Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis How do I know if it is MLC

I understand that nobody can make that decision for me. I am not sure what to do. I am very concerned about the money. He is using our charge for dinners with ow and I just got a hotel bill today for several days last week.

I am concerned because of the fact that there is not enough money for this and I have 3 young kids at home. I need to sell the house. Then what? I have a meeting with a lawyer tomorrow to find out my rights. I need to be sure that the kids are safe and taken care off. He does not seem to be spend thrift but what if that is next? But then again what if it goes through and he decides to remarry before this is done. I know that there are no guarentees but what if there is hope and I blow it by going through with a separation.

It's a crap shoot either way. Youhave to take care of you and the kids but maybe that can be done without a legal separation?

we all chose for ourselves hwo long to stand. There are no guarentees to anything.

What if filing makes him wake up (don't count on it but what if)

If hope is blown by one thing you do then was there really hope?

Regarding him being in Phase 3--if you have read the 6 Stages of MLC and mean Replay, then Yes...almost all newbies have Replayers. That is because Replay is where we learn that things are not right--it's where they get an Ow and drop the bomb.

He is heading in fast too...a direct dive down. It seems scary, but I think that is better. Let him dive full plunge into a relationship with the OW. It sounds like she may already have him on the electronic leash (cell phone) and he's becoming a kept man. And if they are cohabitating...even better. That is the best way to end a relationship--live together.

He will get angry at everything. He will also try to incite you to anger...causing you to escalate to arguments. Unless you like worms, don't bite the bait. The OW can do that...let her be the Bitch.

MLCers stall or take little action regarding divorce or house sales. And many (not all) spend--and spend and spend. So watch those finances. Sweetheart remained cheap and let the Ow pay for things--that was awesome.

Replay can take two years. And it can take less...just accept the complete timeline while hoping for less. Maybe he will burnout faster...maybe not. But he's going prett fast it seems. Now understand, fast is still measured in years.

Your job is to step back and let him fall. He MUST fall and you cannot pick him up. He has to go through this onhis own. If you step in, you will hold him back, possibly prolonging this crisis.

You can contest divorces actions and such--I recommend contesting. But that is legal...step back emotionally.

No one should wait and not move on. Standing is not Standing Still. You get a life, you move on by having a full life that doesn't require your MLCer for your happiness. And you keep the door open.

But what do you want? It sounds like you don't want your marriage to end...therefire you want to be married to your true husband--the man the Monster ate.

If that is the case, why consider divorce.

okay, for your kids and such. But many Stand while taking care of their children....when it comes to safety and fincnes you must decide. But even with legal divorce paperwork...yu can Stand and remarry him.

By reading...and reading...and reading...and talking to everyone here. Read the resources at the top of the forum. Look up the MLC books in that Bibliography.

You wil survive. We cannot guarantee your marriage will survivie...I can only tell you that it is possible.

HUGS,
RCR

RCR,

Thank you for the inspiration. I am still not sure what to do but I am sure it will come to me. I do love the "real" H and am afraid to move on without him. He was truly my best friend and great husband. I wish he would come back.

Do you really think he is flying through this pretty quickly? At least up to this point. I was really shocked that he is letting the OW pay for everything. He even did mention at what point "What are you going to do if I move in with someone?" (that was last week). He still has not gotten an apartment.

He did agree to take the kids this weekend, first time since it starte 5 1/2 weeks ago. So in order for me to finally get a well deserved break. I just planned a trip to Chicago. I have an Aunt there that I am going to visit. I did not want to be to accessible for fear that he would call with some excuse not to keep them. I am guessing that this is pretty standard also. Now he says he is going to come and spend time with them and leaves after about 30 minutes.

I am not going to make any other demands for a while. If he takes them he takes them. It will be a whole lot easier when his parents are hear over the summer. They help me a whole lot.

I actually think that I am at the point where I can back off. It has been a roller coaster ride for me though. I have been back and forth. I hope that this time this calm feeling is here to stay.

I have tried not to fight with him but it does not always work.

mimi

Welcome to Chicagoland! The weather forecast is warm with scattered showers on Saturday, but around here the weather changes at any time.

Be prepared for the rollercoaster ride to continue. I was doing great for the first weeks but am having a harder time now. You will go up and down with each new surprise from H.

I can't say overall. It just seems that he is rushing this relationship part...be relieved. Many dilly dally around. You don't want him to take his time getting to know her.

And if he asks what you would do if he moves in with her...

"Go ahead, I think that would be the ebst thing. I don't think you should wait. I mean you might as well get it going so it can die."

Okay, so you don't have to add that last bit...but I would. I told Sweetheart I wish he would just "bang the bithch and get it over with." Not the greatest language, but I meant it and knew that was how it would pan out. Oh, they will get stuck together for awhile...months to a few years even. Sweetheart, if he stays home and continues his recovery, had what I would call a fast MLC...and it's been two years--18 months of OW back-and-forths. But that's fast in MLC.

He moved in with the OW three weeks after moving out. I was glad because I knew it would end faster. Burn fast, burn out.

That drinking eposide you described also distrubed me...since you said he'd never even been drunk before. He's flying right now. that doesn't mean you will see improvement. It means you are going to get scared as he spirals downward at a rapid rate...cause it's bound to get worse. Really? And what do you mean by it hasn't worked. He got angrier? He continued ot bait you. He got upset because you wouldn't argue and accused of being a goody goody...

Consistency is key here. Often what is working is what you will think is a backfire. They will continue to push your buttons to find the breaking point. Eventually, they will look for someone else to bait when they can no longer argue with you.

Sweetheart began arguing wtih his brother's wife...she became evil--she's one of my best friends, we talked about his tantrums with her quite abit. He appeared all sweet with me and told me he thought she was bipolar due to mood swings and anger--projecting.

Be concisten, because he's going to try to show that whatever you are doing or your changes are not real...because you cahnge again according to his behaviour. It's all a test.

HUGS,
RCR

What I meant by it did not go well is that I tried to keep my cool and he got angrier and angrier with me. Blaming me for screwing up our kids and bringing them into this (my point of view is that he did that when he walked out the door).

This is really funny. He called the house tonight with the phone the ow gave him. I was not hear. The kids wanted to talk to him so instead of calling him on my phone that he has I called him on the OW phone. I think he was shocked.

I also found out the girls name and I felt like telling him to tell her I said Hi. Now that would have infuriated him. I would have found that funny.

I do not want to infuriate him or do I?

mimi

You don't want to deliberately infuriate him--telling him to say hi from you would be baiting him. It's lowering yourself to MLCer behaviour--though oten tempting. We've all done it. That is exactly what I thought you meant. It doesn't mean it is not working.

Even without this crisis we should all learn not to escalate bait to an argument.
Of course it will infuriate him--he's trying his darndest to piss you off and failing...or that is how it's supposed to work--that he fails. You'd be frustrated too. Just keep ding it and eventually...evetually may be a long time--he will find someone else to bait, someone who will argue back.

Arguing won't work with you because you aren't going to play your part.

HUGS,
RCR

I know that saying that would be bad, that is why I have not said anything. I just thought it was a very funny thought. I guess I have to be greatful that he is going to take the kids so I can go away.

I want to thank you for answering me so often. I was begining to get frustrated with my last post because I was not getting very many responses. I really do appreciate your answers and help. I have felt much better today and I hope that I can keep this up.

mimi

"Go ahead, I think that would be the ebst thing. I don't think you should wait. I mean you might as well get it going so it can die."

I wouldn't let him in on your strategy; like a teenager, it might make things take longer. Esp. if he is stubborn.