Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Male stripper

Agreed. We should have that conversation. My only questions now is whether I should tell her I saw the pics or not. If not, she will simply say I dont beleive her. If I tell her I saw them, then I put her in a defensive posture and now she distrusts me.

How "you" feel she would feel about it and how she would feel about it are two different things. You mentioned you stewed about it when you found out. Obviously she picked up on your tone and demeanor and went into damage control. Can you blame her?

Can it be that you have your wife on a pedestal (motherly) and are threatened by another side of her that you are not quite prepared to deal with?

Ummm I'll just tell you about our sitch and see what you think. When H asked me about the A, he knew things he couldn't have known on his own. Not sure what your views are on God, but I believe God shared things with him, things he could NOT have known otherwise. So when he came out with those things, I lost it and shared it all. Answered his questions.

One of the things he said was he wants us to be honest and another thing he said was "keep in mind, if I'm asking you a question, I generally already know the answer and am just seeing if you'll be honest with me"

THAT last one - is what got me to really keep everything on the table with us.

He had already gone through my suitcase, already seen evidence of the A - but I did deny it for two days.....mostly because I didn't want to hurt him and I really wanted to pretend it never happened. I felt horribly about all of it and didn't want to keep reliving it KWIM?

SA,

I think you are correct. that is an excellent perception on your part. I absolutely do put her on a pedastal. She is an incredible woman, wife and mother and shows her love to me at all times. She is completely none judgmental of me and I thought that what she did was totally out of her character. And told her so. Yet she said it is not and that she had done it before when she was younger. She also said that she would NEVER even think of cheating on me no. That she didnt even cheat on her ex and she hated him.

Thanks so much. Your word actually help me feel some relief. Now to get the thought out of my head.

Where do I find the "thought stopping techniques"? i lent my books to a neighbor who has yet to return them.

I will paraphrase for you.

Bad thought- picture stop sign until thought is gone

or

Bad thought- Snap wrist with rubber band on wrist till thought goes away.

It works for me, usually

Here's another thing you need to keep in mind.

Women and men are biologically wired to this stuff very differently. Being visual, men are more likely to feel "turned on" visually by a stripper than a woman. For a women, it's not so much a sexual feeling as a "goofing-off-with-the-girls" thing. For most women there needs to be at least a bit of emotional element present before any true desire and feeling start up.

That's the reason you don't hear about too many women addicted to porn, female strip clubs with male strippers, or male prostitudes. It's just not the same....

I can almost guarentee you that anything your wife did on film or in photos was probably done from humor and the group mentality of a bunch of women who like to "think" they can be like men at a strip club. It's not that we don't enjoy looking at guys or their bodies, but we're generally much more turned on by someone special in our lives... and actually their interest in ONLY us. Unless your wife is texting this guy and sneaking off to meet him I doubt there was ANY desire whatsoever.

Runningoutoftime

Thank you SO much for that perspective. I completely agree with you and my wife has said exactly that on many different occassions even before this incident.

She says when we men see a beautiful woman, we think of having sex with them. When they see an attractive man, they dont think about his package and wanting to have sex with him. At least most men. We have actually had this discussion amongst friends and virtually all the women said the same thing.

That being said, why hide the pics. Why not just explain to me what happened and review the pics with me to have a few laughs together. It may have been tough for me, but it would have been better than feeling my wife, whom until now I trusted without question, was purposely being deceitful.

Your words have REALLY help me tonight as my lack of sleep is making we completely wackey. My head is spinning all over and all I want is to curl up with my wife and sleep for two days.

I love her to death and I am certain she loves me the same. We are truly soulmates and I would hate for this hurtful feeling to continue to linger on my part. Yet I do want to be assured that she will always be completely honest with me.

Thanks again.

BTW, all the women said he was gay afterward anyhow. My wife and one of our friends have uncanny Gaydar. I will continue to hold on the that thought

I don't think it's a matter of not being honest.... my guess is because of your past and your sensitivity, she doesn't want you to blow this up into something completely out of porportion (like you're doing!).

Another thing... I've learned that no one wants to have something completely meaningless, and totally exaggerated held over their head. I never understood this until I experienced it myself. I don't think that's a matter of deceit, but trying to keep something totally unimportant and meaningless from becoming a ridiculously blown up problem.... something that never should have gotten there, something that has no merit...

Now if it were a money issue, like her hiding money, or having a daily lunch date alone with some guy at work... well that would be something else... But a bunch of women watching a stripper!!! Well, I'd rate that at about the same emotional level of Bunko!!!!!

You could not be more correct ROT!

My wife and I have had several discussions about the issue and she has said the same thing repeatedly. In fact, I explained to her that I what you said and she laughed.

I ruly trust my wife yet harbor these insecure feelings, I suspect from my past. Although, in my world I suspect any red blodded male would have been upset with the picks that I saw. But maybe I am wrong.

My W understands why I was upset and clearly does not want me to feel that way.

I REALLY appreciate your comments because they help me validate what my wife was telling me. Sometimes it helps to hear it from a third party.

As a side note, my W and I realized that since it has been such a busy stressful year that we needed a adult vacation. You see, we have 6 kids and she just finished school to become a nurse this past year. I have a very high stress occupation as well so we decided it was time to take a nice vacation.

Thanks again for your support. Youy not only helped me get through this issue, but you ehlped me understand my wifes mindset. You were right on the money.

I wish you the best in your situation.