Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy My heart has been completely torn apart

I googled and found this info helpful to me about Emotional Affairs
I wish that I had been armed with this information 3 years ago. Maybe I would have been able to steer her towards counselling for herself, and put my foot down at that time, making her choose.

http://marriage.about.com/od/infidelity/ss/emotionalaffair.htm


I am getting very close to moving out. I want to try and go to see a lawyer first to make certain that I look after my interests correctly.

As most of you have gone through the emotional difficulties, I am doing the same.

I have lost nearly 10 pounds since Friday. We have been together married and dating for nearly 35 years, and I am a highly emotional person, so the crying and sad feelings can be dehabilitating for me.

It's just like everything I have ever dreamed for in life has been ripped away. In construction myself, I have worked very hard making our home beautiful, with woodwork and interior design which would rival many show homes. It's such a wonderful place to come home to. It's taken many years tens of thousands of dollars, and many long hours.
Our kids are wonderful young adults, but housing costs are so high here, that I would have to move far away from their work and friends to be able to afford a home which they could live with me.
They all know our marriage is in dire straights, and are trying SO hard to be extra nice, do extra chores, and to be so supportive. I know that this is going to be heartbreaking for them.

Being so emotional, my heart wants to stay, wish that everything is better, wishing that it was the way it was again. My logical side knows that W has not even admitted anything is really wrong other than the physical affair. She feels it's okay still being close friends with OM.
Even though I write it down it is still; Heart 90% Logic 10%

Understandable since we have been a couple so long, and that I am emotional.

Will she be able to change this destructive behaviour? I believe 75% No 25% Yes

Could I live with myself in a destructive relationship? 100% No

IS,
I'm working my way thru your thread.

I'm responding to your considering a D. I think a decision of D should be made from a position of strength and mental health. If you're struggling with depression, I would not make a decision to D at this time. You need to put your energy into DB, GAL, detachment, and other life skills, that promote mental health and happiness.

CL

Thanks, I think that is what the counsellor is saying. In order for the healing to begin, if it will happen, I need to define my boundaries.

He suggests that if I stay I am in danger of going into depression. I didn't really grasp what he had said until this morning, when I stepped on the scale. I know that if I continue to not eat, my weight is going to become dangerously low in another 4 days.
I didn't think I was depressed that much, but I am fooling myself.

I am continuing to read threads by others on this forum, to help gain stength, and shared experince.

I am a person who is to quick to cave in, too tempted to fall into bad situation again, I very much take your advice to heart, but I'll need to find a stong frame of mind in order to accomplish this.

Should she go to therapy, I am skeptical that she will be honestly preparing to take the steps necessary in repairing the marriage. She has to be willing to work as hard as me, and give up the behaviour that brought us here. (she has not through 2 counselling sessions so far)
I don't want to cave, the first time she pulls at the heart strings, or my "rescuer" personality trait.

No I won't D right away. Unlike her, I do not seek the intimate comfort of persons of the opposite sex. Should it come to that point, then I will.
I think my personal healing can begin when I get space and time to collect my thoughts.
The D is a formal ending or beginning depending on what frame of mind I am in at that time.
I perceive the D in my control, at this time, since W had the PA.

So a little update.
Today since this morning I have been crying on and off all day long. I had a couple of good ones. Sometimes the tears are healing for me, sometimes they have given me a sense of feeling strong. Odd as it may sound, caring in some ways is equivalent to strength, in this case meaning that I am caring about myself. I haven’t eaten much today, not hungry. I have a headache from crying too much

I did my STD HIV test this am.
I phoned a lawyer. I set up a free consult appt. It's a good thing that I did, as it sounds like leaving is not a good idea legally speaking, the counsellor did not give me good advice, I am thinking of trying another one.

Even though I am still at home, I have gone dark today. W sent me an email thanking me for fixing her vehicle (it was a horrendous job 3-4 solid nights) I didn't respond.
I sent her two links yesterday on emotional affairs. She replied today thanking me for the first link, then on the second one she was already suggesting I had an emotional affair with a lady I chat with on the internet. Bait and switch so she does not have to acknowledge what she did.

So no response on either account.
I think that she was disappointed, as she saw me typing like crazy on the computer. I guess that she assumed I was responding to her email.
I have not said anything to her today.

I was instead composing a goodbye letter which will be enclosed in a card to be sent to her at work Monday, (which will be our anniversary) along with a simple flower arrangement.

Maybe I’ll post what I composed one day, essentially, thanking her for the good years and saying goodbye, very nicely.

W asked D for room and board. Daughter asked me if she still has to pay her, why she cannot just give it to me. I told her just to pay W.

I placed a personal ad for a platonic friend this morning, and got a very nice response from someone already. I do not know exactly what to do here.

Well today I realized that I am in mourning.
Why am I in mourning I ask myself?
It could have been something which I overheard Reverend Jim a number of years before he married us, say when he responded to my friend's question. He asked him "Why does it say 'until death' in the marriage vows?"
Jim responded by saying, "It could mean the death of your love..."
That is exactly why I am grieving so deeply. I am grieving the loss of our marriage as it once was.

I did a lot of googling on grief and found a lot of helpful documents.
Mainly I learned that the grief I am feeling is as deep as a sudden death of a close loved one. Possibly, not only mourning the loss of all that was in the marriage but the death of all one's dreams as I perceived them.
Understanding some of this has helped me quite a bit.
I also understand the feelings I have are normal, and I should not try and suppress them.

I also found some topics which made me afraid.
One article suggested that reconciliation is possible for the marriage, but it will not be the same marriage as before.
Tears welled up and I cried, of course I want things to be the same. I want everything to be back the way that it was. I don't want a different marriage.
Alas it can never be the same.
The intimacy, the uninhibited innocence and proudness that I felt, when I knew confidently how long we had been together, unwavering while marriages had failed around us. We were a pillar for all our friends, and example for our children. That has all changed.

I also came to realize that I don't want to be in a marriage without passionate fiery kisses, uninhibited flirting, and blind trust.
Veiled gazes, kisses that feel like a half open door, and trust of one another that hangs by a long thread, are not for me. I could not live like that the rest of my life.
I don't want to be the couple that does not hold hands, who's hugs are measured, who's lovemaking is clouded by the past indiscretions.

So today I feel more freedom to cry and hurt as much as I want. I feel that I have permission to not be functioning at 100% level at work or during any of my other activities. To have no appetite and to be easily distracted.

Yesterday, when I got home from work, I felt a need to talk. After a few emotional bouts, I had a chance to talk to W. We hugged and cried together for a bit. I told her that I would not make a decision about D until I was in a clear emotional state, and that I would let her know first if a a decision was in the works.

She apologised for hurting me so much. We went for a light dinner after gorcery shopping and then went for a walk.

Just talked a bit.

She goes to counselling Monday. I will change counsellors. I don't think he is right for me.

I didn't over burden her for my requirements for reconcilliation, at this time. Baby steps.

She is still a very angry soul, and was reminded of this as we chatted at dinner. Se needs to work on her perspective of life.

Anyway I feel a little more calm emotionally.

Just checking in on you Surrender. I know your situation is a hard one and it something that has been on going for several years. It's a positive that you acknowledged the need to make decisions based on a sound mind and not an emotional hart. That's very important and will serve you well as this process moves along.

I can still sense some anxiety in your post. Believe it or not, time is still on your side and it can be your friend. There's no need to make rash decisions and thinking D is going to give you instant emotional relief is wrong IMHO. It's just a piece of paper. Time and detachment are the only tools that will help in the healing process. Look after yourself and give the W some space. Don't press the issue or give her ultimatums it will just worsen the situation. Act as if your going to be OK no matter what even if that does sound impossible. Get your ducks lined up legally, but give yourself some time to process all of this before pulling the trigger.

Hang in there!

Tom

Thanks Tom, I think that some spring cleaning, garage sale, yard sale things are in order. Maybe it will help mentally de-junk also.

I created a difficulty for myself.
During a heated discussion with my wife, she pointed out that "you don't even have any friends... I have friends and yes some of them happen to be men!"
This kind of hurt, because I simply looked forward to being with my wife, and she would get mad, if I went out on my own doing things. By habit and design, I have no close friends, except for her.
Thinking about the GAL, I wrote a personal ad in the platonic section. I must have wrote the personal ad of all time, because I've had a number of very nice responses.
Now for the advice from fellow DBers. What do I do? Should I now proceed and initiate these possible friendships?
I have little doubt that I will be completely honorable. What do I tell W if she asks? Will that drive her back to her own EA?

This is the 2nd time in 7 years that my husband of 25 years has violated our marraige and with the same fatal attraction woman I just don't understand why when one wants to stray they bring all that onto thier spouse. I can tell u in time it does get better the feelings u feel are real and valid it took me along time to let my husband back into that place where I felt I could trust him and then I just find out he went back to sleeping with her 3 months ago, yes he called it off because he told her he loved me and has always been in love with me and that she was just a quick piece like that was gonna make me feel better like I won the prize. My problem is I do love my husband and he outside of this is a kind and loving man when I take the bad away there is so much more good than bad I guess what I am trying to say is there is hope after the 1st time but I can say that about the 2nd time.

Surrender, no matter what your situation, you can never have enough friends. I kept close contact with my friends all during my M and they were a godsend when stbx dropped the bomb. These were the kind of friends that were tried, true, and tested over the years. My very best friends. They were the ones to drag me through this and helped me keep my chin up. They were priceless at that time in my life.

Tell your W the truth. Your going out to meet some friends. Why would that drive her back to her own EA? If you having friends affects your W's behavior in that manner, maybe you should be asking yourself if she's really somebody you want to be with in a committed relationship. I couldn't imagine the stifling affect my W would have had on me if I couldn't occasionally do things with my friends without her throwing a fit.