In one breath you say you don't want to give up and then you say you are supposed to meet tomorrow to talk and would it be a good idea to not show up? What signs are you trying to send to her. If it is that you want her in your life, not showing up is not only rude, but it will hardly say ILY will it?
Be a man about this. If you are going to have to face reality that it is over, at least do it with some dignity and don't give her any reason to doubt that you are anything but a decent human being.
My advice, as far as what "others say" is to not to listen. Only you know what is best for your heart. If I would have listened to what everyone else said about numerous things in my life, I never would be where I am today. And regardless of where I am sitting in my R, I wouldn't trade "me" for the world. I love who I am and who I've become. It's taken a lot of mileage to get to be me and it wasn't because of people telling me NOT to do something either. Unless they have been exactly where you are, and have come out of it in a positive light, you are not going to get encouraging feedback
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Thanks I needed to hear that. It really was what I've been thinking all a long.
And I don't think I could just not show up. Someone on another post sugguested that I become "unpredictable" to make her wonder. That really was the only reason I through that out there. But, that's not me.
I think that I have been a man about this and I really don't have any regrets, except that I should have woken up sooner. I've gone to counseling and really have made an effort. And I haven't quit.
I really do plan to be a decent human being, even if we end in divorce.
I agree with you to a point, but often, doing what our "heart" tells us, is exactly the opposite of what really needs to be done. Relationship repair is in part at least, counterintuitive.
An example is cautioning someone new here about being grabby/needy/desperate. Those are gut reactions for a wounded individual, yet they are exactly the wrong thing to do. Those actions will force the spouse even further away.
I absolutely agree that he should "man up" and face the situation and his wife head on.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
NOP - I don't think 12_51 is being "needy" - he seems to genuinely care about his relationship and sees it going down the toilet
When I say go with what your "heart" tells you, maybe that was a little misleading. What I really mean is your gut, mine is amazing at telling me the right things to do, although sometimes I don't do them and regret later. I have made too many mistakes by listening to other people. Its great to get the advice, don't get me wrong. However the only person that REALLY knows where you are sitting is YOU and that is the only person you have to answer to. You have to listen to all that great advice but only use what actually applies to your particular situation. I have had tons of great advice on these boards but the typical DB techniques just didn't work for me. Once I "altered" them somewhat to accommodate what I thought was a better solution in my sitch, things started moving forward
12_51 is in a bad place right now but I don't think it is over for them. His W wants to meet and talk tomorrow, not showing up is downright rude, to say the least. His "heart" is telling him not to do what the others have told him to do (not show up) and that is because he has some morals and substance - that is what he needs to show his W, not that he is a puppet and listens to brainless people that don't have a clue what he is going through
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I don't really know that my wife "wants to meet and talk". It was my call that got that going.
She probably feels that she needs to meet so that she could tell me what she is planning, but I don't think that she is wanting to meet to discuss anything positive for me. She said so tonight when we talked.
My guess is that I've got to let her go and then hope for the best. I really have no choice.
How do I do this? Should I help her move? Should she take everything she owns? I want to be polite, but I really don't want this to end -- I don't want to "aid" her in this process.
Do NOT agree to anything separation wise. Just listen to what she has to say. You don't have to respond.
Do NOT enable her activities away from you. You don't have to be mean, but you most certainly do not want to be a doormat. No respect in that whatsoever.
Please consider what I suggested about finances and legal assistance.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Let's see, can I think of what I would do if I was your W. I would probably want my H to be as understanding as possible. I definitely would not expect him to help me move, but it would be nice if he offered at least. Perhaps you could offer and see what she says - if you don't have a problem with that.
She will have to decide what she wants to take. Obviously the less she takes, the better because that means there are still ties to you, right?
You aren't "aiding" her in this process. If she is bent on moving out, you have to let her make that decision. It doesn't mean she is gone for good. She might just need some time and space to ground herself again. Be her friend - she probably wants that more than anything right now.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Your wife is moving out. I don't consider that as being a friendly thing. Spouses, wayward or otherwise usually want to part company as "friends". That goes a long way toward alleviating guilt, but does little else.
Do you really just want to be her friend or do you want to be her husband? "Friends" isn't good enough for me, it may be to you.
"Wife, I have no intention of divorcing you. I also have no intention of being your friend outside of our marriage".
You need to be reacting to your wife in a masculine manner. The lack of which has caused your current difficulty.
As for selling stuff, again, don't agree to anything. Not yet. Not for a while.
Do you approve of your wife moving out? If not, then tell her that you don't like it. It won't stop her, but it will leave little room for her to doubt your sincerity or intentions.
Are you ready to meet her physical needs? Then tell her that you are ready and willing to do whatever it takes to bring sex back into the marriage - NOW. Make sure that she understands "NOW". Are you ready to do her on the couch right now?
Are you following me?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Yes. I follow you. I only need half a chance and sex it is.
I'm now taking a testosterone drug that seems to be helping -- I can hardly get her to sit on the same couch right now, much less do her on the couch.
Also, I have a hard time thinking that we will ever be "friends" if the divorce is done. We might be able to be nice to each other, but not friends. I want her as my wife.
However, if I say that I won't be her friend right now it might harm the possibilites of her returning after separation.
