Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy My wife is falling in love with OM - help.

Has anyone met with a family counselor to talk to their children about the changes happening in their families?

My kids just asked why I sleep in the basement and mommy sleeps in the big bed.. I feel empty, i can't protect my children from this.

My wife is out on a date, and i'm at home trying to explain to my kids that "sometimes moms and dads need to sleep in seperate beds so they can think, and be alone.".

All this BS about how you should remain a team for the kids just lets her do whatever she wants without the guilt. The other night she told me "she was a good person, and wasn't doing anything wrong". I guess since she told me she wanted to seperate a few days before starting dating the OM she covered the bases.


Anyways, i can't protect my kids from what is about to happen, but i want to do anything I can to help them not get scarred from all of this crazyness. So anyone know how family counseling work?

Its been a while since i posted an update, and a lot has happened.

Last week, my wife was in a bad mood and when i asked her if everything was okay she let me know what was bothering her. She said she was frustrated, and that she didn't feel like she had the power to do anything about our situation. And that she didn't control the money.

I told her i guess i can understand, but its not like she doesn't have full access to all the accounts.

Either way, i realized it wasn't about that very soon, as she got mad at me.. She told me she hated me, and totally broke down into a rage, she said "your so f**** perfect right now. Its like you are running around trying to get everyone on your side, you have to be the good guy. I hate you." I didn't get defensive, I just said "i'm sorry that you feel that way, and that you think thats what i'm doing". I also added, my behavior isn't about you right now, what i'm doing is for me.

I don't know how to explain how much that hurt to hear. All this time I have stood by as she told me she didn't love me in that way anymore, that she wanted out, that i would have to see my kids only part time, that she had strong feelings for someone else, hearing that she felt safe with him, and that she was happy with him. All i have done is try to love her. I have tried to understand her feelings, and love her.

Anyways, i figured out what was bothering her that day. Apparently when she used to confide in her friends and family about our relationship in the past she was "unhappy" and everyone supported her as I was the "unattentive husband". They all understood and let her know that "its hard to not have those feelings for your husband".

But now that she is opening up to people that she is in a new relationship, she is getting the opposite reaction. People are telling her she is making a big mistake, that she needs to work on her relationship, that she is handling this very badly right now. They tell her that this guy is no good, that he obviously is not a good guy or he wouldn't do this to someones family. One of her aunts even let her know that she thinks he is evil and he is after her money.

Now all these people did the same thing in the past, most of the women in her family have had affairs and left their husbands (i know I should have taken that as a red flag, but I loved her - not her family). Anyways, she is angry that when they did it, she supported them, but now that she is doing it no one is supporting her.

BOO HOO...

I think she is realizing that the fantasy life she has in her mind isn't going to play out as smoothly as she thought. No one is accepting of her new man, becuase no matter how she frames it, its an affair, its disrepctful of her kids. She can no longer sell the fact that we are breaking up for any other reasons. Even though I know the affair didn't cause the breakup of the marriage, the affair is stopping her from being able to try to fix the marriage.

So she is frustrated.. She wants to start her new fantasy life, and she is realizing that its not that easy. She wants to seperate, but she doesn't want to move into an apartment. She wants to buy a new place. -- Well i talked to my lawyer, and she said that you shouldn't do that right now as it complicates things greatly, and that I would own half of it. So in her mind she wants to start her new life in a new house of her own, with her furniture, and the freedom to be happy and open with her new relationship. And unfortunately it can't happen that way.


Anyways.. You would think that this would make me angry, but instead it kind of has freed me. In some strange way, it has made it easier to unconditionally love her. I don't feel like she controls me anymore. I'm not scared of whatever she does, if we seperate I know I can handle it. I love her, i would love to work on us, but i know that if she isn't willing that I can be okay.




Funny thing is with this attitude, I have been able to better realize the things she needs.

Ok I need some help.

My wife is coming home tonight after 4 days away seeing friends & family in another city.

I am really nervous about how to act when she comes home. Should I ask her questions about her trip? Should i sit back and wait until she offers up information?

Hi nextsteps_4us,

It sounds like you are handling things a lot better, good for you.

It also sounds like your W is extremely confused, good for you also

Keep being the "perfect" person you are, it seems to be getting to your W.

When she gets home, I don't see anything wrong with asking how her family and friends are, then if she want's to continue in depth, let her, if not at least you asked.

I'm not sure she is extremely confused. Everything she says indicates she is ready for D. However i know to not believe anything she says, and only 1/2 of what she does.

I will probably do as you suggest, but one of our big problems is that I never listened to her. (i'm not a good listener period). I have been working on that like crazy though. So i'll just take her lead, and ask expanding/clarifying questions, and look in her eyes the whole time.

I can't believe how nervous I am to see her tonight. Its crazy, i need to calm down. It feels like i'm on the damn rollercoaster again. Part of it is, I miss her (which scares me since she wants us to live in seperate houses). And another part is just nervous about what new twists in the 'story of us' i'm going to learn about tonight.

I remember when we we're dating, she met me at the airport (back when you could get to the gates without a ticket) and when i got off the plane, there she was wearing a long overcoat and some sexy boots. That is a night i will never forget. I'm sure our cab driver hasn't forgot it either.

Now she drives herself to the airport, and i'm sitting here in a ball of nervous energy waiting for her to walk through the door.

I think i'm going to pour myself a glass of wine.

Ok. so my wife got home. And after the kids got to bed, we sat around and talked about her trip over a bottle of wine.

Lots of laughing, good natured conversation and discussion about art, life, friendship, her business, food, etc.

I take that as a positive, however no less than 4 times when the conversation came to discussion about a future event, she was clear that I was not included. Example: some friends coming to visit, but she didn't want them to come until.. (where until means we live seperately). Hiring a new employee, but she didn't want to until she figured out where her studio is going to be... Comparing a friends approach to dating to her own -- 'When shes done with a relationship she is very matter of fact, sort of like someone else I know' (referring to herself).

Anytime she would do this I would simply not respond. And very quickly she would keep the conversation going in another direction. I don't know if i'm handling it correctly, part of me feels good we are connecting, the other feels like i'm being walked all over.

The conversation makes me feel like we are closer than we have been in a long time. But the future statements that are sure not to include me are really frustrating.

I think i have clear boundaries of what is okay to talk about and what is not. I also feel like happy, cordial, fun conversation is a positive for our relationship as I can show her my new listening skills, and show her respect for the things she is talented at. All positives. However, i guess i can't expect anything but "i'm sure about moving on" right now. I just hope that she doesn't see us as good friends who have both decided to move on as our relationship didn't work.

She even said she realized that whatever you think about in a relationship can either strengthen or hurt a relationship (meaning she dedicated her energy to OM and not me, and when she did dedicate it to me it was on the negatives).. I said its funny you said that, because i recently read a book that said something similar, and that you would never run a business thinking about another business, and you would never run a business spending only 1 hour a week nurturing it, yet we do that with our relationships. (The book is Emotional Infidelity by Gary Neuman - i didn't tell her the name - its actually a great book about how to have a great marriage, unfortunately i can't apply most of it right now).

Welcome to crazy town. Like she realizes her blame, yet she is unapologetic, and still thinks she and the kids will be happier if she "follows her heart" and goes after this guy.

As long as the OM is in the picture she has no room for me. Maybe she thinks I'll always be here for her, so she might as well have her fun?

Do you think I should change my approach or continue with the current one which is to 'keep the positive memories rolling'. Should i go darker, be less available? I guess i don't think i have enough new good feelings and memories in the bank yet to do that, and if she goes through with seperation i'll have plenty of opportunities for that.

I guess i am realizing that she is going to need to hit rock bottom or question the OM before she will be able to look back at all the changes I have made and realize what she is missing.

oh well. I guess i need to see the positives. I mean I didn't expect her to come through the door and throw her arms around me.. So having a nice night and talking about things other than our relationship for 3.5 hours is good right.

any feedback on my current approach/situation?

Its almost like the only way she can justify what she
is doing is if she has no romantic feelings for me. I
worry that she will never be able to feel that way for
me again.

NS4U,

Mate, it is sounding more and more positive from an outsider looking in.

I wouldn't worry too much about what she is saying in regards to her future without you.

There is no reason your W cannot get those feelings back. If someone were to ask her if she would be feeling this way about you a few years ago, when she was in love with you, she would have said "You're Crazy".

From all the sitches I have read, all the success stories etc, I see the same patterns re lost love and feelings. The common theme for many of these is that the S eventually gets those feelings back (sometimes it may be too late but often it isn't).

It all depends on how you handle things. Keep being your "perfect" self in her eyes and others, and she will realise the mistake she has made, and those feelings and love will come back.

I have had friends (and friends of friends) that have gone through the same things you and I are going through. Nearly all of them are more in love now than ever before. The only ones that are not together are the left behind spouses that have moved on and cannot forgive (and in many cases, the WAS has tried to reconcile!!).

So keep on keeping on.
All the best bud,
Andyv

Thank you. It feels so good to read your post. I'm not going soft though. I realize this is just the beginning. And more than likely there is a long hard ride in store for me.

I went to the gym today, had one of those gym days that just feel good. No lack for energy, and really hit it hard.

Then I met with a new attorney today. Once i learned who my wife was consulting with, i realized i was out-gunned. Well, my new attorney is the head of the family law division for one of the largest law firms in the city. She knew immediately the lawyer my wife is seeing. Been trying cases against eachother for the last 25 years. Apparently they are the two baddest bitches in the business. It looks like at the very least i am in for a crazy legal show. She was matter of fact, asked all the right questions, and recommended a really good family therapist.

My new lawyer was really nice.. She made it clear that i should continue keeping it low key, stay away from relationship talks, avoid decisions, etc... She recommended slowing things down and maybe it would give my wife the time she needs to realize the grass isn't always greener. I wanted to tell her I've heard all this advice before from some good friends online.

She also said i have a good case for joint custody (I have been very involved in my kids lives since birth, and am the one who gets them ready every morning for school, makes their lunches, and picks them up 2/3 days out of five.) Money wize i don't really care, but i trust her to protect me if it comes to that. But honestly i know i'm going to win my wife back, so its not coming to that.

I also found the time to buy some new clothes today, went to a really nice place in the city across from the law office and got a few items. It felt good to try on things and just have the stuff fit. Felt like i was 20 again, and i could pull something off the rack and it fit like a glove. Its amazing what losing 20lbs will do for you.

Anyways. As you probably can tell I feel good today, and I'm going to keep at it. I have new business ideas flooding my head, and instead of just thinking about them, i'm going to just start doing them.

Anyways, thanks for you guys support. It means a lot to know other people are out there thinking about my family and helping me get through this. I hope i can be as much help to someone else here one day. I'm keeping you guys in my thoughts.

NS4U,

Keep up that confidence. It is only a matter of time and you have all the time in the world.

Do try to slow things down with your W if you can.

I had a good talk to mine, and mentioned how I am exhausted by our whole sitch, with rushing to get the house ready to sell, pestering her for a divorce date (from me losing patience), talking about dividing furniture, custody etc etc etc.

We had a good talk on Sunday, and we both agreed that we would not discuss any of that (divorce, selling the house etc) until we have the divorce papers in front of us (she has not been pro-active in getting this done herself).

I wanted her to know that I understand that she is under a enormous amount of stress (as I am) and I just want us to be happy for our DD's sake (as we have noticed some changes in her personality).

I told her that we should be more kind and considerate to each other and that I respected her decision to separate, and I would not mis-interpret anything she did or said (acts of kindness/consideration).

She agreed.

The last few days have been great, she has been happier than the previous few months, she has not snapped at silly things, and she is more loving towards DD. I think the pressure on her has eased, and I hope that this may be a turning point for her.

Early days, but pretty nice baby steps.