Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Pass card from past OW to WAS who went home?

I don't normally choose friends like this.

But it was one of those unique situations where we were introduced at work because we both happened to be going through the exact same situation. Both of us had just had the divorce bomb dropped on us that same month and we were completely devistated. We also learned that we lived only a block away from each other.... so, during an extremely difficult time we became very close friends and spent a lot of time together. We supported each other, met other friends in separation and divorce and GALed together... I'd try to convince her to DB and take the time to heal and wait until the divorce was final before she dated, but she just seemed to be drowning and latched onto numerous men.

I don't think she's necessarily a bad person, just extremely weak and needy, and I think her husband's MLC threw her into her own MLC. Fortunately she's no longer sleeping with every guy she meets (she finally got over that!).

But you are right about the different moral values. Even though I love meeting people and am extremely friendly (all my friends used me as "bait" to meet guys!), I have very firm boundries and believe that a marriage isn't over until it's finalized, but I've discovered that doesn't seem to be the norm...

I do have plenty of friends with great moral values, and I am spending more and more time with them now that I'm a "married woman" again, but it seems like during the divorce I spent a great deal of time with a small group of friends who are going through the crazyness of divorce and their morals have definitely been challenged. It was a real eye-opener for me to listen and observe the whole thing.

So.... with this card... should I shred it, or ignore my friend and send it back to her?

I wouldn't delibrately cause problems for her in her current situation which might happen if you sent it back...and I wouldn't shred it...but I would meet up with her and say "I have been meaning to return this to you. I don't feel right delivering this to married man...just friends or whatever....to me it isn't right. Also, in the future if you can't use your own address please don't use mine....Sooo, what did you say you were doing this weekend?"

My husband will get home today so I'll explain the situation to him. It will be interesting to hear his solution. My guess is he'll tell me to shred it and tell her not to get me in the middle of anything like that again.

I would meet up with her, but since she lives far away now, I don't see her too often. Chances are this card would get lost in my paper basket in the cupboard and tossed out while I'm cleaning before I see her again in person....

I'm thinking maybe I should just be brave and tell her what I think... that while this guy is with his wife, I can't pass the card to him, and I think she should have nothing to do with him since their relationship crossed the line beyond friendship. She'll probably tell me it's okay now because they are only friends. But I need to point out that's still wrong. Even if the relationship was never more than talking and friendship, it's wrong to do anything that might cause potential problems with his marriage, or make his wife feel uncomfortable or jealous. She wouldn't know how innocent or involved the realtionship was, and putting his wife in that position is wrong. It's kind of mind boggling to me how easily people can do things to others, they would never want done to themselves.

I feel kind of silly agonizing over this dumb card. With so many other problems this seems trivial....

Shred it, and if she ever asks then tell her the truth. Just shrug your shoulders nonchalantly, and say, "oh yeah, I tossed it." What can she say? If this OM is just a friend, then it shouldn't be that important to her. Then, also tell her that you will shred any other mail that she sends that has your address on it. Friends don't put friends in this awkward a situation.

Just MHO.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this... my husband said to toss it in the trash. I liked that idea because I can honestly tell my friend, that it must have gotten tossed in the trash with my junk mail.

I'll also tell her if she needs to send something to someone else it's better she send it to them directly and PLEASE don't put my address on it!!! She can just use her parents or get a PO box...

This is no "friend" who would put you in such an awkward position.

Does she know ANYTHING of your sitch and your DB history?
The HOW DARE SHE?!

I'm glad you didn't forward that card, but I can say I definitely would have put her address on it and mailed it back to her and let the chips fall where they may.

But I'm just mean like that sometimes!


Take care!

Amy

It still sounds like you are affraid of insulting/upsetting your "friend"...as myself and others have stated, you need to wonder if she is truly your friend...or just using your friendship for her own selfish need...

I would tell her that you through the card in the trash because you didn't want any part of her illicit "friendship" and that your H agreed with you...I would not candy-coat it by saying "it must have" gotten thrown out with the junk mail...even if you tell her not to use your address you are still letting her think that what she did was "okay"...

So she went through a divorce...so she slept around a lot...so she is lying to current b/f about her sexual past...she is STILL trying to keep contact with a M man!!!...This tells me that she is not done with her own "journey"....and I wouldn't want to join her on any part of it either...she is bad news

Hi Amy and ImLIN,

You both have a good point. I think my moral compass got a little bent during the divorce. Not with my own behaviors, but what I'd accept in the people I became close with (others in separation and divorce).

Although, on the other hand, I did (and still do) try to give them logical sound advise. And I do harp on them sometimes about the stupid things they're doing. Interestingly this friend called me yesterday and admitted she has a lot of guilt. She said she feels bad about all the guys she slept with this last year and now wishes she had saved herself for this guy she's now dating. So I guess there's some hope for her. She's realizing there's a price you pay.

Fortunately I can't join her too much in her journey because she moved away. We only talk on the phone and get together once every 3-6 months so my contact with her is hugely reduced.

Thinking about it now, maybe I should have sent that card back to her. I could have just ignored what she had said and explained that I didn't feel comfortable about it (the guy is married!!!), and didn't have the time. You girls are right. I shouldn't have agonized or pussyfooted around this whole issue.

Hey RooT,

Long time nor hear from! Can you come on over and read my posts? You have been looking in on me since August! No change. I could really use a woman's perspective. I'm glad you're still piecing. Hope all is well.

FLTC