Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy My Heart is Aching

My sitch is that H dropped D bomb back in January. We have worked things out, however, he did have an EA during and probably prior to this time. I don't know how long it was going on.

I actually thought I knew who it was, however, then he said it was not someone from work. I still think it is and feel that he's still lying to me.

He is now deployed for a year. He left on very good terms, but I am still having a really hard time with the backlash of the A's. (He also had 1 prior EA while deployed and 1 PA/one night stand while deployed).

I am trying to "give him the benefit of the doubt" that I truly set the stage for him not to choose to cheat on me again during this current deployment, but I have to wonder if he is still continuing to talk to this woman from his job over here. He told me his "friend" was not someone from work and that his "friend" "had been taken care of."

A very big part of me is truly trying to just LET IT GO. I have chosen to stay w/ him and feel I have forgiven him, but I am having such a hard time trusting him again. Maybe it's partly because I never asked for details.

Does anyone have any insight from either the side of the person having the affair or the person that needs to try to trust again?

I know I can't dwell on all of this, and I really don't all the time, it just seems as if at certain times it just really starts bothering me a lot. Maybe because I don't want to talk to him about how I'm feeling with him so far away and I don't want to "start anything."

Also, I found a text message from January from the woman @ work who I thought the EA was w/ saying "I don't have a signal. Call me after shower and I will call you back if I can." Maybe he was just "friends" w/ her and there was another "friend" that the EA was w/, but I just don't know.

I just don't know if any amount of emotional & physical (when he's around) support and love, etc., etc. is ever going to be ENOUGH. I just don't know if I can ever be ENOUGH for him. That's the way I feel since he's done this more than once. Yes, we were having our problems, but I just don't know if he will ever stop or if I can ever fulfill him no matter how much I do.

Cades,

I think it is perfectly normal for you to feel this way. I was deployed for 7 months, but we didn't have "problems" during that time - none that I was aware of, but of course that was a misgiven conception. I see now that we did, and it led to my W's affair.

Since he is gone for a year, this would be the time to be GAL - I need to follow my own advice. I was in the military for 6 years. I am here if you need to talk. I have seen it all while I was in.

I just seem to have my "moments" where I just get that sick feeling in my stomach. I guess a big part of the problem is that, since my sitch, I don't feel completely connected to H and now know he isn't the same man I married. I look at him differently. I know a lot of it is my insecurity, but at the same time, I just wonder if he has or will finally see that he needs to deal w/ some stuff too. However, I think I know that his way is to just "keep pressing" now that we are ok and leave the past behind. I guess that's not a bad thing. I'm just left to deal w/ the trust issue and hopefully I will be able to do that.

I know he has gone to a bar since he's been over there. Playing pool and then he said "well, it's time to go." Kind of like he knew his boundaries so that's good, although he has only been there for a short time.

At one point during this, he did blame me for the A's and said I made him forego his integrity, etc., etc. I know it's not my fault, it was his choice, but I'm hoping that he will realize that he truly has it really good in our M and our family and decide to keep his integrity intact this time. That's his choice though so I just daily pray for him to stay strong in that aspect.

I know he already has made numerous friends over there (male friends) so I'm hoping he won't get lonely and find the need for some sort of female emotional companionship. We are able to email and call all the time and I'm just being supportive and not complaining about anything over here.

Cades, is there a chance or a possibility of you visiting him once during that year? For me, I missed my W a great deal, she missed me too, and I made sure I called her whenever I could. When I didn't call, she would ask me why? And I would say that I did try to call, but our phone lines on my ship were down or jammed. It's hard when you have 5,000 sailors on one ship trying to call home at the same time.

Reflecting back, I wish there was some way that she and the kids would fly out to meet me at whatever port we were pulling into, but we didn't have the finances then.

But I would also be sure that your M is at a point where trust is being built, and your H is realizing what he has.

He gets to come home for 30 days half way through. I've thought about going over there, but it's a 14 hour flight and so I would want to make it "worth it's while" and I don't think, w/ him being gone for so long, I want to leave the 3 little guys for 2 weeks as well.

Not having to deal with the military away thing I can’t relate to your sitch. But I can tell you. I had and still have my up and down days. My W had the affair, I found the pic’s I know the guy, I know where he and is WIFE live. (Out of state).
What helps me is I took the power away from my W to control my feelings. I want things to work out but I am not giving her the power to decide. I have back up plans; I tell myself I’m not going to let my sitch get me down. I don’t try to pursue the OM. I don’t worry about her talking to him. She in the one with the problem not me. She has no control over me as I don’t over her. I’m going to go on. I look for things to do that I enjoys so I don’t have down time to think about the OM.
I suggest you do the same. Go to the movies, start a garden. Find some friends to hag out with but don’t dwell on something you have no control over. I know its hard 4 weeks ago I was in the same place. I couldn’t eat, sleep and my job was starting to be affected. But then through support here I found others are going through the same thing. It’s great to look back and see where you where when you started here and where you are now.
It’s will get better I promise.

In that case, if gets 30 days to come home, just be sure that that time will be well spent with you and the little ones.

I definitely will, sol!!!!

husband -- I have somewhat gotten to that point. That's what I keep telling myself -- I have no control over what he chooses to do. I just can't imagine that he would be able to live w/ himself if he was continuing to talk to other women when things have been so good w/ us. If he can and/or is doing that, he's not the man I want. I won't be 2nd best again and I already know that it would be over if he chooses to cheat again. I don't dwell on that either, but I am also trying to get to the place where I am happy w/ who I am and know that I would be ok w/o him if it comes to that. I don't want a H who cheats on me every chance he gets, especially when I, his W, am putting so much effort into the M and helping him to be fulfilled in our R. I'm here, taking care of our home, our little ones (3 of them -- ages 7, 3 and 1), working full time, etc. plus being supportive of him and not complaining or moaning & groaning about anything over here. If he chooses to go off & have another A while I'm doing all that and after all I did w/ the DB'ing, etc., he's gone.

I know that sounded all very negative. That's just my take on if it happens again. I truly don't think he's going to actually cheat on me again while he's over there, like I said, I'm still just a bit concerned about the EA/OW over here.

BUT like I said, I chose to stay, forgive & forget, so now I'm working on the forgetting/trusting again.

You're a good woman, Cades. You deserve to have a loving H that admires you for all that you do in giving to your R and your family. If only there were more like you.

I hope that your H just wakes up and realizes what he has right in front of him...

Thanks, sol. For some reason, I'm just really down today, so that makes me feel better. I just don't know if he ever will see how good we really have it. I'll just keep praying -- for him and for me. I guess maybe I'm just tired today.