He is cocky, self-interested, and he is emotionally detached from you to such an extent that he does not even know it would matter if you were no longer in any way in his life.
Let him go AH. He is chasing a fantasy of a better life. Your H sees you as oppressive right now. Step WAY back. Do some GAL activities. Go out for a walk. Grieve all you want but keep moving, one foot in front of the other. I know this might sound mean and crazy, but picture the D he is seeking as a door opening wide for you for your future. Take plenty of space back from H as soon as the D is final. Arrange for transfers of S14 without needing to see your H yourself, for as long as possible. E-mail instead of phone for a while. Go through your L instead of direct contact. Give yourself more space to heal.
PL, I believe you have given me excellent advice here, and I hope I'm able to take it. You don't sound mean at all, but gently realistic. I believe you have my H pegged, too.
Wow, PL's post was excellent. AH, I'm sorry this is happening in your life right now and I'm really sorry you are having such a hard time dealing with it all. I think you and I both are trying to have emotional connections to our H's, like PL said, and they are not interested at all. I see from this post that my H can not understand why I don't "get it." He says he thinks I don't listen to him anymore because I am still trying to be nice. Huh?
I think it is just not in us to give up. I'm not a quitter, I'm a fixer, and you are too.
So, what do we do?
If you figure it out let me know. Bleh!
(((((AH)))))
Sun
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
I missed your posts yesterday. That was a very insightful reply from PL, one that I think many of us can benefit from. I know I can, as much as I don't want to think about how "done" H is.
Are your classes over? I hope you can make the time to do something for yourself today.
Love, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Hi nic, Thanks for posting. I have a busy day today...the best two items on my to-do list are probably taking a walk, and getting S14 registered for his new school. Lots of driving involved.
Journaling:
Well...at the risk of sounding incredibly stubborn (!) I refused to totally believe that my H is the unfeeling, nonhuman he sounded like yesterday. So I prayed in my own fashion, and then I talked to him a minute this morning:
Me: I had one of those gut clenching reactions to something you said yesterday and wondered if I misunderstood you...what did you mean by saying you couldn't pretend to understand how I was feeling?
H: I didn't mean that but I was trying not to assume that I did understand...I didn't want to sound presumptuous...it was meant to be a good thing
Me: I was just shocked...I thought you meant that you couldn't pretend to know why I felt heartbroken (tearing up).
H: No...it was meant to be a good thing...I think I know exactly how you feel but I didn't want you to respond something like oh sure, how could you know that...
Me: (Patting him on the arm, interrupting...)its okay I understand it is just after 20 years of mutual miscommunication I wanted to push on through a little bit more painful conversation to be sure I understand what you were really trying to communicate...drive carefully...
My conclusion (other views are welcome here). He is actually tring to communicate honestly with me and is just plain not so good at it. Neither am I, as revealed by this exchange.
Why is it so important to me to understand exchanges like this? I am teetering back and forth between (a) wanting to take "active" steps to signal that i am keeping the door open, and (b) withdrawing so far back that he might assume the door is closed. I want to act with as much good information and insight as I can. I don't want to assume anything.
I have to do a lot of exra packing this morning if I don't want to drive back and forth to the beach 3 times in 24 hours. Too bad, what I really want to do is sit on the floor and cry. Oh well, I think walking is a better idea, so I'm going to briefly look at the paper and then take a walk.
Thanks to those of you with endless patience who read my posts!
AH- I want you to know that I do read your posts and my heart is with you. I also love the advice that PL gave you yesterday. It was right on target.
We, women especially, tend to think that if we let go "they" will think we are done and therefore the door is no longer open. Nothing could be further from the truth. Unless you come right out and tell him the door is no longer open he won't just assume it necessarily.
you'll have times to communicate that message in subtle ways as you work together about your son. You do need to help yourself move on from this phase.
I understand the divorce is looming and coming up soon. This cannot be your focus AH or you will spend your days in a negative funk. And do you really want your H to be attracted to this "same old, same old"?
You keep opening your own wounds. I know we need to cry and grieve. I won't begin to tell you not to do that. And you certainly have come a long way. But a lot of times I see you saying to your H "and just one more thing". I'm glad you asked about what he meant yesterday. That was calming and peaceful. I do think that analyzing everything is what hurts you so much.
You need to break your own habits and start letting the positives you've been doing be the forefront of your life. That doesn't mean you have to let go of H by being positive. A positive, secure in herself woman is very attractive. In fact, this kind of person is much more attractive than the critical, self-analyzing, depressed female.
There is life out there without H. And as you find it there is just the chance that he may sit up and take notice. But you don't GAL for that reason, which you well know. You GAL for YOU and you will be so much happier.
There is nothing wrong in letting go the negative clutching on to something. This life is a one day at a time process. We can't possibly see into the future all the things we think mite happen if we do this or that. And to try and do so may just ruin our future and our future happiness.
Go back to "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway". Let go the negatives and grasp on to the positives for dear life for that is where dear life really is.
I love you AH
brue
I'm alive, I'm happy - why shouldn't I tell the world I've got my head screwed back on just fine. Life is good for the Brue!
I'm really glad you had that conversation. I have done that sometimes, too, and I find it really helps a lot. Very often, I have misread what H meant. I wonder if he meant to say "I can't presume to understand..." Anyway, that's what he meant, it seems.
I know how hard it is to force yourself to do things when you just want to cry. This is a really hard time for you. Not only are you moving, but you are having to let go of your dreams and vision of what your retirement with your H would be like. That is HARD, AH - be gentle with yourself. The D on its own would be enough w/o the extra baggage.
~ Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
AH, Honey, it's so hard to offer an opinion based on just this, but whatthehay, I have had no coffee this morning, so I am feeling particularly gamey:
I can't believe this is the way you all communicate...<sigh>
What I see is that this man is paralyzed with fear. He has gotten to a place where he can't say anything for fear that you will take it and pick it and parcel it and piece it to death.
And, Sweetie, that's cause you do.
Why don't you just let him talk...why do you fill in the blanks before he even completes a thought? You say you don't want to assume, but yet, you do. Your comments back to him suggest (and again, this is hard in this format) that you don't even let him put the period at the end of the sentence before you jump in with your feeling and thoughts and analysis and conclusions about what he said...
I mean read that, you didn't listen and didn't respond to what he said, you just kept talking about what you thought.
In the words of my dear ex, the man doesn't know whether to [censored] or go blind.
You two need a break from each other, serious no contact, no discussion, no analyzing, no choosing your words carefully, you need to have no words to choose or analyze.
I agree with PL, give it some space, give it some rest.
You are spinning yourself in place and he is going to say nothing honest or useful or heartfelt at this point because he's completely terrified that what he says may be taken the wrong way, give the wrong signal, send the wrong message, and most of all, not be heard.
Just let it be for awhile.
Find a way, even if it means contriving things, to just not deal with him.
hope this isn't too harsh, no caffeine makes me crabby, hugs, BA
