Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy My Heart is Aching

How do you get to the point of not looking for what you know you will find? I never knew I could feel so torn apart as I have in this past year. My H was in the Navy for 22 years and it wasn't anything like since he's retired. I can't even pinpoint exactly where it started going downhill we seemed to just end up there.

What do you mean exactly? Looking as in snooping because you know he's having an A?

Right now, my problem seems to be that I put so much effort into working our M out and never felt he really did any "work," just "allowed" us to be ok again (he was the one wanting the D).

I also feel like I don't even know who he is anymore. Not just because he cheated and I don't understand how/why he could/would do that, but sometimes I just feel no connection to him at all. I still love him so much, but when I think about him and when I looked at him (past tense since he's deployed), I just think "do I really know this person?" And he's my H!!!!

He seems fine in emails & on the phone since he left. He says ILY and I miss you; calls me Baby, etc., but I just feel "differently" about him now.

Cades, thats strange you say that because my W is doing the exact same thing, and I look at her, at her weight loss, and I see a different person in front of me. I too wonder if I really know her at all. She confided in someone else, had a possible PA (there's reasonable doubt now - unless she just tells me - ha, won't happen), and she also wanted a D. But I will always suspect a PA because she once told me that our predicament then was very "severe". That word, "severe", alarms me.

I think we feel differently about our spouses because we just don't trust them like we used to, we get jealous no matter what, and we are having a really hard time truly forgiving them - I know I am.

Mine's not so much the forgiving, it's being able to trust him again and always wondering what he's doing, if he's talking to someone again. I don't think I could stay w/ him if I hadn't forgiven him for doing what he did. I won't ever completely understand it though because as bad as things got, I can't imagine ever doing that to him. But then, I guess maybe I shouldn't say that because the opportunity never presented itself either -- who knows what I would honestly do if it did or had. I always said "you cheat, you're gone," however, when it actually happened and was told about it, I stayed. I didn't know it was going on when it happened, so I guess he was pretty good at hiding it all.

Like I said, I feel as if I put in all the work to repair the M, honestly repairing my "transgressions" in the M and putting the effort needed into the M so that it would be healthy again, but it feels like he's just "along for the ride." He's staying, says he loves me and misses me, acts as if nothing ever happened.

I guess it's also my insecurity in overdrive too. The old "am I ever going to be enough for him" scenerio. The "what is he REALLY thinking/feeling" thoughts.

Do you still look for evidence? My H has told me that he and the OW love each other. He's giving us a year to "see what happens" but then every other day he's telling me he's gone in a year. We're moving to a completly different state, which in itself is a good thing because the OW lives in the same town I'm in now. I do know he has a pay as you go cell phone just so he can talk to her. Do I even bother to put any effort into seeing if anything can be salvaged? I'm so torn. I have been married to this man since I was 17 years old, how do I just give up without trying to do something? Is there anything that can even be done at this point?

Well, here's the thing -- as you can tell from reading this thread, it is hard to start trusing your H or W again after they have cheated. However, if you are willing to stay w/ your H and are willing to forgive him, you need to get the Divorce Remedy book, read lots & lots of stuff here and start DB'ing immediately.

My H said he wanted a D also and we are now pretty ok and have a much better M than we did before -- I even think our M is better now than before and I wasn't even the one wanting the D.

You just have to stop snooping because it doesn't help or solve anything. Yes, you "bother to put in the effort" BUT ONLY IF you truly want to save your M. You DON'T give up and yes, there is lots that you can do at this point, but you have to stick around here and read the book. (I know, I sound like a commercial) but the DB'ing is the only thing that saved my M!!!

Look at yourself and try to figure out what you could change for the positive in your M. For me, it was just being there for me, talking to him, spending time w/ him, having sex more often, doing more around the house, etc. It's all become 2nd nature to me now, but it does require effort which I wasn't putting in before the D bomb. When you get married, have kids, work full-time, life comes at you w/ all kinds of stress, I think a lot of people's M's get put to the back burner. It takes effort!!! You truly have to actually think about it; you can't just go through life, living day to day, because it will get the best of you in the end. Love him, be his friend and put some effort into yourself and your M.

I know I need to stop snooping. I'm hoping that once I get out of here and we are together as a family again maybe we can start to get things on track. He won't be able to run and see her, all they can do is talk on the phone. As much as that makes me sick to think about I do know there is nothing I can do about it. It's just really hard. He hasn't told me ILY in forever but doesn't mind telling me how it is between them. I have to admit I'm scared of loosing him. I've been married to him since I was 17 and I really do love him. I just can't seem to figure out where to go from here.

When it came to requiring him to do some of the "work", did you feel like your hands were significantly tied because of his impending deployment?

Do you feel like your hands are tied now because he is geographically far away from you? That is, are you afraid to talk to him about all that has happened, what you are feeling, and what you need to know about what he is feeling -- because he isn't directly observable and coming home to your arms every night?

I guess what I'm getting at is, does the deployment significantly complicate/restrict what you feel you can require from him now? If so, does it help to keep that in mind that eventually you'll be free of those complications...(in a year, or sooner if you decide it makes sense to ignore the geographic distance), and will be freer to require more from him?

Well, I finally realized last night that I am still "walking on eggshells" w/ H. We had a few very, very short "discussions" about our sitch before he left, but that was only me asking if we were going to be ok and H saying "It's all going to be fine, Baby."

I didn't want to "rock the boat" or cause any sort of problems, especially as the time got shorter and shorter before he left. I just wanted him leaving on nothing but good terms, etc.

Well, I went out on a limb last night finally and sent him the following email:

"Dearest H,

I'm sitting here tonight missing you so very much. I just love you so much, Babe, and I so wish I could just hold you right now. I guess it's finally sinking in . . . the reality of you being gone . . . I feel as if so much has been left unsaid between the two of us after all that we have been through since January. My heart still aches when I think about how much hurt we have been through. I never meant to hurt you or betray your trust in the ways that I now know that I did. I never meant to reject you in any way. I guess I was so lost, I didn't know how to take care of you anymore. I'm so very glad I have found my way and I truly pray every day that I am fulfilling your every need as your wife. I just cannot imagine life without you. We miss you so very much.

I don't know if you realize how much respect I have for you as a man, as a father and in your career. I know how much those "kids" mean to you and how much your job and it's responsibilities mean to you. I just hope that you have always known how supported you are in your endeavors.

I hope you no longer feel the need to get any sort of emotional comfort from anyone other than me. I hope that I have been fulfilling all of your needs in that area. I still feel so very insecure about that part of our marriage. It hurts me so very much when I think about you talking to another woman on a regular basis about all the things I want you to be sharing with me.

I'm sitting here "writing" this to you and I can hear "S2" in the other room singing the "Bumble-bee" song (won't my mommy be so proud of me). "S3" is walking all over the house now and he looks so funny the way he walks. I just want to be sure that you know that I'm taking very good care of our boys. I'm supporting them in every way that I can because this is really hard on them as well.

I hope that you take every opportunity while you are over there to explore new things and places. I think you should go on all the trips that you can -- experience all of the different places, culture, etc. that you can. And then bring it all back and share it with us. I would love that.

I just want you to know how much you are loved and missed, H. How very important you are in our lives. How very proud of you we are, whether we like you being gone or not, I am helping "S1" to understand that you are helping to protect our country and that is so very admirable.

So, what do you guys think? He has not responded, but I know he had to have read it because he responded to another email I had sent earlier w/ S1's baseball pic.

I realized last night as I was doing my final check on the boys before I went to bed that, if H ever did choose to leave, we would be ok. Or, better yet, I realized I would be ok. Yes, it would suck and hurt for a very long time, but I would live. I guess that's why I finally decided I wasn't going to just sweep our sitch under the rug anymore. I need to be able to talk openly w/ my H about EVERYTHING and that includes the sitch or I am going to continue to feel somewhat distanced from him.

Well, he called this a.m. and I don't know if he had read the email or not. He said that he had a bunch of emails and didn't get through them all.

However, either way, we had a really good conv and his tone seemed really soft & loving.

I feel better having gotten things off my chest. I guess I'm just concerned that, if he hasn't read the email, that it's going to make him mad. What do you guys think? I guess the only reason I can think of for him to get mad, though, is if he has something to get mad or defensive about and then that's kind of what I'm trying to get through to him -- that if "stuff" is still going on, it needs to be dealt w/ in the correct manner (of course, what I think the correct manner is, obviously no more contact).