Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Wise DB'ers please help!

WOW!!! Tyler, do have any idea of how INCREDIBLY lucky you are that she is not only making pretty much all the moves towards getting back together but she is also willing to go for C - that is HUGE!!!!!

You tell her she is the most beautiful woman in the world and her eyes well up with tears - do you have any idea of the emotion you hit inside of her? Man you have it ALL !!! Stop being selfish and thinking about yourself here. You are working towards getting back what you, for whatever reasons, lost and you are sad???

She asked if you wanted to get lunch, she asked if you wanted to come in and watch a movie, she asked if you wanted to go to a jazz club tonight - do you know how long a lot of the posters on this board have been waiting for even ONE of those things to happen? Stop wallowing in your own self pity and rejoice in what you have right in front of you before you lose the whole bloody thing all over again.

I’m not trying to show pity on myself in fact I hesitate to even post here with good news, but I want to show that so far DB’ing does work. I know there are a lot, A LOT, of people here that would love that kind of response. I guess things have been bad for a long time, when something good like this happens I’m just waiting for something bad. I really wish everyone as much luck and faith as I have had in the past week. Here is the latest…

I picked her up again last night, I guess it wasn’t a jazz club, but a poetry slam (I had no idea what that even meant). We went and had a couple drinks and eat. She has always been a very good poet, and I kept telling her that she should do it. I told her that she should not be scared at all, her stuff is way better than anyone else’s and she has nothing to worry about. After some more encouragement, she decided to do it. I told her that I would cheer for her no matter what. So she got up there and read, everyone thought it was really good, in fact she got second place. I told her she sounded amazing and we should do this every Sunday. She agreed and thanked me for being her cheering section, in fact she said she wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t there. I told her that I loved her very much, no matter what. After a little bit longer she started to initiate contact, put her head on my shoulder, kissed me on the cheek and put her arm through mine. She even brought up C and how she thought it would be a good idea to start with some structure! I think she was waiting for me to say that I had better go, because she asked if I was tired. I told her that I was having one of the best weekends, and I am in no hurry to end it. So after awhile we left, she was still ecstatic. She grabbed my hand as we walked, and held on tight. I opened the car door for her, which I never do, and she gave me a big hug and told me that she wouldn’t have wanted to do this with anyone else and it meant a lot to her that I would go to something like this. On the way back to her place, she called her mom to tell her about 2nd place. Her mom must have asked who she went with, cause she then grabbed my hand and blushfully told her mom. I could tell her mom was excited too. She told me that her mom was asking 101 questions so she has to call her tomorrow with the scoop. When she got off the phone she told me that she loved me so much, and she wanted to work through this. She couldn’t imagine life without me. I can’t remember the last time she said something like that, so I told her it meant a lot to me should would share those feelings with me. When I walked her to her door, I grabbed her and told her that there was no place I would rather be, and she looked so pretty under the bright moon. She gave me the longest and most passionate kiss ever, and even called to make sure that I got home ok.

Needless to say, I’m so happy right now, but still walking on eggshells because I feel like it might not last. I sent her flowers today, with a card saying that I had a wonderful weekend with her and that I love her. I’m still taking things slow and letting her dictate the next move, but also making sure that she knows how important she is too me. Wish me continued luck with this new progress! I will keep you updated, I really just hope it lasts.

You are definitely on the right track - keep it up!!

Sounds like you are getting all the right responses from her - right? So, just be consistent and take it one day at a time. This mess didn't happen overnight and you can't fix it overnight either. The BEST part is that she still loves you, she is willing to work on things, she is willing to go for C with you, she wants this to work - I could go on but there are A LOT of positives in your sitch

Don't feel bad posting about good things. This is what we ALL need to hear. It is posters like you that give us the strength to keep trying. We need the encouragement to know we are on the right track and there are the miracles that happen - we need to hear those things.

I am soooooooooooooooo pleased for you, this is wonderful. Ahhhh young love.

I think her going back to work has probably helped her a lot too but just you being there for her obviously means a lot to her - think of what she said (she's wouldn't have wanted to share it with anyone else) - that's TREMENDOUS!!!!

Keep up the GREAT work and keep us posted

p.s. the flowers and the simple message were perfect (I am sure you will get a positive response)

I will definitely keep you posted, I am still crossing my fingers though. I re-read the chapter about positive responses (can’t remember the exact name) in DB last night and it gave me some good insight. Last night she called and told me that she wasn’t feeling well, in fact she went to the Dr and was put on medicine for a sinus infections. She then told me that the flowers made her apartment smell beautiful and they made her day. She now lives in somewhat of a shady neighborhood without a car and has to take the subway to work (airport because she is a flight attendant), and this month she is on call. So last night I told her that if she gets called in really early to call me and I will give her a ride. She had told me before that she didn’t feel that safe riding the train in the morning, in fact she said she almost called me while we were separated because she was scared. Well she didn’t call me last night or this morning, so I’m not even sure if she is working. But I looked at my list of goals and #1 and #2 were both knocked out this past weekend, so I really should be complaining its not going at the speed I would like, but we are communicating more then we did a week ago. I just hope it doesn’t start to backslide.

Anyway, I forgot to mention this. Our anniversary is on Saturday, which is also Cinco De Mio. I asked her on Sunday if she would like to have dinner, but she said she had already made plans to go to a girlfriends party (somewhat invited me, but not a definite invite), but would like to do something during the day. To be honest I’m a little bit hurt, but I know she could have made those plans before we even began talking again, so I brushed it off. So my question is, should I get her anything for it? I already got her flowers, and wouldn’t be opposed to more, but I want her to know I really took the time to find/make her something she will appreciate, but not push her too much. Any suggestions? Maybe a nice letter with some nice memories? Or maybe a nice collection of poetry books, since that is going to be our new Sunday evening. Perhaps I will get her some nice books, and a nice journal type thing for her to write them in, and I will write a little something sweet in the beginning of it? What do you think?

I like the idea of the poetry books - since that is something she is into and very personal to her heart. It would show that you appreciate her for who she is

Don't fret over the birthday party. If you get invited to go along, go. If not, and she has asked to spend the day with you - take her up on that. Yes, she could have VERY easily made the date before hand - so could you have made plans. At least she is telling you about it.

Don't push it too hard, you can't have everything back all at once and its probably best that you don't. Take it easy and enjoy what you have. You are well ahead of lots of here that have been working for months/years so enjoy it

And do keep us posted - we love to hear success stories

Thanks for the great advice, but I need MORE! Haha, I really do appreciate it though.

This is what I got for her to give to her on Saturday, tell me what you think. I got a poetry book of this guy who hosted the slam we went to on Sunday night. Which I think she would really like because as we walked by this used bookstore, right after the slam, it was in the window and she got excited because we just saw him. First off, I know nothing about poetry, but I Googled it, and I got a suggestion for this other book so I picked that up as well, supposed to be good, but who knows. Then as an impulse I got a book with a bunch of Delacroix paints in it. When we were at lunch on Saturday, she had asked if I had ever seen any of his work, and of course I hadn’t, but one of her favorites is by him (She is a very amazing painter as well). So hopefully it’s in there. By buying that I hope it shows to her that I was listening, even though it was just a passing conversation. I also picked up a hardcover notebook thing for her to put all of her poems in. I noticed that her poems were all over the place, so hopefully she can use this to organize it. I plan on getting a bow, and tying all of them together, maybe with a flower wrapped in it. I was also thinking about getting her another canvas for painting. When I was over at her place, she showed me her new painting that she used my canvas for, it was amazing, and she thanked me for it since they are somewhat expensive. Is that too much?

Finally, I was thinking about writing a little something in the beginning of that notebook, but I’m terrible at it. I was thinking either of just writing down some things that I love about her, and exactly how much she means to me. Or, I guess ironically enough, our ‘song’ is Jack Johnson’s “Better Together”, not sure if you have ever heard it but I guess it fits our situation now even though we first heard it a long time ago together. I was thinking about writing that in the cover, but I don’t want to overbear her too much, but it fits exactly how I’m feeling now. What do you think I should write in it, or anything at all?

Again, thanks for all of your help, its really help guide me during this.

Ohhhhhhh Tyler....

I didn't do that part of the book. What I *can* tell you is piecing is a very looong process. H recommitted last September. It's now 8 months later, and if I had to rate my trust and satisfaction w/the M, it would be maybe a 7. I don't know your sitch....my H didn't cheat, but he was "in love" with a coworker and writing letters (never sent) to her. I STILL don't trust it. I don't trust HER, because I don't believe she didn't know.

I guess my basic criteria is, Is progress being made? If so, I'm okay. Is he trying? He'll screw up...but is the general direction forward?

This thing requires patience out the wing wang. Let me know if I can help.

SD

Tyler .... slow down honeybun, you are going waaaaaaaaaaaay too fast here. Yes, the books you got her were lovely, however a little overboard on the amount of them. Too many books shows the "needy" part and it truly takes away the specialness of getting a book you really want. Perhaps you could choose one or two and just give her those for the time being. A flower attached would be a nice touch.

If her birthday or some other occasion is coming up, you can give her the others ones, or just say (in a week or two) "oh, I saw this in the bookstore the other day and picked it up for you because I thought you would like it" - kind of thing.

And forget the canvas - we are going way past the point of ridiculous now

Haha, actually after I wrote that last night, I thought to myself, 'Overboard! What the h*ll am I doing?'. So I don't think she is getting all of that, or a cavas at this point.

Last night we had another little baby step though. She was working and had a very long day, 12+hrs. She called me and said that she didn't feel well and needed to hear my voice. She then complained about her day and told me how she didn't feel well. I told her just to get into bed, order room service and try to get some sleep, but to call if she needs anything else. After she ate dinner she called me again! Told me that she was sorry for venting to me and asked how my day was (its been awhile since she has done that). I told her and also said not to worry about complaining, sometimes that makes you feel better, plus I do it all the time. She then said 'Ok babe, thank you. I love you and I will call you tomorrow'!! I couldn't believe it. So needless to say I slept very well, couldn't remember the last time I had a good nights sleep. Thanks everyone for your support!

Ok, I’m kind of struggling today, nothing major happened just was thinking last night, and hoping you could shed some light. Anyway, she said she would call, in fact she told me she loved me on Wed night, it was on a complete high when I went to bed and most of the day yesterday. But when she didn’t call or anything yesterday (I text messaged her telling her that I hope she got some sleep and feeling a little better. Also that I would be more than willing to pick her up at the airport, it will make her long trip end on a good note. That was in the morning), I was hurt again. Two steps forward one step back, I had that dance.

Anyway, I was thinking this through last night. Say we do get back together and are extremely happy again. If we did separate again, is the second time any easier than the first? I had never really thought too much about it, I was always on the mentality that if we do get back together, that will be it. How did you handle the feelings of maybe just letting this one go and try for another? I get that once in awhile when I have a setback, but then when I look at how much we loved each other just a short time ago I’m convinced that I need to hang in there.