Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Need another opinion, is my W OM, friend or more?

Thx Onthebeach,

When I found out about it this morning (from my DD who was too scared to tell me), I confronted W about it.

I told her that I did not care what she did away from our home or DD, but I told her that I did not want him to set foot in our house again, and never have him anywhere near our DD (unless necessary eg kickboxing when she has to take DD due to my work committments).

She still believes she is not doing anything wrong, that she has told DD that OM is only a friend, and women are allowed to have friends etc.

I really don't know what to believe, I have told her just to be honest with me, as I need to move on also (re real deal between them).

She has never stayed over his house overnight, she has told me that she has not even kissed him (other than cheek), and that she enjoys his company (non PA). They have not discussed anything relationship wise, they go to the movies together, hang out etc.

I may be old fashioned, but I have never experienced a friendship between a male and female of this nature, especially because he is so much younger than her.

I am thinking more and more that he may be gay (not overtly, possibly doesn't realise). As W's cousin thought that also (as he is a friend of hers too).

What other male would love hanging around only females, watching DVD's, dancing at clubs, going on trips interstate etc?

AndyV,

EA, PA, schmEA...an inappropriate relationship is an inappropriate relationship. Since you're "separated" then she has to respect the same boundaries any roommate would, with the added complication of being your child's caretaker.

If you don't want him in your living space or around your daughter then state that. If she crosses your boundary research your options.

You don't want conflict to escalate but make sure you are protecting your daughter and your interests. It is inappropriate for the mother of your child to be introducing an adult male figure in your child's life during this time of flux. You may need to go to counselling together for your child so that she hears that from an impartial party but get it done ASAP.

OTB

AndyV,

One other thing, the OM is not the cause just a symptom of your problems. She doesn't respect you so you need to be consequent, calm and have all the rules of engagement at your fingertips. Get professional advice about how to go forward but now that you've set your boundary just maintain it. Don't make comments about the OM, in fact, treat him as a non-entity as long as he is not around your daughter or home. He is nothing. You need to GAL and be the better option, either for your wife or some other wonderful woman out there. Concentrate on you and your daughter. She's worth whatever you need to do to protect her and place her in a safe environment. She should never be afraid to talk to you and never put her in the middle. Don't use her to get information about your wife, simply tell her you want to only know if the OM is present when she's with your wife. Nothing else! You love her and let her know that by lots of hugs and attention. Hope your Saturday goes well and that the 2 of you get out and have some fun!

OTB

OnTheBeach,

I have tried to get her to counselling. She want's no part of it.

She is suffering MLC, and rejects any advice from myself, family or friends.

They have all tried to talk to her, about many things that she is doing, but she has detached from everyone.

She has only started to come back to DD over the last month and a half.

I have tried everything, read through a dozen books on all matter MLC, infidelity, DB, DR etc

I am now GALing and have given her space for several weeks. Things have improved as far as her anger goes, and she is more co-operative.

I have told her that I do not want OM in my DD life, or home, and after D day she can do what she likes.

She has validated my concerns and told me she would respect my wishes (she seemed pretty genuine when she told me she could not see a problem as they are only friends).

But like you said, friends, EA, PA etc, she now understands that I do not want him in my "space" regardless of their intentions, innocent or otherwise.

AndyV,

When I spoke of counseling, it's not for her...it's needed for your daughter. You as caretakers need to sit together with a counselor to go through how to deal with the separation so that it has the least effect on your daughter. It might wake your wife up, but I doubt it. It's not for her. It's for your daughter.

OTB

Thanks Onthebeach,

I think I jagged my post before I read your second one.

Good advice, I will not discuss things with DD, I will not bring OM up again, I will continue GALing.

Thanks for making things clearer for me, sometimes I get lost in the fog.

You're welcome!

Now, what are your plans for the day with your daughter?

OTB

Onthebeach,

Bike riding in the park, then I promised her that I would play xbox (Lego star wars) with her.

The rest I will leave to her, whatever she want's to do, I'm in.

P.S I was hoping she will agree to come to the golf driving range with me. I normally give her a few balls to chip away at whilst I go for my hit. Depending on her mood (some days she likes it others she doesn't).

Andy,

Sounds like a good time! Keep your eyes on the goal, the being the safe harbour for your daughter. She'll really appreciate having a good male role model since her female role model is off the tracks for the unforseen future.

OTB

Had a good talk to W this afternoon.

Discussed boundaries re inviting EA to our house and keeping him away from DD unless necessary. As long as he is not in my "space" I will not bring him up again in discussion.

Validated all W's concerns re lack of emotional support and controlling/jealous nature during marriage.

Discussed that we would not discuss divorce or sale of house etc until Divorce day (still no date from W).

I still respect W's decision for sep/div, will not instigate a R or misread anything she does. Onlyw want us to be caring and considerate to each other.

Discussed a few minor things as well.

Finished off with a nice coffee and cupcake. W seemed more relaxed and happy and agreed with everything discussed. She told me that EA was only a great friend, and neither have discussed anything about relationships, PA or future between the two. She just enjoys his company. I asked her if he was gay (and she said she didn't know).

Funny, if you have known and spent a lot of time together with someone, you would think that if he was straight, she would have answered that question with a firm "No", rather than saying "I don't know".

Will wait and see how things progress after today. We both walked away feeling a lot better (as she is probably more exhausted than I am with this whole sitch).