I don't know you or your sitch well. It is simply my impression that to be in a healthy R you need to work through some issues. It is probably most useful for you to talk to your C to see if this is plausible or not.
I think you need it not because there is anything WRONG with you (I want to make that clear), but because....you need to recognize the behaviors in you that attract strong women like the ones that you have attracted, who use you and are later turned off (sexually at least) by your generous/giving/laid-back personality. If you can learn to recognize these women, you can learn to avoid them and find women who are TRULY compatible to you.
There is NOTHING wrong with your personality...nothing at all, so don't think I'm saying that...personally, I like your personality. Counseling can help you recognize behaviors in yourself (at the onset of a relationship) that you perhaps don't keep up later on when things become more comfortable and you are more who you are naturally, and you become more laid-back. It can also help you recognize women that NEED a stronger man continually. Are you a stronger personality consistently? I'm thinking...probably not, that's just not who you are. So...it would be helpful for you to learn to recognize women who would be more compatible to you permanently....so you can still be who you are naturally, and not have to constantly be a stronger/more controlling person.
That's why I think counseling would help you. It would help you grow, not fix you...just help you grow.
She asked me to go out over the weekend. When it got time to get dressed and go she way laying down in the bed, naked and said that she was too tired and would it be okay if we were together and stayed home. I said ‘Sure’ but was not my normal ‘Oh Boy lets get together’. It was causal, sort of passionate and fun.
I know she is trying hard. The day after was good. She iniated sex again and I accepted. The rest of the day I spent working on my house while she studied for finals.
Her whole temperament is different… cautious, walking-on-egg-shells, loving. She is scared. On Sunday, she went on and on about herself. She seems to be so depressed and has such a negative attitude about life!
Her favorite pity remark is this “We can split up and you will go on your merry way, your job is good. I will be devastated and have been unemployed for two years, who will hire me!”. My response is usually this “I feel for you, but is this my fault”. She went on and on about the city that we live in and how difficult it is to find a job, plus another 30 minutes of poor pitiful me and why she lost intimacy with me.
I told her that I understand and I was responsible at least 50% with my actions to her. I told her that I am tired of the fighting and will do so no longer on this issue. 8 months is enough!!
After a couple of good days of no fighting and good intimacy she started up again with her financial issues... She said that she did not think it was fair that I had quit paying for her kids extra expenses. I told her that I am still paying for some of these. She also said that you recently got a raise and you decided to put it in your 401k. She did not come out and say it but she was wanting to say ‘Don’t I have a say so in where your money goes?”
I told her that while we are not married then I will control my money and then I said “ Maybe you need to move back to your home and regroup your life.” I was nice about this but a little perturbed that she was playing the famous ‘Guilt’ trip on me. She walked away and later tearfully said "Are you sure about this?". I said "You know how I feel". It was dropped after that.
I know I am not building any trust here! However, I feel my boundaries need to me maintained until my trust is built back up. I can’t believe she is trying to get in my pocketbook when we are not married and having severe issues.
She initiated sex again last night. It was not a passionate type of initiation but a more subtle one. I took her up on it. It was great. I wonder if her willingness for sex now is a last-ditch effort to keep me. I will stay positive but cautious.
I am still waiting to see what happens. Her kids will be out of school by the end of this month. So the clock is ticking.
I think I have put my foot down and she respects me more. She knows she has one foot out the door and it is up to her to straighten up. It has been 8 months and I am tired of waiting!
Ok her behavior is blantantly trying to "be good until I get what I want again." I'd bet my month's paycheck that if you started paying for things again...she'd revert back so fast it'd make your head spin.
I'm glad you are not buying her guilt trips, but the fact that she's still throwing those out there and giving you what you want sexually is EXACTLY why I can tell you this is a manipulation tactic to get back in good graces....this is not an integral change in behavior.
I suggest you stick to your exit plan and don't waver from it. If this woman TRULY wants your R to work she will do what it takes to get this R back on track...if that means taking a step back and working on issues then that's what she needs to be willing to do. I can't get away from her comment that keep referring to you just getting a raise, and that you make more money. The fact is AN, she's a grown woman who has kids....she needs to be responsible for hers and their bills....no one else. Same goes for you, you have your own responsibilities and your own children to think about. Her financial demands take away from your own children, at the very least from your time with them.
I have a gut feeling that if you stick to your guns financially with her and continue the exit plan....you are going to see a lot more dramatics, and I bet she ups the sex ante too.
Thanks again for you input. So far all is going well.
- The sex/intimacy thing is going well. She is initiating and I am not pressuring her too much. Progress is being made. Our 1/week scheduled Intimacy get-togethers were extremely stressful on me. She would start an argument either before or after the said events. These are over with...
- One of my break-up comments to her was: “Listen XXX, I appreciate your willingness to do this but I do not think you are doing this whole-heartily but simply as a way to calm the beast (me).” “This feels like charity sex even though you are enjoying it as am I”. “I am tired of it and will not put up with it any longer!” Needless to say, she understood where I was coming from and apologized for her behavior.
- My financial boundaries have been set and she has adjusted without complaining. When she brought up the raise, I told her how is was going to be, then I went through my speech again. I told her that I have my responsibilities and she has hers and if she has a problem then she needs to make a decision and leave. I did this with respect but with firmness. I am paying for a few things for the kids but not like before. I am not paying anything for her at his point.
- I feel so much better for my boundaries I have set and I think she knows that I do not stress anymore over whether or not she stays or goes. I can take her or leave her! I will have a great life with her or without her. If we split, I know for certain that other women find me attractive and I can he very happy by myself!!
I am comfortable waiting this month to see what happens. Yes, she is walking on egg shells compared to the past eight months. I do relaize that I was taken advantage of. I have grown a new set of you-know-what!
It has been approximately 3 weeks and all is going well as expected.
I do find myself thinking about being single again or is this the right girl for me. This will happen after I notice a small love buster or I think about her past… dam@-it~
She is doing a better job in the Intimacy area. She has initiated 2 times since the 17th so I guess that is progress. It has been rather lack-luster enthusiasm on her part. I have the first 6 months to base my experience on.
In addition to this, I have initiated Intimacy a couple of times too. She accepted. Maybe I need to completely back off to see where she takes this.
She has asked a few times (in a round-about way) about ‘What are we going to do?”. She is tired of the limbo which is understandable.
My answer has been the same both times:
“More time is needed to see if we are going to make it. However, we have been getting along better and things are improving! Our counselor says that we should not get married and I agree until issues are addressed.”
Not to be insensitive or anything like that, but I would take my wallet out, bolt it to the floor, and then hammer the edges of the bolt head round so it couldn't be removed.
I would then grab a pair of pliers, and break a finger on one of my hands every time the thought of marrying this woman crossed my mind.
Your mileage may vary
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
