Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy trying to hold out

It sounds like you know where you need to go. Definitely don't smother and no hollow romance stuff... but talk about history, a little compliment once in awhile. You're right about the baby steps, but I think if you go slowly and make it real, show interest in her feelings, hopes and dreams, and share some of your own. Work towards being best friends first, and strengthening those friendship ties by spending time together, creating good memories, then a gradual real romance will follow, not some fake Hallmark stuff. You are right. I think you're doing well!

Ok Everyone I need some advise / opinions

Question #1
During the MC meeting yesterday my W said that she talked to her C about Communicating in E-mails. It seems she to her C that I communicate better in E-mail. And that besides talking I should continue the E-mail her.
Well I am distancing myself and giving my W space so what should I e-mail her about?

Question 2
My W also said that she feel that she is the one that always makes the arrangements and takes care of all of the plans when we go away somewhere.
Then at dinner last night. For some reason she actually sat at the dinner table with me and made my son get away from the computer and eat with us.
When I mentioned that my son said something earlier in the day about going to see the Winchester mystery house she said we need to go on mini vacations this year.
I opened my big mouth and asked if she wanted me to make the arrangements she said yes.

If I do this am I sliding on my Detachment? My son will be there and I see it as maybe a Family thing.

I just got off the phone with My C I asked her what she thought about the meeting. She said that My W is really confused; she was disappointed my w never said anything about working on our relationship.

I think my wife is confused. I think she is afraid of working on the relationship until she knows why she feels the way she does and why she did what she did.
I think she feels she is at the cross roads, has hurt me and does not want to do it again. So if she works on the relationship before she figures her problems we might end up getting the D and she will be hurting me all over again.

Am I reading to much into this????

You asked, I'll provide <chuckle>. At one time, I was a real contrarian here on the board.

That said................

RE Question #1: Wait until your W has something to say, either in person verbally or via email then respond via email. The reason I say that is because you can actually sit down and compose your thoughts that way. Don't initiate this. If you feel you don't have anything to say, then don't say anything. Distancing does that...keep the conversations relevant. If an issue comes up you need her input on (anything...kids, money, house, schedule changes) then email. But keep it short, sweet, to the point. See how that goes. You'll be maintaining the space and doing as the C suggests.

RE question #2: No you're not sliding from detachment if you are responding to a simple request she gave you to plan/arrange a trip. Sounds like she's testing you to see if you can do this and do it without a lot of drama and neediness. It's a simple task, so do it and don't ask her for a lot of details or go looking for "problems" while carrying out this task. Look at it as as simple task and just do it and then communicate such. See what happens.

You are reading too much into all of this. You're going into paralysis by analysis. Been there, done that. By watching and analyzing each and every move of hers, you lose your life!!! How much fun is that, how interesting is that? Be a little mysterious...

thanks

I actually am being a little mysterious. I have told her I think I know how she feels when she talks to the OM because I have met someone with the same problems that we are having and she understands what I have been going through. I didn't mention I have really never have met any of you in person but.... Then a few times I would be sitting in the room with her and pretend my C phone was on silent. I would kind of jump a little take my phone out and look at it the open it up and go outside. Of course I would stand by the window.
So even though I come back to reality sometimes messing with her head cheers me up.

So continue messing with her head LOL. Get lost sometime and don't bother letting her know where you're going. (Not literally...just take off and do something fun without her knowledge.) You are on to something there with that idea of messing with her head.

Don't give her explicit details for everything you do. Wait until she asks specifically about something you do then be a bit evasive.

Stuff like this takes a bit of advanced learning LOL. But I think you can do it. And do like Nike....JUST DO IT.

Where is everyone tonight

Interesting thing happened last night.

I wanted to get my nephews phone number to see if he wanted to go play some pool this Friday night. (My nephew is close to my age on My W side of the family). My W knew of my plans. Anyway My W was supposed to put his number on the auto dial of the phone. She has all phone numbers stored somewhere (I don’t call people often) Last night I checked and she had not done it. I asked her about it and she said she had not gotten around to it. So as I was looking it up in the phone book she decides to call her mom. It didn’t really bother me except I felt like this distancing thing was getting to her. Like she didn’t want me to call him and go out this Friday.
See the OM lives out of state. This is to my advantage because she can’t just go running to him.
My plan now is to ask her next week if she wants to go play some pool next Friday. She has not been out since this whole things started. I have been out every Friday.
I want No Sex, No intimacy just a game of pool as friends. And maybe a little beer.
Like a first date.

Husband....check your email.

Of course you should invite her out... just like you'd invite a friend. If she can make it great, if she can't that's okay too... wait two weeks and invite her again. Eventually she may start inviting you! That's kind of how it happened with my husband. The babysteps of friendship. Gosh, and you're not even in divorce.

I might be wrong here, but I think your wife is feeling a lot of guilt. I also think with OM out of town it's like a detox situation. He was like a drug and she's going through withdraw... that's just my guess.

I think you are on the money Root.