Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy trying to hold out

Husband,

No, the OM is not married and has no kids. He's never even been engaged before. He just recently broke things off with his girlfriend. They were together for a few years. We talk about all kinds of things. We spend hours on phone. I've never talked to someone so much in my life. We talk about my marriage, his relationship, relationships in general, my son, his work. He's told me a lot about his parents & childhood. Future dreams, and goals. We talk about our feelings about each other. He never says bad things about my husband. He's just really easy to talk too but I am aware that part of that is because he has no emotional investment in any of that so he can listen without being defensive or getting angry. He's been very up front and honest with me with what he has to offer relationship wise. I have made it clear that he is not the reason I would leave my marriage. What I like best about him is that he encourages me to try new things, take chances, to act on my dreams and goals. Where my husband is total opposite. He feels threatened by any changes I make. He makes me feel like it's a waste of time and that I couldn't possibly be capable of following through with something let alone actually accomplishing something. He thinks I belong at the mall shopping or getting my nails done and even then he thinks it's all I could handle doing.

Thanks,

My imagination takes over sometimes and I feel like my W and he are planning against me. I have let her know this. I've told her this might not be right but that is how I feel.
I don't know if you received my other notes but thank you for your insight. You have made me feel better about where my W may be coming from.
I want to help her so bad. I want her to figure out why she is unhappy and if I can I want to correct it. I really don't think she knows. I believe the OM is just a "get away for the week end, Forget about my problem thing"
I’m glad you came back I tried to send you a PM but it said your PM was full.

I'm happy to help in any way I can. You are very welcome and it makes me feel good to know it helps you. I have learned from you as well. I will check the PM thing. I'm not sure how it works but I will figure it out. The OM may very well be a distraction for your wife. Has she told you what it is that she sees in him? You know, you are very much like my husband in so many ways. I know he means well and honestly just wants to help but everytime I have a problem he wants to "fix" me or it. I tell him all the time that I am not one of his employee's. He can't fix every thing for me. It's not that simple. Sometimes I just wish he could say, "I'm sorry your hurting, if there is something I can do to help let me know". I need to fix myself and I need to figure it out on my own. Do you know what I mean?

I don't think it's a bad idea unless she seems annoyed by it. Just make it short and sweet.

Are you sure you are not my wife? Reading your words I can hear her voice. It sounds like we were married to the wrong people. I always like to try new things however. I try to get my wife to also but she always has an excuse. Unfortunately after 18 years of marriage, I have adjusted and have given up on a lot of things Until Now. While giving my W her space I have started doing things for myself again. I am going 4 wheeling in my jeep on the sand dunes in eureka next month with my son who is 10. We are staying for a week. Fishing, wheeling, museums and what ever else come up. I almost cancelled because I did not want to leave my W at home thinking she might try to meet him. (He is out of state but there is an airport near by.) But then I thought I can’t let my son down and I have no control over her anyway. I plan to take lots of pictures so she can see what she missed. And May be missing in the future.

I'm glad you decided not to cancel the trip with your son. I bet you guys are going to have the best time ever and it will be something your son will remember for the rest of his life. You are a great father. I also think it will give your wife the time and space she needs. After a few days alone the lonliness will set in, especially when your son calls her to say goodnight. I wish my husband would do something like that with our son. He turns 1o next month. Such a fun age, isn't? My husband did go on an overnight fishing trip with the guys from work and got back tonight. It makes me happy to see him do things like that. He needs some guy time, time to relax. He would never let me go anywhere with my friends overnight though. Never would. Did you end up calling your wife at work today? If so, what happened? I checked my pm box and there was only message so I dont know why it said it was full.

No I did not call her. After talking with you yesterday I kind of forgot about calling her. After I picked up my son up from school we played some video games and then he had a base ball game. I am an assistant coach for his little league team. I used to play basket ball but was in a car accident years ago and I have an artificial leg so I can’t play sports anymore. Anyway we have two ball fields in town a run down one and a really nice one. His game was at the nice one yesterday so I did call her during the game to see if she wanted to stop by and see him but she said she was too tired. He has had several games and she has only been to one and only stayed for about 15 mins. Said the seats bothered her back.
After the game I was only home for a few minutes because I had a date with my oldest daughter and her boyfriend to go play pool. This was the first time I went out in the last year. I had a great time. Had a little too much beer and I’m feeling it today. When I dropped my daughter off at her place I talked to her alone for a few minutes and told her that Dad was having some problems and I would like he to call me one in a while just to talk. She said she knows I’m having problems, I’m her dad and she is there when I need her. I did not bring up her step mother at all last night. I don’t think she knows what my problem is all about unless some how her sister that lives with us over heard some thing. But my wife and I have been very carefull discussing our issues so I don’t think anybody but us really know. I don’t know if I told you this but my wife and I really don’t fight. Every once in a while something happens’ I say or do something that makes her mad she starts raising her voice and I back down.
Sometimes I wonder if that is part of the problem. Maybe she thinks I am not much of a man for not sticking to my guns and start yelling back.
As for the PM I’m going to try to figure it out also because I’m new here and don’t really know how things work. I would like to try to talk to you off line.
Talk to ya later.

husband,
Im'e sure you do know the answer YES it is a bad idea.
This is so hard but we have to detach give them space even tough our hearts are breaking. But i can tell you it does get easier. it took me about 5 months to even start to feel somewhat sane and able to handle everyday without constantly having this mess on my mind.(and it's still there alot but i am able to handle things better). Just keep reading DR and refer to it as much as you need. It has been my bible. kudos to you! You forgot to call(thats detaching). Glad you had a great time with D.
JAK

workaholics wife
I was thinking about having a short talk with My W tonight. I was going to tell her I kind of know what is getting out of talking to him because I found someone to talk to also. Someone that knows what I am going through and is very much in the same situation as she is. I’m going to tell her what you said “Sometimes I just wish he could say, "I'm sorry you’re hurting, if there is something I can do to help let me know". That she need to fix it herself and needs to figure it out on her own.
It is true that it helps talking to someone. What my wife and I need to do is to learn to be able to communicate with each other as easily as she communicates with him and I to you.
I’m not going to say anything about DB. Just that we met and started talking to each other about our problems. Is this OK with you? Do you think this is a bad Idea?

anybody there?

Me 49
W 53
D 25 P/M not at home
D 23 P/M
S 10
Married 18 years