Hey I just realized my last thread locked up. Didn't even realize it. So that on spanned a very long time.
Today was an interesting day for us. Interesting things going on in our lives. Stressful but interesting and good.
I didn't get any sleep last night. On Wednesdays I have to deal with a situation that stresses me out a bit. Although I think I deal with it very well I'm not sure that I do. My W told me today that it is every Wednesday that I do not sleep.
Now the funny thing is that I went to bed thinking I was angry at her. But maybe I'm just on edge from other things and maybe something small and meaningless that she does is misinterpreted by me and I get angry for no reason. Don't know but the evidence seems to point to this.
Yesterday she was concerned that the car was having problems. We had heard a thump the other day that sounded like the transmission having troubles. I needed to take the truck for a business trip and thought she was just using it as an excuse for us not to go because it was something she didn't want to do but I thought was very important to get done immediately. Today we were driving and I heard the same thump and realized it was just something in the bed sliding around. I then realized that she had had legitimate concerns about it breaking down. Finances are tight at the moment, very tight but won't be for long. she was extremely concerned that we would break down and not have the $$ to fix it. I felt a little stupid.
She didn't know I had been angry at her and now I'm very relieved I did nothing to let her know, because I was going to. Close call.
But I've got to say she did nothing but take care of me when I was in an angry state. She cooked dinner last night and breakfast this morning. That is extremely unusual. I do ALL of the cooking.
So today we went looking at houses after we finished our business trip. GAWD I wanted to grab her in my arms. But I was just so exhausted that I didn't.
So I don't know. sometimes I get so frustrated in thinking we are stagnant and other times I think it will be very soon.
I've finally really figured out completely what it means to want but not need. I get that now.
As has been the case in the past for me the start of a new thread has always meant a step forward for us. Let's all hope this one is a big step forward.
Good to see you again posting and demonstrating your ability to analyze your situation - realise what works, what doesn't, etc... Awesome to see you hanging in there.
It is interesting how either old patterns/behaviours and sometimes the clash of new behaviours influence our days. I can share a similar story with me and AWAW from a couple weeks ago. We were in a bit of a rut - the stresses of "life" consuming us. I felt like I was running ragged trying to complete all the household tasks we need to get done - on top of that she had the flu as well as our S4 having it too. On a Sunday I was doing my best to do it all and that day she had a simple request of me to take S4 to the Dr. to which I told her I would. But, I chose to do it after I finished one other thing. As I was finishing that other thing, she confronted me and since I was already stressed, I blew a gasket - I know - not very Sven-like. A shouting match turned into her taking S4 to the Dr. and her resenting me (and me her) for about a day and a half. (S4 is fine, he had the flu, needed to take its course).
Simple truth - if you read FMO (which I think you did), the sound in the truck was much like my S4's illness. It was a "pop up" window that needed resolution. These can be a simple distraction for us dumb arse guys, but they need immediate reassurance and remedy (if possible) for our W's. Soooo, you did the right thing by keeping a lid on it - and me, well, I learned a lesson. Next time, drop the paint brush and take the kid to the doc.
So, to me that was a step forward, for you.
Anyway, good stuff. Spring is here (although raining today in New England)....let's rock.
Be well Xue!
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Awesome. Yes I downloaded FMO to my INNO. It was quite enlightening in the pop up respect. And your story cements it in for me considerably. Very helpful, thank you.
As a matter of fact I see a lot of things through it. In general I'm quite the optimist and I relish solving problems (this one has certainly put me to task more than any other though). Well up until recent times My Wife was an extreme pessimist. Strangely that's what attracted me to her. Long black hair, always dressed in black, and a very dark sense of humor. It appealed to me. Yes I was a Vonnegut fan big time, so it goes) Even now describing it is a turn on.
But that dark sided had, well, a dark side. As all pessimists do, she called herself a realist. And that pissed me off.
She's way beyond that now (on the surface) but inside it's probably still writhing and eating at her.
So our early troubles basically went like this. I'd come up with a brilliant idea (which I did nearly every day, I've got business concept ideas like little boxes sitting on the shelf waiting to be opened) and then she'd shoot it down. Every day. So I grew to hate the thing that attracted me in the first place.
Now mind you this evolved during a very scary point in our lives. We were literally constantly watching over our shoulder 24/7. There were some really bad people that wanted us gone. The easiest way to describe it was like leaving a combination mafia/ cult.
Now that I understand the pop up model I understand just a little better what was going on in her head. I've learned how strong she is by living through that but getting a better understanding of how her mind works now I know she is even far stronger than I ever imagined.
I also realize how much I probably underestimate her concerns which leads to a lack of validation when I need to validate. I.E. I am not as good at listening and validating as I thought I was. Makes me a little sad to think that.
I have a training partner who's an extremely overwhelming person. His mouth moves as fast as his hands. You can't get a word in edgewise with him. He's so into his own thoughts that he doesn't hear anything unless he wants to. Actually you can tell he hears it but shrugs it off. You can only tell this because he'll pick up on some things and then go off on a tangent on that point. I mostly laugh about it. Doesn't bother me mostly. But then I'm thinking, what if that's how I'm perceived by her. I can certainly understand how this would not be good. It would make her feel small and unloved. Ughh that's a terrible thought.
So I just got a call. I think we just won the parent leadership award for our community. (funny cause we don't have kids of our own). I swear she looked like she wanted to hug and kiss me but gave me a high five instead.
1. I've been watching for a long time now as W is transforming into a feminine woman. A bit girly kinda. She's never been this way before. She's never wore makeup except on special occassions. She's always wore black. Never anything colorful. And she's always had guy friends, never girl friends. So quite some time ago she ordered that makeup that is always advertised on TV. She got the wrong shade the first time but I encouraged her to get the right one. I always complimented her and told her how beautiful she was when she wore it but made it clear she was beautiful no matter what. Then she started hanging out with the wife of one of her guy friends who is also her hair dresser. They spent a weekend in NAPA together and are planning another weekend in Santa Cruz. This woman is really a girly girl. Very feminine. Wonderful mother. Beautiful and always dressed like a girl. She's quite an astonishing woman. Well she's been rubbing off considerable. My wife is wearing colorful clothing and came back from the salon with a pink streak in her hair. I have complimented her a great deal and actually I do love it. She is wearing things she wouldn't be caught dead in before and it works for her. So her birthday is coming up and I am thinking it might be a good idea to buy her something that I never would have in the past. Maybe a nice necklace or something. She's never really wore jewelry in the past but with the recent changes it might be a great idea.
My W sounds like yours, minus the black. Sounds like good things are happening with new friend. Maybe she has finally found someone that she feels can lead her where she wanted to be. More femine is good.
more feminine is definitely good. I want to accelerate that process.
Yeah I know your wife has always sounded a lot like mine.
I think I really do understand a lot. But I don't understand why she is not in my bed making wild passionate love to me. Everything tells me she should be, but she's not. ????
Just as we all have our inner child so does she. Her actions show that her inner child is insecure. Afraid. Fear translates easily into anger and/or standoffishness. A lot of angry people are simply afraid of something deep inside. Her little girl is learning to be a "real" woman now, not the hardened shell she's been carrying around all this time. She's afraid of you hurting her by looking down on being feminine. She's afraid of other women pointing out her deficiencies. By being a "tom-boy" she's had an excuse ("See, I act like a guy so I don't get compared to you.") and now she's dipping her toe in the water.
Women's social actions are more complex than men's and they're always under the microscope ("Oh, did you see what she was wearing?...Oh, see that little tummy, I bet she's put on weight. Oh, she's got a lot of fat on her thighs. Look at the way she eats, what a slob"). Where men compete on a more physical plane, women compete socially and the battles can be merciless. Women are much crueller mentally than men by nature and social training at a very young age (you're part of the group/you're not part of the group), it's part of the psyche. Whereas men can conceivably go it alone, women need the support of a group, it's part of their nurturing environment (nesting) needs.
Now she's starting something that many females go through in their pre-teens/teens. Her insecurity will cause her to pause. Show her strength and compassion. Be the leader, but make sure she's by your side and not behind you or she'll think her changes lessen her.
You're now on a very thin path and it will be easy to make a misstep. Good luck and I keep hoping for that break through moment for you Xue. It will come but you are going to have to keep showing your ungodly patience. I want to be Xue when I grow up!
Where'd you learn that stuff. That puts things in an entirely new perspective and makes perfect sense.
This whole process of becoming feminine started and progressed extremely slowly. Bought makeup through an infomercial. When she gave it away to her friend and her friend (who is a cosmetologist) said she got more compliments on her makeup than any other makeup, she bought more for herself.
About a month ago I went to pick her up after she had spent the weekend with her friend. She was wearing this very colorful top and I was a bit shocked for it. I repeatedly told her how beautiful she was in it. Turns out she had spilled wine on her own top and had borrowed it from her friend. A few weeks later I find her trying on something very colorful and way outside of her normal dress. I immediately poured on the compliments lavishly. She has dressed that way several times since then.
Your probably right most women go through this at an early age. Maybe it is helpful that we have an 18 year old we take care of now.
Funny thing is, and thinking like a man, my wife has the body that other women always say wow wish I was that thin. I hear it all the time. But I guess that doesn't matter if what she is feeling inside is fear and insecurity.
I've also noticed something else. Whereas many months ago her entire focus was about becoming some powerful business woman who needed nobody, now she seems to be slowly sliding into the role of supporting me and allowing me to be the decision maker. Months ago she was starting her own real estate investing business. Now it is ours and she is relying on my knowledge rather than insisting she do it all herself.
She defends me with extreme vigor. Last night at dinner she let me know how badly she wanted to go let a couple of guys have it who she felt were being disrespectful to me. I know that sounds pretty funny huh. But don't think of it in the sense of a woman physically defending her man. I am a pretty high ranking black belt and they are black belts on her level. She knows my hands are tied and I would look like a terrible bully if I did anything at all to them. But she could do it. Not that either she or I would do a thing at all. Just her frustrations coming through and her voicing them privately to me. But I was amazed to hear the defensive instinct come out. Not sure how to process it. Who is she being at that moment? Does it matter?
Yes, I definetely see the vulnerability in her, the little girl. Her trying to figure out who she is. I do see her on shaky and uncertain ground. And I now more than ever see how my support lifts her up and guides her on hte right track, the track of becoming a woman.
She has tried on a lot of personas over the last couple years. I hope this one sticks.
