I agree with the concerns everyone is stating here. It does sound a lot like she is in an MLC type situation. IT could also be that she is pushing harder and harder to get a rise out of you, to see how much you care for her, how much it will take to get you to show some jealousy and possessiveness. I wonder if she didn’t come home until late because as she was having a good time and the thought crossed her mind on whether to call or not, she just rationalized it away by thinking Choc won’t care anyway, so what’s the purpose in calling? Your non-reaction when she got home pretty well confirmed that, IMO. I think she could see that she now has an open license to stay out as late as she wants, whenever she wants. You are shooting yourself in the foot by your passivity.
One important way to look at this is to ask yourself how she would react if you did the same. Would she get upset? Would she confront you? Or would she just avoid it as you have? Your calling when you stay out later than expected is you answering to her, asking “permission” in a way, giving her authority to control the M, you abdicating control. So she runs with this power, and you get mad when she doesn’t return the favor. Why should she? What does she have to fear? Why should she not push for more? She just might get it. You will let her have it.
IMO, this has little to do with her. This has more to do with you and you stating and holding to firm boundaries. She cannot push you if you don’t let her. I also suspect she wants you to do this. How else is she to know that you care for her? Words are just words. Stand up and take some action. Show some jealousy. Let her know how you feel. Ask her flat out if she is chasing younger men. Throw something outlandish in her face to make her step back and take notice of her behavior. Make her think twice and become a little hesitant before she acts so that she feels she should come to you for “permission.”
The invitation came from the co-workers. They all hang out together, and it was as "Hey, Mrs. Choc., come out with us on Wednesday for Joe's 21st, it'll be fun." kinda thing.
I do think it put my D18 in a weird spot, tho, but if a F18 dates a M21, there's going to be a few age-related weird spots, and she'd best get used to it.
But what if I don't care? Is your advice still the same, so that I can feel better about myself?
I honestly have zero romantic attraction to her anymore. She inconvenienced me last nite, as it was difficult to sleep until I knew she was home safe, so that plus the lack of respect by no-phone-call pissed me off. But I did not care one whit about how she feels about any of these other, younger guys.
I'm not saying that's right or wrong, or even healthy, but it's just how I feel.
She inconvenienced me last nite, as it was difficult to sleep until I knew she was home safe, so that plus the lack of respect by no-phone-call pissed me off.
Would you lose sleep if your best baseball buddy said he would call to let you know he got home safe from some trip or outing, then didn’t call? Would you be pissed over that? What if it where your mom, or dad? Would you still feel the same?
I honestly have zero romantic attraction to her anymore.
Your emotional response does not square with this statement. If you truly do not care, then I don’t understand your reaction. People do not get pissed or lose sleep over these types of respect issues. No if it is some type of battle over pride, ego, or something like that at the office, I can understand, but even then the emotional reaction is different.
I think you are detaching from your emotions. You need to ask yourself if this is true, and if so, why are you doing that. It sounds very passive aggressive and victim-like to say you don’t care for your W, then get upset if she doesn’t show concern for you.
Are you sure you wouldn’t LIKE to care for her, if she would only first show some concern for you?
I think she just didn't want to deal with conflict on the phone or feel self-conscious in the middle of all the "fun" having to call the "family" since they are most likely all single and not in a situation like that at all.
It is POSSIBLE that the event in itself was the only thing and she was "guilty" of. And this may have given her additional rationalization that she "shouldn't HAVE to call" since she wasn't doing anything "wrong." But that's silly. I agree, it was inconsiderate at best. I think you have a good feel for the best way to handle it.
Be careful though, when you say, "Did you have a good time?" TRY REALLY HARD not to sound sarcastic. My H worked late one night recently when a tattoo show filmed a pilot episode at his work. He DID call, but I was still peeved that he was home HOURS later than he originally predicted and NEVER said he was sorry, just came in and acted like no big deal, man, what a long day. I said, "Did you have fun?" and he blew up, "NO! I didn't have fun - it was WORK!!" Hmph. Whatever. lol!
I have read THOUSANDS of affair stories now. Not a few, not hundreds, but thousands. You would not believe the gross similarities between them. The stories are in the thousands, the themes could all fit on a couple of pages they are so common.
You already know what I think from previous posts. I will add to it a bit.
Expect your wife to want you to cosign or outright buy her a sporty car soon.
I hope you know what a MILF is, because that's what the younger guys are already calling her down at the gym.
So let me ask one question. Are you wanting the divorce (that is at present, inevitable) to be all her fault? She has the affair with the young guy, (insert typical older woman younger guy scenario here), then proceeds to financially rape you in the settlement. Is that the way you want it to come down so that your sense of guilt is aleviated? At least she has a job now, that will help a miniscule amount in the settlement.
Oh, and I would be especially suspicious of the 21 year old "boy friend" if I were you.
I have watched you sit idly by losing ground watching as events signaling worsening of your relationship go by with little more than a blip on your relationship radar.
I hope you don't mind sharing your wife, and at this point in the train wreck of your relationship, I think that you are making a serious mistake having unprotected sex with your wife if you two are having sex at all.
I will tell you one last time what you need to do, then I am butting out of your life.
MAN-UP and take back your life and wife.
If by some chance, you want help to do so, you better decide quickly. If she has not already spread her legs for another man, it is simply a matter of days before she does.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
"If by some chance, you want help to do so, you better decide quickly. If she has not already spread her legs for another man, it is simply a matter of days before she does."
I think this is jumping the gun a bit here. Choc just say something to her your idea sounded good.
I think she just didn't want to deal with conflict on the phone or feel self-conscious in the middle of all the "fun" having to call the "family" since they are most likely all single and not in a situation like that at all.
zuzu,
That could very well be it (my D20 has expressed similar complaints when we'd get on her about not calling us), as she was not driving. Had she been, I fully suspect she would have at least called me from the car on her way home, if for no other reason than to try to diffuse the situation (we are both classic conflict avoiders -- yeah, I know -- big shocker there), but that still would have been very late -- probably 1:45 instead of 2:05.
I'm not going to ask her if she had a good time. I'm going to say "I don't mind you going out with your friends from time to time, but I'd appreciate a phone call next time if you're going to be that late. I was concerned." And leave it at that.
