Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy trying to hold out

I think you are being a man and taking care of your son. He needs you. The other day I got put out with H because my oldest D had tried to call him and it went straight to his voice mail everytime which meant his phone was off. I got mad and told D he needs to be a parent, what if you had had an emergency? She said Mom, I'm not worried about it I know I have you. It made feel good, but at the same time furious at him! Keep up the great work. Remember children are our greatest gifts. I don't know what I would do without my girls. I know you feel the same way about your son.

My son 10 and I are going away the week after school is out. He has his calendar marked with a cont down. When all of this started I was going to cancel. I didn’t want to leave the house for a week with this much advanced notice.Who knows if she would bring the OM here. He does live out of state but this much notice…. But I thought this may be the last time my son has a father and son camp out with his family still together. Like I said my wife and I don’t fight or argue. This whole thing is going to be a shock to the whole family. Funny thing is I didn’t want anymore kids after my first marriage. We had our son so she could have a baby. And now here I am the one taking care of him. He is one of the reasons I am trying to make my marriage work. Don’t get me wrong. I do love my W even after what she did. But if it were not for my son I think I would have a lot less patients
Funny thing I have noticed writing here on DB. Just typing away I always refer to him as MY son. I have to keep on going back and changing it to OUR son. Is that some kind of sub- concusses thing??

Please some advise on a letter I wantto send my W


Good morning XXX,

How did ya sleep last night? Good I hope. XXXX, I feel you are holding back. I can tell you want to talk but are afraid of something. Every once in a while the real you comes out and you are talkative and smiling again but then you seem to craw back into your shell. We need to talk. I feel like you are that little girl in poltergeist that needs help but is trapped in that damn T.V. I can see you but I can’t touch you. I can hear you screaming for help but you can’t hear me. You are a very beautiful, intelligent woman. I love you with all my heart. I know you made a mistake. You are human. But you are NOT a bad person. I know the real you. During the last 16 years the real you has come out a few times. I knew when we got married that you were hurt really bad in a relation ship. I knew back then that is going to take some time before you really trusted someone again to really open up your heart. You were trusting and someone took that from you. I have tried and tried again to get you to open up. You would open up for a little while but the retreat. I’m afraid that you have been holding back on your inner feeling for so long that you just don’t know any other way.
I miss you so much. It must be so painful to feel all alone with our/your problem. XXXXX like I said; you had laps in judgment. I have moved on and now you need to. During the last month it’s like you are stuck in this circle. I’m standing on the side you and when you come around to my side we have a moment together but them you are off again.
XXXXX, YYYYY does not scare or bother me. I don’t see him as a threat at all. I told you I would not contact him. I do know where he lives, I know where he works. I could contact him any time I wanted to; but why? It’s like when the cat chases a little mouse. Once you catch it; it’s no fun any more.
Even though I feel so sorry for his wife. Nobody but YYYYY and his wife really know what they are going on between them. But she is not my concern. You are. There are only two reasons I would ever want to talk to him.
One would be to thank him for being the catalyst that brought your issues to the surface. With out him who knows how long you would have suppressed this.
And the other would be if he were to hurt you. No matter what happens between us if he were to ever to hurt you. I would be knocking on his front door in a heart beat. XXXXXX with this silence we are having I am scared. Like I said I have moved on past this little hick up we had. I need someone talk to; WE need someone to talk to. I need someone to tell my fears and my dreams to. But not being able to talk to you right now I have met someone that has the same problems as I. It is so weird. When she tells me about her husband it sounds like she is describing me. When She is talking I hear your voice and see your face.(her favorite color is pink also)Her and I are saying things to each other and telling each other things that I should be saying and telling you. And she is telling me things and saying things to me that she should be saying and telling her husband. I’m scared that if you and I don’t start working on our relationship soon we will begin to grow farther apart. I’m afraid when you get to the root of your feelings. And if you see it has nothing to do with me or our marriage it may be to late. Please open up XXXXX let me in. This is part my fault. I should have pressured you more in the past to let me in but I didn’t. You would come around and open up for awhile and I would forget. Then you would become distant again and I just waited until you would open up again. I have told you I am your best friend. How many friends could be hurt like I was hurt and they would still hang around. I am hanging around because I know the XXXXX I am seeing now is not the real XXXXX. And I’m not saying the XXXXX when we first met. I don’t want that XXXXX back. I want the XXXXX that I grew to know. The XXXXX I have seen though out the years that let her guard down. I have noticed some little things lately. The other night when you called to tell me you were going to be late. That was really nice. I know you are a big girl but I do worry a lot when you are late. Thanks you for calling me and at ZZZZZ house for CCCCCC B-Day you were going to ask me if I wanted a drink. These are little the things that the XXXXX that lets her guard down in the past did through out our marriage... You might not remember these little things but they mean so much to me. If you are afraid of hurting me don’t be. I have been hurt. That’s a fact. But it hurts me more to watch our relationship suffer. I can not tell you that I do not get my hopes up. That is what life is all about hopes and dreams. With out hopes and dreams we have nothing. I am so afraid to send this to you. I don’t like to see you upset. And I pray to God that writing this does not push you farther away. But we can’t continue to just “play along” and pretend everything is ok. Please don’t be mad. I know there are no promises. As the song goes “Kay Sara Sara what ever will be will be the future’s not ours to see”.

what do ya think?

H

^^

You need to ruminate on that one for a while.. What is your goal with the letter? You seem to be all over the board. Some of it sounds like you want to work on your R. Other parts like you are telling her that you have moved on.. It's confusing me..

Husband,
I haven't responded beforeabout the letter because I was trying to think about it, but I agree with LO. There are some very good example letters in the book "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. I think it might give you an idea what to include and what not to include. I have never been brave enough to send a letter because I'm afraid I will say the wrong things and then he will have a permanent letter to look back on. Make sure it's really something you believe in and not later say I so wish I hadn't said that.

Lo & YoYo

Thanks.
What I want to do is open up a diologe with the W.She told her C that I best comumicate eith E-Mail.

I have changed some things. No I have not moved on from our relation ship. But I want to leave what happened behind on move on WITH our relation ship.

One more look Please?

maybe i't taking too big a step with the letter, Maybe i'll hold off.
Thanks anyway.
H

Sorry for the letter everyone. It just feels like this “distancing” is making her withdraw even more. It’s strange. One minute she wants me to plan a mini vacation with the family in to weeks (June 2&3) and the next she is not hardly talking-to me. Nothing mean just not talking very much. She just had another session with her C. (if she is going). I am thinking about asking her if we can have some more joint sessions with my C. I need to somehow detach but I also want to break that force field around her. I’m I trying to do two opposite things? I feel she is holding back. But what? Is it over and she doesn’t want to say. If that’s so then why the vacation? I asked her out this Sat. just to go play pool. She has brought it up in the past that she used to love playing pool when she was younger. She back has been bothering her and she said she will see how she feels after her chiropractor appt, today.
Also I don’t ever talk about her meetings with her C. Is this ok? I have told her in the past not to confuse my “giving her space” for not caring. But I feel if she wanted to talk about them she would. BUT……….Then again maybe she does not know how to start. Her I go again second guessing every thing

Any inputs?
H

another day dragging on.........................