I was just being provocative and silly. I also MB to themes generated by the sight of water towers, motorcycles and mossy glades along the hiking trail etc. etc. etc. I think my recent experiences with internet "dating" give me some insight into how "unreal" of an affair of any kind any cyber-flirting LFL and Chrome did would have been. If they ever met in person it would be apparent to them too. Clearly all affairs are based largely on "fantasy". Unfortunately, the same can be said for all relationships during that early golden glow of infatuation. What makes or breaks a real relationship is putting in the hard, consistent work of bonding and rebonding over time. Having any sort of affair is really more stupid than "wrong". Why would anyone want to form a relationship with someone who is unwilling or unable to do the work of either fixing their current relationship or freeing themselves from it without need of "rescue"? Any relationship formed from an affair would right from the get-go have the dysfunctional form of two people leaning on each other for support- fusion-o-rama.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I don't really care if ANYONE else on here believes he had an EA or not...my POINT is from the perspective of his wifes pain. Yeah, I believe he did...you don't...so what?
It doesn't matter a tinker's damn what anyone here "thinks" about his situation, what matters is what SHE thinks. THAT is what he has to deal with, not us. If SHE believes he's betrayed her by having EA's then THAT is the issue they need to deal with before anything else can be rebuilt. Agree with me or don't...that's my take on it.
Personally I find the comments from those of you on here who staunchly say he didn't have one, which dismisses other's opinions, quite condescending. Do you have to agree with me....no, I don't require you to either. Do you need to be insulting by saying things like "If you want to convince yourself of that and try to make a mountain out of a molehill, then have at it." COMPLETELY CONDESCENDING AND INSULTING.
If SHE believes he's betrayed her by having EA's then THAT is the issue they need to deal with before anything else can be rebuilt.
Wrong! I see no reason for Chrome to accept blame for something that did not happen. If his W wants to believe it was an EA, that is her business, but I do not think Chrome should just stand by and let his W accuse him of doing something he did not do. Just because she FEELS a certain way does not mean those feelings are valid. Maybe to her, but not to him. For Chrome to accept responsibility for something he did not do is wrong. He needs to stand up for himself on this one.
Furthermore, if nothing happened, as LFL claims, then what is there is be ashamed of? Is he not allowed to talk to women? Should he check in with his W each before he can speak with a woman? Should he wear a tracking locator around his ankle?
Chrome’s W can dream up any sort of conspiracy she likes. That is her way of escape. Placating those fantasies will only justify her false fears. What she needs to do is step into the real world, take assertive steps to interact with her H, and stop playing victim. Otherwise, every time Chrome talks to a woman, his W will suspect something is going on. That is her paranoia to overcome, not Chrome’s.
Personally I find the comments from those of you on here who staunchly say he didn't have one, which dismisses other's opinions, quite condescending.
Why is this condescending? Why should I placate you and admit to something I think is untrue? Why do I have a responsibility to tip toe around your feelings when I think you have made a false accusation? If you don’t want to be challenged, then don’t make mountains out of molehills. What is your purpose anyway? Are you trying to help Chrome’s marriage or make a point about cheating men? It seems to me that what you feel is condescending is that I do not address the pain that YOU feel on behalf of Chrome’s wife. What does that have to do with me or this thread?
I very much apologize for starting such an inflammatory thread. It was not my intention for there to be such hard feelings all around. I also apologize for not responding so much lately.
As it turns out, I have been in the hospital the past 4 days with atrial fibrillation (sp?). Several days of heavy doses of drugs and a couple of electro-shocks and my heart is beating normally again ... for now. Being completely honest with myself, I think one of the major reasons it happened is all the stress I feel over my R. I have been waging an emotional war with myself, and it ramped up considerably after my W's latest comments and the insightful commentary given by you all (note: that is not an attempt to guilt trip, I just want to clarify that some things that were said to resonate with me, and I feel have some truth to them, especially the comments that I am not giving enough comfort to my W to help her heal her pain). I oscillate violently between massive guilt over my two illicit R's (whatever you want to call them) and my irrepresible desire for an M that seems so far out of reach. I try to logic myself out of those damaging feelings, but I have just not been very successful. Clearly though, something is going to have to change or else I will not live long enough to see if my M can be fixed. Unfortunately, I had to cancel my appt with my C b/c of being in the hospital, and he can't get me in for another two weeks. I think I need to work with him to establish a plan to help me relax. But even in the hospital I had to ask my W to be physically affectionate with me, to kiss me. I'm sure I didn't smell great b/c I couldn't shower with all the IV's and stuff. But I even got a mild guilt trip from her when I said I didn't feel like helping with the kids bath tonight. I know these are minor things that I am blowing up too much. That is where I need to learn to relax, or else I will leave my children fatherless.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Glad to hear an update from you, and glad you are doing better now. Do you do Yoga of any type? That is an awesome way to relax your body and calm your mind.
I very much apologize for starting such an inflammatory thread. Why apologize? As for inflammatory, maybe a little of the topic was but sometimes it is good to air out some things.
I think one of the major reasons it happened is all the stress I feel over my R. I bet you are right.
I think my back pains and ambulance ride to the ER last Sept. were mostly stress induced.
Clearly though, something is going to have to change or else I will not live long enough to see if my M can be fixed. Unfortunately.. It could cause an early death but most likely just a whole bunch of medical cr@p and feelings you don't want.
One family doctor I had said 60% of medical visits have a stress component. IOW stress will make you feel or act like you are going to die at an early age.
I am so sorry about your health scare. PLEASE take this as a serious warning sign and follow up with your counselor to work on some relaxation techniques. GEL's idea about yoga is great. Try some beginner yoga DVDs or classes.
I oscillate violently between massive guilt over my two illicit R's (whatever you want to call them) and my irrepressible desire for an M that seems so far out of reach. I try to logic myself out of those damaging feelings, but I have just not been very successful.
I guessed you were having those issues. First do you think it is guilt or shame that you are feeling? If it was guilt, then logic might work because you can just tell yourself that you will not do it again. I kind of think you might be feeling shame which is what triggers such an emotional and dramatic response. I do not think that you can easily logic that emotion away. Partly you just have to give yourself a break and move ahead. I think I mentioned before that I believe it will be difficult to show compassion to your wife when you cannot show yourself compassion.
Second your irrepressible desire for a better M. Please do not feel let you have to repress that desire. In fact I would keep that vision of a better marriage as your incentive to stay focused on yourself and getting your life in order. Please believe me that you will feel better and your marriage will improve as you feel better. I think you will probably need marriage counseling to take further steps but I think you will have an easier time convincing your wife when you have taken some initial steps on your own.
Take good care of yourself. You deserve it!!!!
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
