what I was doing wrong. Her number one complaint was me working to much and not spending enough time with her and my boys. I use to volunteer for allot of overtime and special projects at work. I was involved with allot of extracurricular activities outside of work as well. She was always very envious of my time. I didn't always involve her in my life's pursuits like I should have and my priorities were not focused on her and family. This, I'm very sorry for and realize I've lost precious time. I've tempered that and have learned to manage my time, commitments, and family better. I've been spending more quality time with my boys during the last year than I have in the past 6 years. I think she sees now that I could devote more time to her and family if we were to get back together. She realizes I've re-prioritized my life, she's complimented me several times about the change. Even gets angry sometimes and asked me why I couldn't do it sooner when we were living together and before our breakup.
I think it's more of a conflict with her now than with me or our future. She's still confused and isn't sure what she wants, but I know her attraction to me has been reawakened. If not emotionally, for sure physically. This OM is still influencing her thoughts, but I see that dissipating astimegoeson.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Realizing the damage I have done, I wish I could speak to ppl like your WAH and tell them first hand what they are out to lose. It took me over a year and a pregnancy to get it, so don't lose heart. He will eventually see the light. For his sake I hope you still want him when he does.
I wish you, and everyone else who has seen the light could talk some sense into him, (and every other WAS out there), too. If only it were that simple! I've tried to let him know that I'm here for him for whatever, whenever. I say that to him because I'm worried about him, and wish there was something I could do to help. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure he just reads it as me pursuing and not "getting on with my life". I wish there were a way I could explain to him that that's not really what it's about at this point for me, I really just am concerned about his mental and emotional state, and that despite the fact he's been treating me like crap, that that doesn't change the fact that I'm still here for him to help him if he wants it. But there's no way I can make him see it from my point of view. Should there come a time when he does change his point of view and wants to contact me again, I will definitely be there for him.
Originally Posted By: Astimegoeson
At one point, I would have unconditionally taken her back. Now, I know in order for it to work, she's going to have to give me her mind, body, and soul. I don't want a half ass commitment.
I wish I could say that to H right now. "Don't worry, the way we both are now, neither one of us are fit to be in a relationship with anyone, including each other. So don't worry, at this exact point in time I don't actually want you back. If we ever do get back together, which I'm still hopeful can happen down the track, we need to be in the right place emotionally, and we have to commit to it properly and start from scratch so that this time we get it right. But just because I don't believe we can be together right now, that doesn't mean I want us to be strangers, either." I wish I could make him understand that!
Originally Posted By: 4ever_Regretful
Or should I attribute this to him being aware I was upset prior to coming to the gathering? H found me in the bedroom on the phone looking quite concern. I was on the phone with the bank, frustrated they had made a mistake which caused my account to be overdrawn. I shooed him out of the room. When he asked if anything was wrong, I replied with a no. H did not pursue with questioning, but stated there is something wrong. I have never been good with my finances. H had always taken care of it. I didn’t want him to be reminded of what a burden it was to handle it for me. Me, meaning my parents finances as well.
Did you ever tell him who you were on the phone with? I know you say you didn't want to burden him with the financial problems, but if he didn't know that you were talking to the bank, then he might have wondered just who you were talking to, and when there are already trust issues, creating an environment for suspicion to run rife isn't ideal.
I'm glad he's been paying you more attention. Here's hoping he continues to do so.
Me:30 H:30 Together:10yr H left:Oct3'06,couple weeks before 5th wed anniv. No Kids OW bomb:Jan19'07 My thread: He filed.
Did you ever tell him who you were on the phone with? I know you say you didn't want to burden him with the financial problems, but if he didn't know that you were talking to the bank, then he might have wondered just who you were talking to, and when there are already trust issues, creating an environment for suspicion to run rife isn't ideal.
I didn't. The thought crossed my mind, but I guessed I wished he would have asked me who it was. At least that would tell me he still even cared. Later I did talk to him about my younger brother. I am sure he thinks I am having issues with my family. That would not be out of the ordinary for me.
Did you ever tell him who you were on the phone with? I know you say you didn't want to burden him with the financial problems, but if he didn't know that you were talking to the bank, then he might have wondered just who you were talking to, and when there are already trust issues, creating an environment for suspicion to run rife isn't ideal.
The thought crossed my mind, but I didn't. In a way I wanted him to wonder and ask me. At least that would mean he still cared to. Later I talked to him about my younger brother. I think he may just attribute it to my family issues. That would not be out of the ordinary for me.
<b>The Good:</b> Went bowling with SIL, H, nieces, and nephew. I was genuiuely enjoying myself so being bubbly and confident was easy. H and I joked around and even made a small wager on our game.
<b>The Bad:</b> Once we got back from bowling, H says he is going out for coffee with his friend. He has been doing that the last several weekends. He was suppose to be back for dinner. When SIL called him to pick something up on the way home, he tells her he will not be coming back for dinner. No call was made to me. H was suppose to leave the next morning about 2-3 am to his business trip. Trying to ignore the hurt/pain, I proceed to finish up the laundry so he may have clean clothes for his trip. I lay out what he may need on the bed. H gets home at about 11pm and packs. As he packs, he tells me a client came into town so he had to go to dinner with him. Then he proceeds to tell me after he showers he will need to go out again to entertain this client. He will be leaving from there to his business trip. I couldn't put on a happy face, but I didn't say anything neither. Not that I didn't believe him. My male cousin was waiting outside for him. They work together. But the part that hurt the most was he didn't want to spend anytime with me before he left. After his shower, he tells me where he had left some cash in case I needed it. Kiss the baby and leaves. I would have asked for a kiss or hug, but I didn't want him to remind me about him asking for no physical contact of any kind. I am sure he would have given me a hug.
<b>Monday morning:</b>
H called about 7am in the morning to let me know he got to his destination safe.
At about 5pm he calls and asks about our baby. She has some conjestion and a cough. After I tell him, he starts to end the call. I ask him if he is tired, and he tells me no and attach some info about what he is doing. The call ends, but no inquiry about how I am or what I am doing.
Everytime I recall how my EA turned PA, I wish I could slap myself. I was sitting in the car while the OM went to pay for the hotel room. I kept on telling myself, I can not. So what do I do, I tell myself nothing is going to happen. I can control the situation. I didn't. How can anyone be so stupid?
I deserve the way my H is treating me. I should be thankful he still wants to be friends. Even if not the kind of friends he makes plans with or calls.
Am I just being selfish by staying over at his place and acting as a constant reminder of betrayal? Perhaps I should just go back to staying with my parents and visiting DD during the day. But with my current work schedule, I do not see much of H except on the weekends. When school begins, I will even be see him less.
Dunno if anything I have to say will make much sense or be much help, seeing as how I'm dealing with my own sense of impending doom right now, but I'll give it a shot anyway....
Well first of all, I think you need to focus on forgiving yourself for the A. Yes it was a stupid mistake, but you realise that and want to make amends. If you can't forgive yourself and accept yourself, then how can you ever expect your H to do the same?
As for being selfish by staying in the same house as him, I don't know that I'd go that far. You are, afterall, there to be with your D, and not just with him, and I'm sure your D enjoys having you around.
I don't suppose the house has any spare bedrooms that you (and possibly your D) could move into? I know in your first post you said that all 3 of you sleep in the one king size bed, so it may very well be that there isn't anywhere else in the house you could sleep. If there is though, then perhaps you could arrange to have separate rooms, so that you could both still be under the same roof with your D, but you could still each have your own space as well.
Me:30 H:30 Together:10yr H left:Oct3'06,couple weeks before 5th wed anniv. No Kids OW bomb:Jan19'07 My thread: He filed.
Good sign? I am usually left to mingle with everyone else whether I have been introduced to them or not. Over the years, I have grown accustomed to this so this was a surprise to me. The surprises don’t stop there. H inquired if I wanted something to eat, if so, he was going to get it for me. 
Like I said I was usually left to my own devices, so this was a welcome change. Could he be doing a 180? 
Thinking about it, warms my heart. 
