Journey, I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this...
You said, " I should be at a point of acceptance, and I'm working on it." Acceptance at this point is pretty hard... you're in a crisis zone. Acceptance comes much later. Wherever you are at any moment-- angry, scared, momentarily peaceful, panicky-- is where you "should" be, kwim?
Thank you, Lil. I'm trying to find some control over all this, but I just have to go through it. Now please explain to me the profound meaning behind that quote of yours!
Isn't that a great quote! Thank Martelo for that. To me it means sometimes you have to give up, that not every mountain can be climbed, not every problem solved-- that some things are too dangerous or painful to do just to prove that you can do them. It's okay to walk away from some challenges. I love it!
Yeah, honey, I understand the feeling of wanting to control the swirling maelstrom of events and possible events that you and your family are in the middle of right now... there is no way to control it. Right now you're in the white water rapids, and you just have to fasten your seatbelt and hang on. If you can find some small scrap of serenity to cling to while the waves toss you... that can help a little. One thing I used to do (and still do) when my thoughts start churning like Niagara Falls is to repeat the Shema over and over again in rhythm with my breath, like this: Breathe in as you say "Shema Israel," breathe out as you say "Adonai eloheinu," breathe in again as you say, "Adonai echad." I would do that over and over and over again like a mantra. Just to give my mind something solid to focus on.
Last year my father handed over to me some medals from WW2. I was going over them, and one of them seemed ultra cool, with a machine gun on it and the word carbine on it. So I asked him what this one was about, and he looks to the ground in shame, and mumbles that it was for being an expert marksman. That's how he is...really capable, really modest.
What a great story NJ. Inspiring.
My thoughts go out to you. I haven't had to come near this particular bridge yet, but I can imagine that it is a very scary one.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Thank you Chrome. What a nice thing to say. You know, my father is from an older generation, but he is also old world in his thinking. He had a way of making me feel safe in this crazy world. Fairly recently he told me a friend of his called him to ask for advice. The friend's son had gotten his girlfriend pregnant, and this man wanted to know what my father thought he should do. The thing is, my father was annnoyed, wondering why his friend was bothering him with such nonsense. I was confused by my father's reaction, until I understood that he could only fathom one option...that the boy marry his pregnant gf.
I am sure I am not making this clear, but the point is that life was not this complicated thing to my father.
Of course, he has this daughter who obsesses and analyzes!
Oh and Lil, I do like the quote. For those of us who psychologically seem to climb every mountain, it's good to remember you can't eat every chile, or something like that!
Just some thoughts for tonight... No cahnge in my dad's condition. he can be aroused to a semi-conscious state. The last phone call I had with him was when he was being admitted to the hospital. The last thing he asked me is if my cold/cough were better. Ok, I am crying now.
I feel selfish because I want that kind of love in my life. It's about me, me, me.
I feel relieved that my brother is handling this crisis. I am just wondering how long I'll hold out til I fly down.
Oh, about his medals...I ended up making a plque with them. I included this quote i found from Thomas Paine which said something like, " If there is to be trouble, let it happen on my time, so my children can be free."
And that is what my did is like. he shoulders things. Someone once asked him why he still worked at his age. And he said that if there's a cart in front of me, I have to pcik it up.
Well, he's getting some rest now. I hope you have a peaceful nite, dad.
I feel selfish because I want that kind of love in my life. It's about me, me, me.
Journey, you really must stop beating up on yourself... Of course, you want that kind of love in your life! I envy you because you have that-- I never did. It's not just about you, you, you... that kind of love is shared... you want to share it with your dad. If your own child were sad because you were ill, would you think that child was being selfish? And what does "selfish" mean in this context anyway? It means you want to be part of your dad's life.
Journey, I'm concerned that you are finding fault with yourself and your feelings at this difficult time. I want to see some compassion from you to you, kwim? If you want to go down to him-- then go! I can't imagine that you would regret it.
And don't feel guilty because you're relieved that your brother is bearing most of it at the moment. When I knew that my husband was going to die within the next couple of hours, the first thing I wanted to do was run! I didn't think I could bear it. But I did. We do. We have to. But you must be kinder to yourself!
Hey thank you, Lil. This internet thing is really a trip. After I posted that, I had this epiphany that my father will give up when he is ready, and there's not a lot I can do about it. Or he will continue to fight, and it won't be because of my will. I know I am in his psyche somewhere. And when I am ready to, or need to, I'll go down. It will all be ok.
the point is that life was not this complicated thing to my father.
When you know what black and white is, it does make life simpler. Sometimes your wrong, sometimes there is gray, but your never confused about what to do, or where your responsibility lies.
Talk all you want, Ill be happy to hear more stories about your dad.
