Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy My wife is falling in love with OM - help.

Don't send the letter. I did lots of letters when my husband was in MLC, mooning after OW and had filed divorce....

I eventually realized the letters didn't make a difference to my husband, and if anything it just showed him that I was still there for him rather than detaching and allowing him to figure his own way.

Unfortunately you can't protect the kids from this situation and anything you do say will seem controlling to her. Most likely anything you do will be turned and twisted into something negative so she can validate this situation with OM. Your best bet is to emotionally detach (ASAP!), work on yourself, and try to be a great parent to your kids. If you can stay emotionally stable, work towards being "friends" with your wife regardless of what crazy stuff she's going through (and it does sounds like she may be in the "addicted-to-OM" stage to me --so this could be a real challenge), and try to be the best parent possible to the kids then you willl be a great role model for them.

I appreciate everyones input, but i went ahead and gave her my letter.

I felt like I had to do it. This situation has been going on for about 6-8 months, with the PA about 3 weeks. I have done a good job with not arguing, remaining civil, etc, but I hadn't really done a good job detaching - and the more i read about what I needed to do, i realized I also needed to make it 100% clear on what i was feeling - before i went on with my life.

I needed to talk to her one more time, and maybe remind her of the good times. Remind her that the in-love feeling always dies, and we could work on finding something better together.

I knew she wouldn't respond favorably, but she didn't respond unfavorably, i don't think its going to speed up any thing on her end. She remembers the good times, but the feelings associated with those memories are covered up by all the neglect and hurt. I didn't expect her to through her arms around me and tell me she's sorry. But i am glad I got to get that off my chest, and maybe one day she'll remember, hopefully when that happens I will still be in a place where I'll want to try again.

I feel like the point of the letter wasn't to change her mind, but to release me.

I can detach now.

It's okay, I did letters too. And I did those same talks as well. These are probably stages we all have to go through. Just don't feel sad or angry when if it doesn't make a difference.

Just focus on you and your kids and don't expect anything from her at this time. When someone has fallen into an affair it's often like they are drunk or on drugs. It's sometimes impossible for them to see the logic or reason in things.

Thanks for the support. What you describe is exactly what i am seeing. It makes me jealous to see her like that with someone else, since its such a vivid memory to when she was like that with me. She has a few times said "Do you want me to stop seeing him?".. This is one of those questions that has no right answer. I try to be honest, "yes, of course - but I know that right now you don't want to do that, and it wouldn't change things" - in my mind if they stopped seeing eachother, their feelings would just grow for eachother.

I've had two breakthroughs recently and I thought i would share them.

1. Two nights ago my 6 year old was having a fit at bedtime, her mom said she could sleep with her that night, and then found that she had destroyed her closet, and knotted up an expensive necklace I bought her. (all in 5 minutes too).

Anyways, she wasn't allowed to have the sleepover in mom's bed (thats weird to say), and she was crying uncontrollably that she wanted mom. needless to say, mom was totally stressed out, by that, me, and the situation. To try to calm her, I told her that mom was stressed, and that if she wanted mom to come and kiss her goodnight she should stop crying, and begging for mom to come and say goodnight.

WAKE UP CALL. It was almost like i was saying it to myself. I keep doing the same old, and i'm pushing my wife into this jackasses arms. He is probably telling her all the right things. (lets take it slow, take as much time as you need to figure this out, I don't want to hurt your family, etc.) And i'm over here letting my anger, hurt, neediness get the best of me.

Thanks to my D6 for hitting me with a 2x4 the other night. I hope i can continue to get hit by 2x4s to wake me up.

2. I need some help with this one. The best I can tell my wife's LL are Quality Time, and Acts of Service. I want to detach, but I would like to work on rebuild some positive feelings for me, but its a little difficult when detaching. I don't want to follow her around like a dog, and I'm done asking her to do things with me. Early in our relationship, we would do everything together, and working on projects together was something that brought us close together, this is not likely these days. In the last few years i really neglected her needs for quality time, and I think its one of the reasons we are where we are. We spent a lot of "time" together, but I was always unavailable emotionally.

So how do I do this - should i just not try to be available? Is anyone else in this situation? What have you been successful with? Right now I'm just trying to be open to whatever comes, but its hard since I don't see any opportunities to be attractive in this department.


thanks

I to had to get it off my chest at one point. I just told her I loved her, but wasn't going to be second to any Man. I told her I'm sorry it came to this and that I was going to miss her. This was the beginning of my detachment.

That was about a year ago and I don't think it initially made an impression on her. Only when I followed it up with action did she notice. Be forewarned, this process takes a while and you have to be consistent in your actions/behavior. You have to learn to act INDIFFERENT to her and her behavior. You can't come across as angry, frustrated, or confused at the slow pace even if you feel that way. I use to think of my W as an expensive baby sitter and this helped me detach. I would only call the baby sitter to check on my kids. Out of the 2 or 3 times we have contact during the week, she initiates it 95% of the time via email or phone. I use to flirt with her via text message before we split and I no longer do that. She still occasionally text me to see if I'll bite on it, but I have not text her since I moved out. This is just one example of detaching from her and I know by her behavior, she missis it. I no longer invite her to my family functions and this bothers her as well. She came from a dysfunctional family and I know she misses the normalcy of my family structure. I come from a large and close family. There is always a family function going on and we have a good time whenever we all get together. She use to tell me she wishes her family could get along together as well as mine does. This is another example of my detachment. It's almost like a carrot and stick approach, but it's the only way she's truly going to experience life without you. Consider the things about you she enjoyed the most in your marriage and take them away from her. Be patient and monitor her reaction. Believe it or not, if her initial reaction is anger, than this technique is working for you. Keep it up if that's the case.

My W struggles to contact me to make small talk, but it's still that insincere effort that comes from the guilt she's feeling. Maybe not guilt over OM necessarily, but definitely for the breakup of our family which she's still to stubborn to acknowledge. I don't engage her anymore and I know this frustrates her. I won't engage her in any conversation outside my S7 until she's ready to speak from the hart and with some substance. I discovered conversation is at the top of her list as far as love languages go and I did a good job of that during our marriage. I think she thought she could still have that with me while getting other emotional needs met by OM, but I followed through with enforcing my boundaries and now she realizes what she's lost.

I'm no longer "detaching" to ease the pain of her walking out on me, I'm detached now because I'm having a good time doing it. That feeling takes time to get back after being with somebody so long, but I'm here to tell you it's possible, so keep your chin up.

Astimegoeson,

It seems like there are 2 schools of thought on the boards. Some like you say - detachment almost borders avoidance. And that I should just have her move out.

Others say do everything you can to keep your wife close to you, while detaching from feeling emotionally hurt about what she is "doing" to you. My DB Counselor has told me that as long as she is at home with me (even though she is full steam ahead with the OM), I have a chance for her to see the changes in me.


Am i correct?

There is disagreement between the two camps, but I just can't understand how you not let her actions affect you while living with her. It's just to much to ask a person to endure IMHO.

I know my temperament would not allow me to do that and I would consider myself pretty level headed and laid back. Others might be able to handle it, but I just couldn't tolerate living with her while she's screwing OM.

Yeah. I understand your feelings completely.

Some days I feel like I can endure anything. Other days I want to kick her ass out as i feel like i'm being walked all over. I've asked her to leave, but she won't as she doesn't want to abandon the kids. She even says confusing things like, she is not sure about things, and wants to take it slow with this other guy, and wants to stay put for the time being, because she is aftaid she is screwing things up big time right now. Afraid that he will be an [censored], and she'll realize what she threw away. (what am I her gay friend now??? I'm supposed to make it easy for their love to grow?) I asked her to read a book a while back about relationships, and now I torment myself with thoughts that she is reading it to learn how to be better in a relationship with him, instead of how to repair ours.

Their is really only one thing that stops me from getting a legal seperation that allows her to move out without being considered abandonment. The pain of losing her is one thing, but the pain of losing the ability to spend unlimited time with my kids is another. I make them breakfast in the morning, tuck them in at night, I love spending time with them, and I just want the best for them. And I know that us seperated in seperate houses is not the best thing for them, although that very well might be where we are headed.

I guess i'm just swallowing my pride for my children, and my wife knows it.

I definately can do a better job detaching, luckily we have a big house, and I am sleeping in the guest suite in the basement. So i don't need to see her all the time. So i guess I need to see if I can live like this and detach. My definition of detachment is living with her as "neighbors" without feeling any need to know what she is up to, and no need for me to feel hurt when i see her doing things that make me jealous, needy, or angry.

I understand you want to be with your kids. I miss mine to, but for my situation, It's best that I'm not living at home with her.

It's been almost a year and a half and my boys are adjusting pretty well. The good thing is that I have them anytime I want with little to no advanced notice. Ironically, our quality of time together is much improved over when I actually lived at home. I was consumed with my relationship problems when I lived at home and didn't focus on my S7 & S14 as much as I should. You'll find that a cheating W can be very amicable in respects to the kids because they feel guilty for the breakup of the family not to mention their selfishness when it comes to their own time. This can work for your advantage in regards to the kids. There are acceptations, but I believe that to be the case with my waw. I know my S7 dogs her relentlessly about daddy not living at home and I can tell this gets to her.

If you can handle it, I say no problem, but if it starts to cause to much friction between you and the W, it will only hurt the kids to witness it. Just be careful to recognize what's said in your interaction with your W, the kids pick up on it and they are smarter than we give them credit for.

I think there are different schools of thought on detachment and level of involvement because... how one handles it depends on where people are in their relationship, where an affair is, and also what seems to "work" or "not work."

Since you're wife is in the "high" of her affair I think there's probably not anything you can say or do to change that relationship. All you can do is change your relationship with her. Definitely don't follow her around like a puppy!!! My gosh, she needs to see you dressing nice, going out with friends and having a great time. Did your counselor mention being a bit more mysterious, having a positive mental attitude (it may feel fake in the beginning, but practicing it and living it helps make it true... gets those positive neural pathways working! ).

Because you do live together you will come in contact with her so she'll see any changes and you can physically detach a bit (have more of your own life at times). When you do come into contact with her, be pleasant and friendly, but then go your own way at times.

By the way, does anyone know about your wife's affair? Family members, friends, co-workers???

I do think the kids feel more security having both parents in the house with them.

So when does your wife see OM? Maybe that would be a good time to do fun and special things with the kids... activities she may regret not being part of.