I'll tell you why. A few weeks ago I gave my wife and her friend tickets to a concert they both really wanted to go to, as a birthday present to my wife. At 11:30 or so W calls and says, "We were coming out of the bathroom and there were a couple of guys and a girl from the band, they invited us to a party at the hotel bar where they are staying and we want to go".
I didn't like it, sounded groupie-ish to me but whatever. W ended up not going and I let it drop.
Couple weeks later her sister is talking about the concert and says to me, "they were standing by the bathroom and run into people from the band? give me a break. Don't you remember what (W's friend) did at the Lionel Ritchie concert? Rmember when she disappeared, we couldn't find her than when she does show up again she told us that she had tried to get backstage to meet Lionel but security caught her? Now do you really think the band is going to be walking out the front door or near the public restroom and that's how they "ran" into the band? I'll bet you (W's friend) pulled that same stunt again and W had no choice but to go with her as W rode with friend in friend's car. I'm telling you, W is lying about that night".
Since my W's sister said that to me, I've been in turmoil about this. W's friend now wants her to fly to LA with her in June. I've heard some of her 'road trip' stories after she has returned from these business conventions. I just can't get it out of my head that if she lied about the circumstances surrounding this other incident, for whatever reason, I'm still uneasy about it.
Do I confront her? I don't think I should given our history. For example, last night I was trying to download a picture from my nieces musical that I had taken using my phone and sent to W's phone as W was in Michigan and had to miss the musical. Same account, so when I went online to download it, I asked her if she knew how to make it part of a folder in my pictures. She immediately was defensive and wanted to know what I was looking for, I showed her the page I was on, the photo and told her what I was trying to do but kept getting error messages. She said, "it's been so long, I don't know that I will ever be able to think that you aren't checking up on me". W then sat down at the computer and worked on taking care of the problem for me. It was the holding breath, then relaxing and breathing type thing again.
I didn't know what to say, I wanted to say, just believe me, I'm working so hard and have changed so much, I really am the guy you first met, I've peeled away the layers and crud that covered the real me up, this is me again, genuine. But words mean nothing, actions mean everything. So I left it alone, otherwise it's dangerously close to the path that leads to R talk and by her actions W was moving past it and helping me work in photosuite. After working on it for awhile, W and I went to bed, watched some TV to unwind and then went to sleep. Despite the potential for tension, things ended peacefully and she was in a good mood this morning.
I know at some point, her sister is going to ask about the circumstances regarding the concert. Her sister doesn't have a lot of love for W's friend due to some other things, and her influence on W. I did get out of the conversation regarding lying/not lying without any negative comments from me and via changing the topic.
Yet now, it is really starting to bother me. At the time, W said, "I didn't go, why do we need to discuss it?" To me, that's a valid point. I'm going to have to think about Cat's post, stop and think before I speak. If there was something more to her story as SIL believes, (and honestly, I do as well, SIL take on it makes sense), does it really matter? She didn't go, she came home to me. Things aren't great, yet she still hugs me, we sleep in the same bed, she does kiss me. I don't know. I think I should just leave it alone and deal with the LA trip when it comes up and appears to be a certain thing, right now it's just talk.
Talking with W about situation with S14. I told her maybe we need to put a keylogger on to monitor his IM stuff for now, until we know for sure nothing is going on.
She immediately goes into a rant about how now I want our S14 to shake every time the phone rings or he sees an email from me, because that's what she does. Having lived for years wondering what is being watched, and how its going to be taken or perceived, how landing at the airport Sunday night, she instantly got a migraine, knowing she was now back here.
What the heck do I do with that? It seems like every conversation some how or other leads to her tearing at me about all this stuff. I'm doing everything I can to avoid R talks. I finally told her, listen I would gladly wear some sort of videocam mounted to my head for as long as it takes for you to see I'm not checking up on you, snooping or whatever it is you think I'm doing. Even with that, you would probably still say I'm only avoiding that stuff because I know I'm being watched and as soon as the cam goes away, back comes the bad stuff.
I really don't know what to say any more. I just stand, sit or lie there and let her vent. What else can I do?
So, I've been staring at the screen for about an hour now, I don't know what to type. So many things were said, all basically a different version of the stuff I'm about to post. Here it is, verbatim. I didn't initiate this conversation, we both had dentist appointments so we were getting ready to leave when, BOOM, it hit.
This morning W tells me that she thinks we should separate after the kids get out of school for the summer. She has already registered them for next year, so if she has to live at MIL's she will just drive them over to school each day. She doesn't care if we lose the house, she can still keep them involved in their activities as MIL's is only a few minutes away. No, she won't go to marriage counseling. She doesn't want to touch me, or be touched by me. She doesn't want to have sex with me. She is going out this Friday with her friend, and she doesn't care that I wanted to go do something with her. She doesn't want to spend time with me. She doesn't want to do things with me. She doesn't want to talk with/to me. Yes, people change and she can see that I have changed. That's good for my next relationship, but she doesn't want anything to do with me. The way she feels towards me hasn't changed. She doesn't want to give it a year or even 6 months for her feelings to change. She is going to get a job, anywhere that she can asap, and then we can make it official. She is done and just wants to be gone. The kids will be okay if we work at making this amicable. Kids of divorce aren't that damaged, she doesn't care how many studies I can bring that show that they are, she can bring just as many that show they are not. She is not a marriage seminar wife, she isn't going to ask me if she can go out, she is just going to go out. I said, I'm not asking you to ask, I'm asking for consideration, just like I would ask you if you mind or did you have plans already. I also made the mistake of saying, I would hope you would want to go out with me. She said that's just it, I don't want to go out with you. I'm not going to want to go out with you. I want to go out with my friends, not you.
That was the gist of the morning, pre-dentist appointment.
After the dentist appointment I asked her if she would like to get something to eat as it was almost noon. She said sure and we went to a place she really likes. While there I tried to talk about anything but us. My mind was reeling and I actually felt physically ill. I thought I was going to throw up. I didn't know what was going on, my stomach was one big cramp. W started to talk about the situation with her sister and sis new boyfriend. He is 40, never had kids stepping into a situation with SIL in which 4 kids are involved. W says, he has never done it before but he can change and do what he needs to do to make it work. I threw my hands up, (literally), I know I shouldn't have but it just happened like a reflex or something. W asks what, I said, how can you say he can change after 20 years of being a single, no kids guy, yet you and I can't? She again said, we can and should change. Just not together. Maybe after we are separated for awhile, if by some miracle God brings us back together then okay..., but you would have to be Jesus himself for me to believe that could happen. At that point I kind of went numb. I mean, how many times in one 4-5 hour period can you hear someone tell you how much they want to be gone, they want a divorce and they don't want to try with you again. It's truly all a weird blur right now. I don't know where to turn. In the middle of all of this, I forgot my phone at home so I don't have any of my numbers, I can't even try to get Chuck on the line. I have one more session, maybe I should just donate it to someone that actually has a chance. I drove back to work, she rode with me, she is dropping me off and picking me up later after church. She is at her IC as I type this. When she dropped me off, we talked some more about concerns regarding SIL, SIL's kids and the whole situation there, what we can do to be there for SIL right now. I said I have to get inside, she gave me a hug, she held onto me so tight, she hasn't held onto me like that in I don't know how long, then a kiss... I don't know what to think. I realize the hug and kiss are probably a result of whatever guilt she is feeling over the pain that she might be causing me and the kids. I did ask how long she has been planning this, she said yesterday and last night she started to really think about it and no, she hasn't filed.
I honestly don't know what to think. I'm completely numb.
You know, it just keeps on going. I'm hurting, freaking out here but I have to be cool because I'm in the office until 7. This sucks. I want to leave. I called W after W's IC, only to ask that she unplug my phone when she gets home as it's still on the charger. W sounds great, that's just awesome. Even through out a, "it feels great to know you've been released, I know God has released me, I don't feel bad about anything at all". I had nothing to say, I couldn't figure out how the heck that had anything to do with me asking her to unplug my phone. Except I did say, "cool, thanks, have a good day". That kind of opened the door for her to tell me how good her day is going now that she knows how fantastic her decision is. I can just imagine her C is overjoyed at hearing this recent turn of events. That probably bolstered her confidence in this decision.
I was thinking about AmyC's post to me, basically telling me to [censored] off. I tried to take the what I could from it and not let it get to me. Yet, after todays excitement it does get to me.
Yes, I worked/work a lot. I missed a lot. I was also there for a lot. I went to field trips, concerts, games and practices. I took kids to ERs, I walked my daughter for hours in the cold night, hoping and praying her lungs would open up due to the cold air, then run back in and stand in the steam generated by the hot shower running.
No, I didn't go out with the guys for beer after work. For a one month period I lost my mind when my best friend killed himself, and I did go out during that period, but I snapped out of it when my son asked me if I drove home drunk. Actually, less than a month of that crap, 2 years ago. Less than a month, out of 20 years? I must be satan incarnate. During that time I didn't mess around in any way. Never laid a violent hand on her ever, even when she pushed me, raised her fist at me and threw things at me.
I wash clothes, dishes and help get the kids bathed. I get up with them in the morning, no matter how late I worked, to see them off to school, help get breakfast ready and spend some time with them.
No, I wasn't there for every bed time, but rather than go out with my friends I would get home so I could at least watch their belly rise and fall with each breath as they slept.
Now, I'm supposed to miss out on that? Miss out on all the moments I can have now anytime I want? I can kiss them whenever I walk in the door. Now, she wants to take them from me and make it so I see them on some days, and "you know you can call any time".
And her last thing regarding anything to do with me losing time with the kids? I brought upon myself. I should have known and it's too late for her to change her feelings now.
No, by no means do I think I did everything right. But judging by AmyC's post regarding her H, I didn't do everything wrong either.
You know what is funny/ironic? W's friend that she went to see in Michigan wants to tour Spain this summer with her mother. Friends H was opposed for various reasons, so her mother bought the tickets and booked the trip already without her. I should probably save him a seat here in the evil overlord section. God forbid she would see that they have a couple of kids and leaving for 3 months, while a great fantasy trip, probably can't happen right now. Of course, W can't believe he is being so uncooperative, what's the problem? She just has to come up with the ticket fare and food money. How about the childcare cost while she is gone? He still has to work, somebody has to. Oh come on, reality sucks. Lets just spend, spend and spend some more and the LBS can just [censored] off, but pay for it first please.
I was thinking about AmyC's post to me, basically telling me to [censored] off. I tried to take the what I could from it and not let it get to me. Yet, after todays excitement it does get to me.
Yes, I worked/work a lot. I missed a lot. I was also there for a lot. I went to field trips, concerts, games and practices. I took kids to ERs, I walked my daughter for hours in the cold night, hoping and praying her lungs would open up due to the cold air, then run back in and stand in the steam generated by the hot shower running.
I didn't tell you to [censored] off. I just wanted you to look at the picture differently. Now you have and you see both good AND bad. If you didn't see that, she'd walk all over you. You needed to acknowledge the bad (if only to yourself for now) and let the good lift you up. Who you are is not wrapped up in her. Who you will be is not wrapped up in who she is now or who she becomes.
Knowing it wasn't all you will allow you to rise from this no matter what she does. And this is where you start.
I was thinking about AmyC's post to me, basically telling me to [censored] off. I tried to take the what I could from it and not let it get to me. Yet, after todays excitement it does get to me.
Yes, I worked/work a lot. I missed a lot. I was also there for a lot. I went to field trips, concerts, games and practices. I took kids to ERs, I walked my daughter for hours in the cold night, hoping and praying her lungs would open up due to the cold air, then run back in and stand in the steam generated by the hot shower running.
I didn't tell you to [censored] off. I just wanted you to look at the picture differently. Now you have and you see both good AND bad. If you didn't see that, she'd walk all over you. You needed to acknowledge the bad (if only to yourself for now) and let the good lift you up. Who you are is not wrapped up in her. Who you will be is not wrapped up in who she is now or who she becomes.
Knowing it wasn't all you will allow you to rise from this no matter what she does. And this is where you start.
Sorry AmyC. Everything today feels like a big f-off. I keep coming apart here and when asked, "is everything okay" or "what's the matter with you", I can only blame it on allergies for so long.
My daughter called, I can hear W in the background practicing her vocal parts for tonight. It's like nothing happened today. Here, let me rip your guts out real quick, and then I have to get back to practicing since I have to lead worship tonight?!?!?
How does all that fit together? I'm seriously lost here. I feel like I've been sucker punched and am still loopy.
It is like it didn't happen to her because it DIDN'T freakin happen to her.
She's pretty happy.
And if you can't smile your way through this then you suck and are weak. Do it for the kids.
Sound cruel and unreasonable?
You bet your ass it is.
But an MLC mind REALLY might think that way.
I know I did.
An MLCer can get so high a mighty on that horse that those that don't agree with them and those that hurt because of them are just clearly not on the same path of enlightenment they are.
It is like it didn't happen to her because it DIDN'T freakin happen to her.
She's pretty happy.
And if you can't smile your way through this then you suck and are weak. Do it for the kids.
Sound cruel and unreasonable?
You bet your ass it is.
But an MLC mind REALLY might think that way.
I know I did.
An MLCer can get so high a mighty on that horse that those that don't agree with them and those that hurt because of them are just clearly not on the same path of enlightenment they are.
In short, they're freakin' insane.
And I do mean that.
Thank you for helping me understand from a former WAW/MLC perspective. I keep trying to think, maybe it's like when I freaked out after my friends death. Still I "snapped" out of it when I saw the look on my sons face, I couldn't do that to him again. W thinks this is best for them. I'm a little messed up right now. I just got off the phone with my kiddies. Just seeing how their day went and such. Thinking that I will see them later, knowing that if she has her way in the near future when I hang up with them, I won't be able to say, I'll be home soon and I can't wait to see you, I've missed you all day.
This sucks. I do have to be strong and smile my way through this. Let her figure out how she is going to tell the kids. Why am I getting so worked up about telling them?
W just called, the music director asked her to prepare a solo piece for Sunday morning. This is a big deal. I am so happy for her. W actually called me to ask if I had heard any songs I think she would do well on. Holy Cow?!?!
Is this the part where I focus on being a great friend?
I told her of a couple songs I've heard that she would kill on, she is very talented as a songwriter, singer and worship leader. I found the song online and played it for her over the phone, she is talking about going to Borders to get the CD either later tonight or in the morning.
Is it okay for me to be confused or something here? Can't stand me, wants to move out in 30-40 days, but wants to call about something this important and act as if nothing ever happened?
I'm leaving work now. Don't know if I can check the board any more tonight. Either way, I made it through another day. Of course, the day is not completely over so who knows...
I can only pray and keep DB'ing. I don't know what else to do.
