Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE W moving out & says that it's permanent - Part 2

being pretty close to wearing your wife's shoes.

Actually I think the SSM part of it is the only part you are close to - 12_51 and his wife had a fairly good relationship with him being supportive and kind to her. That's why it was so easy for him (No excuse but it is the reason) to let the sex issue slide. He thought the rest of their relationship was fairly stable and just did not give sex the priority it deserved.

"What does you wife think was the 'reason' for your LD?".

He was tested at the very low end of testosterone and is on a prescription. So there was a medical reason he is addressing and the other mental reason he needs to address for the future is the fact that he took his wife for granted which is why he did not actively pursue the reason for his LDness sooner.

Mojo, I understand that your marriage had plenty of other issues so it may be hard to explain how good marriages end up in trouble. In good marriages couples can feel so sure of themselves that when something goes off-track (sex, time together, regular talks, etc.), you do not immediately react because you are "confident" in the goodness and security of your great marriage. That is also why I think his apologies to his wife need to be in the tone of "sorry it took a ton of bricks on my head to figure this was a real problem." Right there he owns up to his mistak and explains that her leaving IS what got his attention to take care of his LD issue without getting off-track.

From what I have read, overall, 12_51 is on the right track. He is not becoming someone new; he is getting back to the man that his wife fell in love with in the first place so she will recognize him.

At least that is how I have read his situation so far.

12_51
How are you feeling today? It's Monday, I haven't heard from my wife all week, and I feel pretty down. I also got whacked with a financial issue I wasn't expecting. What a way to start off the week! There are some days that bring me to the level of despair, and today is one of them. Sometimes I feel nothing good is ever going to happen again! I feel really down today. There is a part of me that wants to have a big bawl, but this isn't the place for it. I just get so disgusted! I am so hoping that my W still thinks of me, and is still wanting to re-engage at some point. I just don't know. All I know is that I love her and miss her. I wish I would have woken up sooner.

?
Is anybody out there? Hello?

Well, even if no one is out there, I'm still going to vent! Today is such a rough one. I am so caught up in negatives, and feel so lousy, that I just keep asking the Good Lord to take me!(I'm not into hurting self/others!) I feel like no one is hearing me, and all my pain is going out into this big void, and I'm completely alone. I know I'm really no different than anyone else, but I really feel isolated. Everything seems bleak today, and I can't get out of it.

2in2

I know how tough it is but it does get better (really it does). I never would have believed it in a million years and I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up a year later. Sometimes I still feel that way but those feels are getting less intense

Have you considered going to see your GP and see if perhaps you can go on AD for a little while just to get over the worst part of this black hole? I am not into taking drugs but I don't know what I would have done had I not had them - I am fine now and don't take them. You might only need to take them for a couple of months. It doen't take away the problems or the pain but it sure makes it a heck of a lot easier to deal with
(((2in2)))) take care

Heywyre,
Thanks for getting back to me! I was starting to feel like NO ONE was around. Yes, I have an appt. on 5/8 with my GP, and AD's are definately on my list. I am working on changing me, but I'm going slow. The hardest parts now are that memories of the good times are flooding in, and (I'm sure you know) they bring a lot of sadness. Now, my wife hasn't filed, and as I said before, she calls this sep. a "wake-up call". But for some reason I really feel fragile today. My motivation is practically nil, and I just want to hide. How can something that started out so good, turn into s#*t? Thanks for listening, and feel free to share any other insights with me. I'm being as open-minded as possible.

2in2

Oh I hear ya!! Been there, done that. This is the second time around for me so I know where you are sitting, and its not a very nice place. If you can, get out and go for a walk. I know it is the last thing you feel like doing but it will really help you clear your mind

It's too bad you can't see the doc for almost another 2 weeks - this is the time you REALLY need the meds. Its the worse possible time. I know me saying it will get better doesn't really help because I remember a time no one could tell me, and I would believe, that it would get better.

When the second bomb hit it was just 10 days away from Christmas - try acting happy around family when they don't have a clue what you are going through (we didn't tell anyone and I am glad we didn't)

Are you seeing a C at all? That would REALLY help too. At least it is a better time of year and the sun is out (well, once in a while - lol)

I wish I had a magic wand to take away the pain, I know how intense it can be at times.

Heywyre,
You don't need a wand, just your support is helping! And there is a part of me that knows things can get better. But after 12 1/2 yrs. of M, the empty house gets to ya. Lord knows, though, that I have PLENTY of projects to keep me going. I guess part of my depression is what has me looking at the glass as half empty instead of half full. I will probably take a short 10-15 min. stroll, but it feels so good just to communicate about my feelings. And yes, I see a C, but its in the context of MC. And the MC is recommending AD's. We go to our 3 rd session on 5/7. For some reason, I am beginning to develop a fear that my W will drop out before then. I have no factual basis for this, just a fear. And one of the things that piss me off is that my MIL, whom I had a good relationship with before the split, hasn't called, sent a card ,etc. Same with others in her family.
It's like being put into solitary confinement.

Ok, first of all... regardless of what your W does, YOU need to take care of YOU. YOU need to see a C - regardless of whether W decides to keep going or not. YOU need to think of what is best for YOU ... not what her parents think, not what other members of her family thinks, NO ONE - understand?

I know this is hard, but you are dwelling (typical emotion, especially if you are depressed) and it is just going to drag you further into the hole.

Also, think of it from the family's point of view. They have a daughter and son-in-law that are going through their problems. Who's side (no matter what) do you think they are going to take? And, regardless of whether they think she is right or wrong, they most likely don't want to get into the middle of it - ESPECIALLY if they think she is wrong. Can you imagine the mess that would cause. And, do you really need any more drama in your life right now?

Keep venting on here - I know how much it helped me and I am more than willing to return the favour

I hear you. Thanks for the input, because it put some things into perspective. And I will continue C, even if W doesn't. For some reason, I just feel really lost today. I'm the one who still is in the house, and no matter where I look, I see reminders of her. My W said that I had shut down on her before she left, and I can see her point of view. I had fallen into a rut. I feel like a good cry, maybe later, when I am alone. I know that He never would, but sometimes I feel like even God has walked away from me. I try to believe that no matter what, He has my best interests at heart, but it is hard to see that right now. Today is nothing but pain! But thanks for being there. I am very grateful!