Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Piecing, 2 steps forward, one back, or more?

He wants to be with you as long as you and D give up your home, family, friends, etc., and move somewhere that you've made it clear you don't want to be. And....yes, he's lonely. Statistics show that there are about 9 men to every 1 woman in Alaska. Hmmm.... What is he willing to do for you once you move there? And, why is he not willing to move where you are if he's so bent on making you happy?

Oh BethM,

I know where you're coming from b/c I've been on the fence for so long on this, I am sick of my own limbo...I do want to protect myself but let's face it, I'm taking a risk. But h says he is too, since he'll be earning more, there'd be more to divide.....actually, he's partly right. What's important is that he has fears, but wants to work on this. I believe for now, the thing to do with d9 is "act as if", PMA about the move and reminding her it doesn't have to be permanent by any means. Re; H, I think we both need a "plan" and a way of staying on track. I really want to minimize backsliding as much as possible. But yes, I know it'll happen.

Beth, I remember your story if I'm thinking clearly. you did follow him and he was with OW?? Post 9-11? OUCH!!!

YEP, I can imagine how you see this and honey, I feel that way lots of the time too! Hence, this post.

I guess in the final analysis, I am choosing to risk being wrong, and hurt again, b/c if I'm "wrong", I'm erring on the side of love and trust, and not fear....but OMG, it's often a close call.

Thanks for posting. Please keep in touch. I appreciate your feedback.
j-

True! However, I would think a good supply of bear spray might be in order and keep any small animals inside the house and away from the wolves - they have viscious appetites

Hi J,

No that wasn't me. My husband had several other women, but in the end none of them stuck. He's all alone for now anyway.

I can see that you know exactly what you're getting into. This is quite a leap of faith on your part, and believe me, I will be rooting for you all of the way. I really do want to believe that your husband means what he says. MLC is a horrible thing. It takes guys who were the best husbands and Fathers and turns them into people we don't even know. I used to think I was the luckiest person in the world, and if I had to hand pick a Dad for my kids, I couldn't have made a better choice. You already know what happened with my children.

You've got it all goin' on girl. Always remember your worth!

Love,
Bethie

Thanks for all the support on my thread, finally found your new one. This statement is fantastic, you have your eyes wide open and feet firmly on the ground. You know what you're risking, you know why and you've weighed the pros and cons and even if the balance is even you're willing to put yourself on the scale to tip the balance. You might regret moving to Alaska, but you won't regret doing what you're doing for your daughter, your family, your husband or for yourself.

Best wishes,
-JDK

As this has been taken out of context and seems to have so many on Surviving in an uproar, I can see that this should have been explained properly.I apologize for failing to explain myself, once again.

NOT EVERYONE MAKES IT TO PIECING BY CHOICE
There are many who have had enough of the BS from their WAS and there are also some who choose to move on and not wait for their WAS to return.

There are some who absolutely have no choice in the matter, their WAS is too far gone and too much damage has been done.

There are some who have worked so hard on themselves that when/if their WAS returns they are simply not the same people anymore, too much change has happened.

I am terribly sorry, once again for not explaining things as I should have and maybe now there will not be so much anxst here over my words.

As for the negativity, J and I have discussed this a few times, our in-laws and their lack of support. Finding out who our real friends are throughout all of this nonsense, etc.

We are all different people and what works for some, may not work for others.

This is supposed to be a place where we can discuss differences of opinions and perhaps learn from one another without having bad thoughts or gossiping about another poster on a public forum, where all are free to read these posts.

Believe it or not, I too having feelings and there are much nicer and kinder ways to handle an issue.

So again I apologize if I offended anyone and hopefully this can now be laid to rest.

BND,

Thank you.

Sadly, you and J don't have a corner on the market when it comes to being left out to dry by the in-laws. That has been for me the 2nd biggest disappointment to come out of this whole thing.
Although I'm sure I would still be hurt by the outcome, my heart breaks for my kids.

How will you handle a relationship with them now that you have reconciled?

Bethie

Beth,

Thank you!



I have left this up to my Husband.

A couple of months ago I finally told him some of the things his family had done to me and the kids.

There was no point in telling him anything during MLC as he was not living in reality and I kept things to a minimum.

So now he has finally become a support as far as "they" are concerned.

For about 3 years his family did not acknowledge any of the kids in any way. This was the most hurtful, as "they" are the only family my children ever knew.

Beth, I have 8 children. These are the only kids in the family and they were treated like the [censored] on the bottom of my shoe.

2 of the kids got full scholarships to school and not a bloody word was said by anyone when they graduated from high school.. I had one D in the hospital for almost 2 weeks last year and again not one call of concern. There are many incidents that happened but I keep being told to let it go and forgive.

All of a sudden I received an email from SIL telling me that they are just so happy that H is home and are planning a visit.

My H assured me that this will not be happening anytime soon.

I have asked him for 1 year of him being home again before we allow visitors.

The kids and I do not need anyone else meddling and manipulating our lives.

I guess we will just wait and see what happens.

What did your in-laws do to your kids?

BND,

That was so hard for me to read. It's hard when people that we love disappoint us and I need to toughen up where my in-laws are concerned.

I was very close to exh's family, although it didn't start out that way. I was always afraid of my MIL, she's pretty rigid and sometimes tyranical, but when I had my kids I made a decision to make a relationship with her. My FIL is the most wonderful man but he has alzheimers and I don't believe for a minute that he would have cut us loose.

Well so much to say and so little time.....My MIL had very little communication with my husband, actually it was all through me. She would call every Saturday, he wouldn't answer the phone and she wouldn't ask for him. I was guilty in that I didn't understand it yet I never called him on it. The samething went for his brothers. They would call me to ask questions or to just talk. The only time they really ever spoke was on someone's birthday or over the holidays. I think that I kept the connection so it was easier for everyone to overlook the fact that he never kept one. (funny how I can see it all so clearly now!)

When my husband first decided that he "needed to find" himself, they were all behind me and worried about the kids. As time went on it just became easier for them to not rock the boat. Everyone tried to tell me that this would happen, but I didn't want to believe it. I always say that if you they admit that he has a problem then they would have to deal with it and we couldn't have that.

So where does this leave my kids? Well since they won't speak to their Dad MIL has told me that they were nothing but spoiled brats and if it were up to her she would cut them off. Needless to say I haven't spoken with her since.

It's all been so hurtful, but I gotta' tell you, my kids have had the courage not to play her game and she doesn't much like it. To husbands family money is love. No emotion, no kisses, no nurturing (except when FIL was well)and my kids have been strong enough to say no thanks! I never had that kind of courage to stand up to my MIL, at least not until she hurt my babies.....

OMG ladies,

the whole MIL thing...ironically, it is H's father (remarried to 4th w..."fourth time's the charm"...) who wrote and called. Go figure.

My mil isn't coming to d18's graduation b/c she has dogs that are getting old and you "never know how long they'll be around"--referring to the dogs, btw. BUT then I find myself saying, "WTH do I want HER to be here for? " So, now that we know what we know -- we have to be careful what we wish for... Haven't talked directly to h about this. Don't know how necessary it is since mil is already so distant and now, her 2nd of 3 grandchildren is off to college... increasingly, I'm grateful she's not in the picture. If somehow, mil "visits" us (ahhh, another advantage of Alaska is that mil visiting is about a 1/1000000 likelihood) well then I will likely be very busy....getting a 2nd job, or something...
j-