Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Can you give me some advice please?

Often those folks that we think are "more into fcuking" are actually just as into "making love" but they actually look at kinkier acts as "proof" of your love OR are so uncomfortable with aspects of their sexuality that getting kinky allows them to focus on other things and stay away from feelings of closeness. It isn't a conscious choice or preference but it serves psychological needs just the same.

In terms of the acts proposed - is he willing to shave too? is he willing to have you "do" him with a kit like Nop suggested? What is good for the goose........... OTOH - maybe you could pick the least abhorrent on the list and give it a try?

Karen

Oh I LOVE you guys!!

It was wonderful to check my thread this morning and see so much discussion.

ILHubby and Karen, yes, I think it's all about that validation thing. He probably thinks we have "made love" for years. He wants to "occasionally" crank it up a notch and when I have seemed to be full of no's, he started getting a hang up about it. ("Why won't she do these things with me? Aren't I her husband? Aren't these things that she did years ago with one-night-stands?!")

Funny thing is, Karen, he SHAVED just the other day. lol He is completely hairless down there now. And as I suspected, yes, for about 5 minutes, it is nice and smooth, but there is a certain amount of stubble and I felt it as we were ML. Oh well. We bought some KY Sensual Mist when we were at the store the other night. I gave him the night off last night and took the kids out for most of the evening. I had planned on experimenting with it, but fell asleep right after putting the kids to bed. I apologized this morning and I could tell he was disappointed, but he was nice about it.

I would like to blow his mind a bit tonight.
Nop, we have some "toys" some small, some large. I might give your idea a try. ONE TIME, I did what he had so often been doing to me and inserted a finger. I think I recall he was ok with it, but no fireworks or anything.

He did say the other evening, as we were talking candidly, right after our MC session, "Does it actually HURT you?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Well, I don't want to do anything that hurts you." We have not mentioned the sex issue EXPLICITLY with the C. He said in a session that he appreciated me going out of my way to show him that he is important and I believe we have casually mentioned that yes, we have resumed sex. The last session I was supposed to talk about the death of my Mom when I was 23. She was an alcoholic and had lived a very troubled life. I talked about how it had kind of changed me and I grew up a lot/got serious when she died. I kind of lost my interest in music for a while, got very serious about Joey and I getting married, finished my education degree, had a good chip on my shoulder for a year or so. I mentioned in that session that she had an "important papers box" and when going through her stuff I found, as Joey puts it, things I never should have seen. Apparently she received some money in a settlement of some sort because of some military guy who she lived with that abused her in some sense and physically damaged her anus. I also found pictures of her in demeaning sex scenes. Why she kept these I have no idea. She always lived with scuzzy guys and was extremely co-dependent. So take that for what it's worth. I have never DIRECTLY sensed that my mom's experiences affected me sexually, but my mind does wander during sex, and sometimes extremely negative things pop into my head and I try to just ignore it and move on. Additionally, I never felt that we HAD problems with sex. I REALLY feel like H has viewed this entire last year as being much more negative than it really has been because of his own mindset, but whatever. I have taken action and tried to turn things around and have been fairly successful so far. My girlfriends think I'm being a doormat, but I don't really see it that way. Not completely at least.

Thank you VERY VERY much for the advice. Since you know my story somewhat, I would love some advice on my thread over in Newcomers. I leave more of the sex stuff over here, because I feel a little funny being explicit in my thread over there.

Can someone tell me how to put that little link down at the bottom? Also, how come more people don't have personal pictures as their avatars? All I see are graphics.

Perhaps in his mind, if you were really attracted to him and turned on by him, you'd "lose control" and be "up for anything". A "sexual frenzy", if you will.

Placing limits on what you'll do with him sexually seems like "holding back" to him. Especially if you won't do for him what you ever did for someone else... it's like that someone else is more deserving in your eyes or turned you on more than him.

If you'll have sex your way, but enthusiastically, maybe that'll send the same message to him that he's looking for by asking you to push your boundaries.

In other words, instead of having "vanilla sex" have "Blue Bell Natural Vanilla Bean sex".

Perhaps he's also looking for reassurance that you getting older and more mature isn't a sign that you'll ever have any intentions of sucking all the fun out of his relationship or his life.

Yes, I agree with that completely, but his whole discussion of his sexual needs lately has wiped his little emotional affair off the table and that irks me.

It's all about what he's NOT getting, it seems. My strategy has been exactly what you said, to amp it up in my own way, be "into it."

So, I was reading up on the board, and looking forward to him coming home tonight (we'll be packing for a weekend out of town). I called him up while both kids were napping and just said I was thinking about him. I said I was looking forward to him coming home and wishing there was some way for the kids to give us some private time for a while. He said, "why what would you do?" Ok, another opportunity! I don't know why this stuff is hard for me. I giggled, paused, tried to say something, but couldn't, then finally said, "I don't know, what would you do?" with a big smile on my face. He wasn't having it though. Wanted to hear it from me. He said, "I'm at work, I'm just listening." I said, "That's hard for me, Joey." still smiling/giggling. He said, "Just tell me what you imagined." I said, "Then I'd have to use those words that I don't like." He said, "No, you don't have to say, Then I'd suck your cock! You could just say, then I'd go down on you and swirl my tongue around. . . " I giggled some more and TRIED. I said, "I'd just like to be in your arms and spend some time under the covers with you, maybe experiment with that sensual mist we bought." He wanted more, I said I couldn't. He heaved a big sigh, and that was the turning for me. I said, "Joey, I called you because I had positive feelings I wanted to share with you. I don't like feeling like I'm disappointing to you. He said he was sorry and he was just kidding, but I said, no you weren't kidding when you sighed like that. You wanted me to do something that is hard for me, but I was telling you in my own way that I am looking forward to being with you tonight! I think you've got it pretty good, but all you see is the negative. He said I was being moody, etc.

Anyhow, that's pretty close to what was said, and I just felt discouraged that 1) I can't just DO and BE what he wants and 2)He can't just be happy with me as I am! Grrr! ;(

Corri,

You TOTALLY crack me up. I don't remember what you had written but I added you as a favorite poster a while back. hee hee!

Nop, You're hilarious too. Hmmmmm ...

Tell him you want to pretend. Roll over, put lube on your butt, encourage him to have outercourse while simulating anal, talk to him during it, asking him to give you anal, but reminding him it is pretend if necessary.

Read "The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women" by Tristan Taormino to help you understand why it might be relevant to intimacy for both of you. I haven't read it, but it looks interesting.

If you can't swallow, you can still embrace him and his cum. During oral, encourage him to cum in your face and rub it all over you instead of swallowing.

Go for a wax and put a fake tattoo on of a heart in a new place to surprise him. It will grow back.

Quit worrying what other people would think. No one else should have any information here to have any thoughts about any of it except you and H.

Zuzu, I had a hard time w/ that kind of stuff too. When I almost lost my H, I did a 360 (no 180's here) and I've done & said stuff I never would have imagined. Now, the anal stuff, no. And I think you have every right to say no to certain things, but if it's going to make him happy, maybe you could start trying to say/do different things that you COULD become comfortable w/.

Some people, however, just have a lot of inhibitions about sex and can't necessarily go there and if that's how it is for you, your H is going to need to do some work on accepting what is and is not ok FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE. (thanks again for your earlier post, girl!)

P.S. Why did H have to ask if anal hurt?

Maybe what you need to do here is some clearer communication. Rather than blushing and running away, or saying "Ewww, gross, that's disgusting. You are sick. You want me to look like a little girl for you to F," and so on...

Try:

"H, I want to be your kinky girl, but you've picked three things for me that just don't work for me physically.

(1) Anal sex is very painful for me, it just plain hurts. It is about as sexy for me as giving birth. I actually bleed afterwards, which scares me. (If true.)

(2) Swallowing doesn't gross me out because it is your cum, it grosses me out because it stimulates my gag reflex and makes me throw up a little in my mouth. The VOMIT is what is gross. It would ruin the enjoyment I get from going down on you.

(3) Even if you just see it as clean and sexy, shaving completely down there would make me feel like I was trying to look like a little girl. It would make me feel like I was somehow setting myself up to be molested. This is my problem. I don't think you seem like a little boy when you are shaved. It is just my own mental block, but one that would really make me feel victimized if I shaved. (Or whatever is going on there. If it is simply a concern about skin irritation, you could at least try it once and see if it is better or worse than you expected.)

I think your H may have a point, that you know how to be more of a sexual being outside the context of M than inside the context of M. THIS IS NOT AN UNCOMMON PROBLEM FOR WOMEN. And, I can see why that would hurt him.

Also, step up to the plate and discuss this directly with the C. It is obviously a huge priority for you right now. And it will be in your M until the two of you are sexually compatible.

H is not likely to be happy settling for a sex life without more emotional risks. He IS SEEKING intimacy and vulnerability. Methinks YOU not HE are the one avoiding it...

Oldtimer makes a good point about women being a more "sexual being" outside of M. I think it happens after we have children and think of ourselves as the "mom." That's what I was doing anyway -- I think I had a problem turning mom off and becoming sexual goddess that I am Anyway, it is something you have to consciously do and realize that it's ok to be both. After awhile, it becomes second nature. You find yourself before children and realize you can still be that person even w/ the kids.

Thank you for the comments. I just got Sex Starved Marriage last night and I am trying to really look closely at myself.

I posted about this earlier, but when I say I'd like him to "Liberate" me, (use the Liberator pillows we bought) he doesn't always do it. Lazy?? When I told him recently, he should pour some honey on me in a favorite spot and lick it off, he never did it. (He has made comments before about being turned off about food and sex, but I guess I didn't think this was the same. I thought he would find it sexy.)

Like I said, I'm gonna try and blow his mind tonight. I'll push myself, I'll let you guys know how I do.