I'm glad you are seeing some improvement but I'd like to suggest a change in this response to her "More time is needed to see if we are going to make it. However, we have been getting along better and things are improving! Our counselor says that we should not get married and I agree until issues are addressed (resolved)." She probably thinks she's already "addressing" the issues.
Green: I agree with your ‘Resolved’ instead of my ‘Addressed’ comment. I have never been one that handled communication well! I need to improve my skills along with my boundary setting.
On the plus side, she is looking for a job and has quit asking me to do things for her or her kids. So Nopkins concern with my pocket book is taken care of.
She is complaining that I am withdrawing from her. She made the comment at lunch today (in a semi-joking fashion) that I only touched her when I wanted sex. That is absolutely not true and I told her so. She said that last night was an example…we did not have sex but I went to sleep rather quickly.
I know that this Intimacy issue will show itself very quickly. I view her comments above as precursors as controlling our sex lives. Maybe I am looking to find fault where there is none. Time will tell.
I will say that I have not been overly affectionate lately as I felt this was being needy and clingy.. Sometimes I think this is a game that we are playing ‘Who has the upper hand?
It's my guess that you probably aren't as physical with her as you have been because YOU ARE NO LONGER CHASING HER. When people chase they tend to overdo lots of things.
Several years I ago I was being persued by this one guy who was very needy, well this guy also constantly had to touch me. His neediness and overzealousness to please me icked me out and was completely unattractive to me. It's not that I don't like a guy to want to please me but this guy was like having one of those yippee little dogs constantly jumping in my face saying "I'm here!" "I'm happy to see you!", it just got REALLY annoying.
FWIW I'm not saying you are a yippee little dog LOL, BUT if you did much of the stuff I imagine you probably did...which is natural to many of us trying to get a need of ours met, when it came to sex and not getting it...you probably persued her more physically and WERE more touchy feely in an attempt to get that physical need met than you normally would have been if things were better between you.
Now, you've backed down...you've stopped chasing, and she's noticed. That's definitely not a bad thing.
Remember this has been an 8 month issue and I am not married plus not overly in-love with her like before, but trying to rekindle my feelings!
Should I wait and see if she initiates sex or continue with initiating myself?
She already knows all the issues (lots of communication from me!). The main one is her active participation which includes actually desiring me. For the most part, she lays there and waits for her orgasm. I know that sounds blunt and to-the-point but this is a ‘SEX/MARRIAGE’ board…. How can she enjoy it so much but not be desiring to participate.
I feel that I have her walking on egg shells and if she does one more thing I will boot her out. This includes SEX along with any other big issue.
I know it's difficult but if it were me, I wouldn't initiate. THAT is one of the issues you've told her you have. Everytime you go to her and YOU initiate, you let her off the hook. Now if she does something like initiates three times in a row, then throw one in there. But have her do the preponderance of the persuing.
Sorry to say this but I think her "waiting for her orgasm" and not participating thing goes back to her prior lifestyle. I'm sure NOP's could explain that one to you better, but I do believe it's connected.
I believe her prior lifstyle was not that extensive. One encounter FMF and a few trips to the clubs but no sex while there. She had no reason to lie to me about this as it was not an issue for me.
Also, her non-participation issue was something that has recently developed (maybe 8 months or so). The first 6 months she was a wild thing and very active, assertive, aggressive, willing, playfull, etc...
Please don't make me get more graphic than that... lol
Yes, it does boil down to this. What you are seeing right now is her effort at meeting your needs. Is it enough? Is it reigniting that flame? I say that because there's a VERY GOOD chance that you will be addressing this issue again...because more often than not people revert back to old behaviors more than once before they make a final change. Things like this RARELY get resolved by you enforcing a boundary/consequence only once.
