Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done Help--Need Objective Perspective

I am recently divorced (3-8-07) and just found Michelle's book--a little late, but better late than never. My H called me the day before our divorce was to be final and wanted me to postpone it so we could talk. I didn't, but now I wish I did. I was still angry--he had a PA--totally took me by surprise as he is the last person in the world I would have ever thought would do that. We just celebrated our 16th anniversary in Sept. and had a wonderful time. Then, in October, he started going out with the guys from work (23-30 yr olds--he's 40) and not coming home. This went on for 3 months. I was angry and we basically stopped communicating and I told him he needed to move out if he was going to keep doing that as it was very upsetting to our son who is 15. He left on 1-14-06 after I confronted him wondering if there was someone else. It is a co-worker and someone who went out with them sometimes. Anyway, since the D was final, he has broken up with OW, started counseling, and we're still living apart. Throughout this whole time, I have never begged, pleaded, cried, etc. for him to come back or reconsider. According to DB, I actually did something right! I have too much pride to beg for anything.

My problem now is that I'm having difficulty trusting his decision and think that he is going to change his mind. Just last weekend he gave me a kiss before he left and said he missed me and I told him I missed him too, and I was acting positive and happy, because I was--but then I don't hear from him for two days. Is this normal? Am I expecting too much? I can't help but think about when we were dating and how we always wanted to be together, left little notes for each other, called each other, etc. It's like my heart wants to feel that way again, but I don't get anything like that from him. I see him once a week--maybe twice at the most and he comes to the house to mow the lawn or to do something with our son. He stays for about 3 hours, sometimes less. He hasn't asked me to go out with him or to do anything with him. I'm driving myself crazy thinking about this and need someone else's objective perspective who has been through this. Is there hope here or am I just setting myself up again for more pain. I don't even want to think about going back to the pain I was in right after the D was final.

It s/b--he left on 1-14-07, not 1-14-06. Sorry for the confusion!

Hey girl,
Welcome. You have an intersting story and interesting opportunities should you wish to try again. I would recommend posting in the "Piecing" forum here; there are several folks there who are struggling to regain trust and love following an affair or a breakup. Look up SDFoundGirl for one; she never divorced but it was touch and go last summer.

I have little advice since I am in the middle of the divorce process and it is ugly. I want to smack my stbx, not try to get back together.

I see positives for you. But the trust issue is a biggie - more important than love. You and he will both need IC and MC if you should try again.

One last point: why should he ask you out? This is 2007; ask him out if that is what your heart says to do. Lunch or something not threatening. No pressure.

Good luck.

farmtown46- Sorry to see you here.

Like Jeff said....there are a lot of positives for you. First and foremost, please don't regret not postponing the D.

What I see here is baby steps. He is slowly starting to put his feelers out. Sometimes they get scared and back pedal a little. That's normal. I won't lie....this is not going to be an easy ride.

Read through Michelle's book. Start making the changes in your life that you want to. Work on you. Change the things you don't like about yourself. Detach from your XH. That's the biggest key to making it through this with your sanity. It's hard but it can be done. You can get yourself to a point where your X's action or lack thereof don't affect you so much if at all.

Two things you will read in the book and over and over on this board is:

The only actions you can control are you own.(I want to add this in too) If you choose to change how you act/react towards someone they have no choice but to change how they act/react towards you.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

Remember X is going to do what he wants to do. You cannot control that or change that. Worry about controlling your action/reactions. Think before reacting. Take your gut instinct reaction and do the total opposite. After a while it becomes second nature.

Forgiveness. One of the tougher things to work on but perhaps the most important. It's very empowering when we are finally able to truly forgive our X. It's the beginning of a great personal growth process.

If this is something you want....then re-read the book and follow the principles.(sp?) There is no guarantee that you and your X will get back together. If you can accept that and go with it you'll still come out of this a stronger, happier person.

The board is kind of slow on the weekends. I will keep checking in on you though. Good luck and remember baby steps!!!!

~SE

Thanks so much for your advice. I know it's 2007, but I'm an old-fasioned girl!! JK! I guess I'm afraid to ask him because I'm afraid he'll say no. And I don't want to put any pressure on him. He is in IC right now and I asked if we should go together and his response was, "No, it's just me." What does that mean?

I'll keep detaching, even though I make mistakes. I came home from work today for lunch, something I don't normally do, and here he is mowing the lawn. Didn't tell me he was coming and I wouldn't have known until this evening because I would have been able to tell the grass was cut. Now I'm thinking that he did this while I was at work so he didn't have to see me--am I wrong? If he wanted to see me, he would have came later. And then I did something really stupid. Before I left to go back to work, I went out to him and said goodbye--he stopped mowing, but didn't turn it off--and then I gave him a kiss goodbye. Now I only did this because he gave me one last week, but thinking about it now--I could kick myself because I don't think he wanted one and wasn't making any attempt to give me one if I didn't.

I'm going to drive myself insane!! I need to GAL! Thanks again for your words of encouragement.

Thank you for your help. I have read the book and am trying to apply the principles. Some days, I am in such a good place and then I slide back to being a basketcase. Does that ever stop? I'm so sick of myself sometimes.

I know--baby steps, but it's so hard!! The thing that struck me the most is: figure out your gut reaction and then do the opposite. Like today, my gut reaction was to give him a kiss--I should have done nothing, right? That would have been the complete opposite. I do want things to work out, but I really think I will be okay if they don't. Like I said earlier, some days I'm positive I'll be just fine without him and then 30 minutes later, I'm thinking--how am I going to survive the pain if it doesn't? I have dealt with so much pain already.

Thanks for saying you'd check up on me. He said he was coming over tomorrow since he has to work on Mother's Day. So, we'll see what happens.

FT46,
Good attitude and if H is in IC that is very good. An his response "No, it is just me" is very positive. Most WAS here never admit they are the cause of anything or they need help.

Baby steps yes, but I don't believe in them directly. If you focus on each interaction and try to "score" it then you will drive yourself crazy. This is not a competition where judges hold up a card with a 9.2 score on it.

Here IMO you have to look at the whole picture. What do his actions add up to? It is the total score that counts, not the individual events.

The lawn: He may have came early for many possible reasons. For example to surprise you when you found the lawn cut (positive) or that he did not want to see you (negative). He may not have been able to come later. You cannot read his mind so why assume anything? But look overall: I assume he does not HAVE to cut the lawn. So that is called acts of service (read the Five Lauguages of Love if you have not). And he is being sheepish when coming around. That may be from guilt but also b/c HE does not want to be rejected. He seems to be taking it slow. Let him.

Same on the kiss. Why kick yourself? You did fine. I bet he went home and said "She KISSED me!! Woo Hoo!!!" and then he said "She only kissed me b/c I cut the lawn, what a loser I am to expect she is still interested". He is most likely going through emotions here also.

But do play a bit hard to get, not to punish him but to be a bit distant to make him wonder. Guys like that. Remember how to flirt after 16 years? If not, study up.

I fear to tell you the backsliding never seeems to end. That is why you focus on the bigger picture, not individual events.

Don't want to ask him out? Don't. Instead leave a note on the lawnmower that says "IOU one ice cream cone for one mowing. Thanks. Let me know when I can take you to Dairy Queen to collect". Or something similar if you all don't like ice cream or there is no Dairy Queen.

Luck. I noticed you did post on other forums but once you get some activity going then try to stick to one place. It will make it easier to find you. Also, if you read other threads leave a post even if it is one of encouragement. Folks here like that.

Luck.

Good morning farmtown46!

The thing that is sticking with me from your post is: "how am I going to survive the pain if he doesn't"

Detachment.

As far as your 180......well.....these are tricky. I think it was wise not to kiss him. When doing 180's I guess the trick is to do them on the things that drove our S out of the M.

I like Jeff's idea of leaving him an IOU. It's a safe, no pressure way. I also suspect that maybe he was trying to surprise you with the lawn.

I think you are off to a great start Farm! You have a great attitude. You have positives from your X.

Keep your cool and act "as if" today with your X. Make sure and let us know how it goes!!


Have a great day!
~SE

Well, here's how today went. Came over and picked up our son to go shopping for Mother's day presents. Came home two hours later and was frustrated. He's not a shopper and has never been good at buying gifts for me. Stresses him out huge. Anyway, I received a present from my son but he said he couldn't find anything, so nothing from him. Had some conversation--laughed a little. I flirted a little--even though it's been a loonnng time! Didn't seem to cause any reaction. He ate something and then got ready to leave.

I had to talk to him about the property taxes due on Tuesday. Our divorce agreement was that he pays for 1/2 the house payment, taxes and insurance for 5 years and then we would sell and split the proceeds. Since our divorce is only a couple of months old, I needed another $400 from him for the taxes. Now, we had a joint checking account before we split up. He said he would just pay the tax bill since "when I move back, it would be nice if we could go back to a joint checking account." Meaning that if he pays for most of it now, it doesn't matter really since his money and ours will be in one account eventually anyway. Okay--I get that. We really didn't settle anything though--I offered to just pay it and he could pay me the $400 later since he didn't have his checkbook. I think that's where we left it.

Now, this is what I don't get. When he was leaving, I walked out with him to get the mail. He put his can of pop in the car and then climbed in, put his seat belt on and started it. He rolled down the window to say goodbye. I looked at him and said goodbye. We just stared at each other a minute and then he stuck his head out with the expression, "like okay, fine, I'll give you a kiss" I said as I leaned in to kiss him, "you don't have to give me a kiss." That was it--he left saying I'll call tomorrow. Now what I don't understand is why would he want to move back here with me if he doesn't even want to hug or kiss me. Originally, he was supposed to be in C for 8 weeks (never heard of a time limit before, but that's what he was told) and then move back after that. It's been 4 weeks--am I supposed to think that he is going to move here after 4 weeks if he doesn't even want any physical contact.

The funny thing is that I'm not really upset by it. I had a kind of epiphany last night after I read both of your replies to me. I can't control his actions, but I can control my reactions and I refuse to let his actions upset me. I decided that I can be happy with or without him. Life is too short to be miserable. I am not going to try to figure everything out and I will look at the whole picture.

What I think I need to do is not be available for awhile. I really never call him and I've not always been here when he's come over, but I think I've made my feelings known that I want him again and I've been waiting for him to take me in his arms and scoop me up. Probably not a good thing.

Jeff--I like your idea about the IOU, but I think I'll put it off for awhile. Thanks for the encouragement and support. I'm not feeling too positive right now, but it really is okay.

Strongenough--Thank you too for your encouragement. After I read your posting and thought about what I said about pain, that's when I realized I don't have to experience that pain anymore. Detachment is hard but I think I finally get it now.

Rather depressing day, but I'm not going to be depressed about it. I can choose not to be. Thanks again for all your help. I'll look forward to hearing from you both soon. Take care.

Awesome!!!!!! I told you had a great attitude!!



And there you have it!! Wow farm......you are WAY ahead of me this!!!

I wanted to add that I think you handled to kiss thing perfectly. Letting him know that you don't have any expectations from him *could* make him wonder what the heck is going on.

I think your plan is great. Hang back, don't be readily available for him unless it involves your son.

I'm confused on something though. With him moving back. Is he moving back to have a place to live or is he moving back to try and repair the M? Is this something that is definite?

From your post, all in all you handled yourself well and kept your PMA up despite your X's actions. Kudos to you!!!I'm beginning to think I should be asking you for advice instead of trying to give it!!!

Have a great night. Take care.

~SE