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Heywyre,

I hate to say this...but that unexpected response was a deflection. He was trying to throw you off track and put this back on you to avoid what YOU were wanting. What you are asking for is NOT unreasonable...as you said, he has that access for you AND HE'S THE ONE WHO CHEATED.

This comment of his really sends up red flags too. A deflecting comment like this for a reasonable request makes me think (God I hate to say this) that he's hiding something he doesn't want you to know about....otherwise WHY make this such a big deal? His reaction is completely out of proportion to your request.

You did good though, you stayed calm.

Now...let him sit in his own emotion, don't go rescue him. Don't go try to placate the situation....leave him be. He's heard you, he knows (inside) that you aren't being unreasonable.

Also, his talk about "being by himself", another deflection/avoidance technique. If he threatens to go be by himself then he expects you'll back down and leave him alone. Call him on it. You may not want to say this tonight, but if he brings this up again you might say something along the lines of "if you think leaving is really an appropriate reaction to what I'm asking for then, there's the door! I don't want you to leave but I don't believe there should be any secrets in a marriage, I give you full access to everything about me and I believe you should do the same. I am not attempting to dominate you, requesting to view bills and phone logs is not domination...telling you how to spend money, what clothes to wear, what tv programs to watch, and when and where to be...THAT is domination."

DON'T RESCUE HIM.

GEL

Yes, I know it is a deflection, he does it all the time. His defensiveness is directly related to his vulnerability.

Trying not to rescue him is the BIG one. He has to wallow on his own and decide what it is he really wants.

I have this gut feeling there IS something he's not telling me and he's not telling me because of his fear I will leave this time! Even if he just went to talk to her (which he says that is what he was doing for a lot of months before they broke it off) but he's scared.

Do I continue on to just be the wife? Make dinners and the such or do I pull back?

I would continue to do what you usually do. After all, you're not angry. You made a reasonable request, and are calmly waiting for him to acknowledge it. He knows it is a reasonable request, given his history. He's using the time-honored "offense is the best defense" strategy, to make you back down.

I also think there is something there.

Ok so, we all agree that there is "something there" but (1) how do I approach that and (2) how do I deal with it

I know, both questions only I can answer

I would calmly continue to insist on total transparency. Get your C involved. Most likely, if there is something, it will come out then. He needs to be accountable. As to what you'll do with whatever you find out ... we'll cross that bridge when we know if there actually is anything. Hang in there. You're doing well.

What I would do is this...take it or leave it k?

Don't go rescue him, BUT you might walk in to the room and calmly state this "Your reaction to my request for information was completely disproportionate to the request. It makes me feel that you are not telling me something, perhaps because you are afraid of how I might react. I can deal with the truth, but I cannot deal with secrets or lies, is there anything you haven't told me? I cannot promise I won't get angry, but I can deal with the truth."

If he doesn't respond then say something like "Ok, no response...I will ask you this again in our next MC session at that time I expect a completely honest answer or access to what I've asked for. If you aren't hiding anything then there's no reason for you to not give me access....I am not budging on this issue, I have a right to view our bills."

He's not going to like it, he's likely to throw another deflection fit. Just walk away...let him stew in it. Just calmly walk away.

Does that mean you stop being his wife? No, you are calmly stating what you require. Now, if he doesn't give you the the truth as to what he's holding back...and/or doesn't give you access to what you've asked for. THEN it's time to rethink some other things...but lets not rush into those things yet. I'm thinking that if you stand firm on this for a few days and let the logic stew...he may come around. You may not like what you hear, but he may come around.

Sorry you are having to deal with this, but perhaps it's a good thing that he's behaving this way now. This will reinforce what you and your MC talked about with "trust".

GEL

I thought all this crap was over with and we were just in the healing stage, I don't know if I can go through this again. I don't know if I can survive finding out any more "stuff" I really don't want to know about. I have suspected there were other "things" prior to this time but that was in the past and I left it there. There is no way to find out about it anyway, so what's the point. But if it is still going on now, I just don't even want to think about that. However, on the other hand, I NEED to know so I can make the right decision to move forward with or without him

And I think that is what he is scared of too. If I do find out anything more, he's afraid it will be the end. But that is MY decision not his. He's made his choices and now he has to face the consequences.

GEL - you have made some good points. I don't have to stop being his wife. I still love him and yes, I can handle the truth. It's those bloody lies that boil my blood!

He's sleeping now so I really don't want to disturb him. As it was, I kept him up longer than he usually stays up (having to get up in just another couple of hours and drive for 10 so I already feel guilty - but not telling him that)

I have to be careful about what I say about the C because if I say



I just KNOW he will say, then I won't go to the C and you can deal with it on your own. He's in a TOTALLY defensive mode and he can be REALLY stubborn. He doesn't respect or trust women. I am the first one and he's having a real hard time dealing with that. I know I need to stand my ground but I also don't want to blow everything I've worked so hard for up until this point either.

You don't "have" to do anything, you know. You can always just ... let it go. I don't recommend it, but people do it all the time. My aunt did it until her husband died. He always had people on the side, but she had a peaceful marriage, a peaceful life, and that is what she wanted.

You have all the power here.