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I am really struggling lately.

Does anyone here have any experience dealing with a spouse with addiction problems? Am I trying to fix a M that cannot be fixed with an H who has impulse control problems? Or am I being a supportive W who can help him get the help he needs?

I am losing my perspective.

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It's just that I am discovering that my H is a very complex man, and i used to thing he was the simplest man I knew.
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Oh jeez, I too used to think I had my H pegged into the hole I had made for him! I think both of us underestimated and downgraded our Hs at some degree.

Hon, unless he agrees to T on his own, you cannot "fix" him, therapy is useless if the person is pushed into it, he has to decide to accep there is a problem. You can only be supportive and not enable him when his addictions require you to go out of your way.

Have you mention couples counceling, perhaps that way he won't feel singled out, and once there you can bring up the addiction traits?

An EEG can't diagnose ADD/ADHD. There are brain scans for that (I'm not sure about the accuracy at this time, but they are expensive... Dr. Amen in San Diego is a specialist in this, and UCLA Brainmatters... you might be able to find websites...).

In the meantime... well... if your husband is willing you can do some med trials. I'd be a bit wary of Adderall (particularly if there's any OCD in his family), but maybe the dopamine would be beneficial. If there's any depression he could try antidepressants (which can help decrease obsessions as well).... Is he interested in consulting with a doctor? Unfortunately, you can't force something like this. Does he agree he might have a problem?

Other things to consider... people with adrenaline-seeking personalities need excitiing hobbies. Your husband should be mountain climbing, motorcycle riding, hanggliding, etc... maybe he can get a dirtbike and your family can go camping at a place where they are ridden. Try to think of exciting things the whole family can be a part of. Even if you don't want to be doing these things you can still be there to support him. Also, how often do you go out? Dancing, dating???? A big problem in my marriage is I'm a homebody and my husband likes to party. My husband's OW was a sorority party girl. So, I decided to challenge myself a little. I had to climb out of the box and find that outgoing, fun, interesting, "party girl" inside me.

I'm still me, just a little less one-dimensional.... and younger...

My (seperated) husband has ADHD and anxiety disorders (along with mild ocd and dyslexia, they commonly go along with add btw). The Amen clinic was very helpful in getting the right medication (unfortunately he doesn't always take them) after trial and error with other doctors that didn't work. I recommend reading Dr. Amens book on the 6 forms of ADD, it will help you decide if he has it and what to do about. Compulsive lying is a common symptom of it, and my husband does it alot to. That is one of the toughest things to overcome and can't say I have a good answer for it yet.

Thanks for the support. I am just now more convinced than ever that H has somethign else going on. This is not just a case of someone who has an A and is trying to rebuild his M.

Last week, i found a TM from OW saying somethign about how they had just had lunch. I FLIPPED. I threw H out. Said a whole bunch of other things like OW will never be gone, etc... He said it meant nothing, blah, blah. Of coruse he had lied about it, too.

So a day later, he came back and said he just wants our M and he watns to live a happy life. He said he'll work on not lying. Said OW will be gone. But frankly, I've heard it all before. Thsi pattern has repeated over and over again.

So reluctantly, I let him back in. I asked him if he'd agree to get evaluated for somethign, becuase his behaviors are not normal. He also takes quite a liking to gambling. So, he agreed, but said he didn't think they'd find anything. I asked if he'd be willing to switch therapists to one who is a cognative behavioral therapist, rather than the traditional "talk it out" therapist he is going to now. He said yes.

But as the week/weekend progressed, I got more and more upset. So, yesterday, I did bad DBing. I cried and yelled about how I'm sick of it all. I want him to call OW and cut contact, but he wno't do it. This lead to a conversatino. He said that eventually he won't want to talk to her anymore. I can't recount the entire conversation, but a few other things he said were, "somethigns I do things and I don't know hwy I do them". And I asked him why he saw OW, he said, "I don't know".

I feel that he has impulse control problems and I don't know what to do anymore. I know that after yesterday's conversation, he is withdrawn again. He doesn't like anything taht is hard and he will do whatever he can to avoid doing "hard". He wants "easy". It has been a year that he's been saying that he'll end contact with OW, and still he has not. They TM and talk and apparently have lunch.

I"m sorry to hear this hon))))))
There are so many approaches to the OW sitch, some in this board are able to wait the ow's madness to go away, some draw the line. If they are still seing each other say even for the occasional lunch, he prob still wants to look good in her eyes.
About the T, get a new one NOW, dont' wait it out. Give yourself (or him) a deadline about he ow contact and stick to it. If it's been a year he's had plenty of time.

Cat,
Thanks for your response.

So, I went ot talk to our psychiatrist yesterday. We've been to him twice and he just wrote H off as a liar. When I went in yesterday, I told him about all H's behaviors, the things he says, etc... After I was done, he said he did agree that he had ADD and also probably bi-polar with impulse control problems. He said that he needs to be on meds and if he does go on meds, hte quality of his life will improve.

H doesn't know I went. I scheduled an appt for us to both go tomorrow and h agreed. So, I'm looking at this a little differently. He's not just some jerk who is unwilling to shed himself of OW. He is a sick man who is unable to shed himself of OW becuase he has a problem controlling his impulses.

I don't think H knows why he does the things he does. He has tried to shed himself of OW and she has persisted. One TM I read months and months ago from her said, "I'm thinking about you and hope you decide to talk to me". So, when he tries, she pursues and he cannot seem to resist for long periods of time. Another TM I read a few months ago was, "I can't stop thinking about you. YOu're all I think about. How can I be with someone else when you're all I think about".

So, my approach now is to see how H responds to his diagnosis and recommendation for medication. After that is resolved, I'm hoping he'll start to see OW for the poison that she is and stop contact and start making wiser decisions. Until a month ago, he was working with her. He has since changed jobs. That shoudl help as well.

The psychiatrist thanked me for pursuing this issue further. He said he was ready to write H off as a liar, but said that upon further evaluation, there is more to it than that. This is someone who has an illness that needs to be resolved wiht medication.

Sounds like you are on the right track and kudos to your psychiatrist for being open-minded with the new information.

hope you get a good dr, sometimes it takes a while. Remember, when medication and treatment are offered, he has to decide on his own without you insisting or pushing, otherwise down the line his resolve might weaken. Just be supportive and pray he sticks to T or meds. ADD on its own is a mighty things to deal with.

rebecca and cat,
Thank you for your words.

We went to the pyschiatrist yesterday. He said to H that he felt he had, "ADD, a littel bi-polar, some impulse control problems and problems with addiction". He said that the good news is that it's all manageable with medication.

H has agreed to take this test that will recommend an appropriate medication. But we couldn't schedule it until June 22nd.

H is in a dark place again. We talked about it a bit yesterday. I asked him what's wrong, and he said, "all this stuff wtih us". I explained to him thta as long as he allows OW to be in his life in any capacity, that he will feel this constant struggle. I told him that he can either set himself up for failure or he can set himself up for success. And by letting OW back in his life, in any capacity, he is allowing the bleeing to continue.

He did say in the session that he understands that if he does not cut complete contact with OW, his M will end. So, at least he gets it.

So, I said to him that I know he's struggling and that I am giong to back off and give him his space. I said that I am here for him if he wants to talk to me, but that I will not ask him again waht is wrong.

We have our next step. We will evaluate him for the right medication. He thinks the test will show up nothing. The psych disagreed. But at least we have our next step.

Perhaps I moved over to piecing prematurely.