Tyler, How do you handle the setbacks? It seems after I tried the 180 and stopped pursuing, I missed the baby steps and then reverted back to my old ways of wanting to talk about the R. This just pushed it further away so then I get the setbacks and wonder if I can continue and if I made the right choice. I have been trying this from far away and the emails and phone calls don't seem to do much. She says she needs to spend time around me to see if she can love me again. Is that a baby step or am I just fooling myself? When I get back from deployment she does want to take a vacation with me and my children so that to me is a huge step but in my mind I wonder if she is just doing it for the girls? Hard to tell where and what to do from here.
Me=35 W=40 2 children Married almost 7 years Bomb dropped: Too many to count Counseling 3x's Dealing with WAW. Seperated
Also, She sent me some pictures of her and the girls and she wasn't wearing her wedding band. I sorta freaked out about it since she has "male" friends that aren't any of my business. Don't know if she is having an affair and won't ask because the DB coach told me not to. She is also moving out of our old place into a bigger apt while I am away and says little things that bother me. Like she hasn't moved "her" bed, which to me is our bed. Is that ridiculous on my part but it bothers me when I hear things like that and wonder if I am being led along because she is financially secure right now and doesn't have to work. Easy for her to fit into this situation because I am not there and she can basically do what she wants without having to put any effort into this marriage. While I am 6000 miles away burning at the chop to save this marriage. I think sometimes that I am crazy for putting effort forth!!
Me=35 W=40 2 children Married almost 7 years Bomb dropped: Too many to count Counseling 3x's Dealing with WAW. Seperated
Thanks C_L. In all honesty, I stopped posting or even lurking when things started to slip, (more like avalanche), backwards. I felt like such a fraud. The R was going so well I thought. I was doing really well, very positive, making tons of changes and all of them were real! It was awesome. At first it was a lot of mental muscle, then the changes were just me and it felt great. I didn't even have to think about it. My mistake was in jumping in with both feet as if nothing had ever happened and everything was just fine. She has said this numerous times, that I was fine, (at least acting like it), but she wasn't. She still had the same lack of feelings for me, still resented me and all those things. I just wanted to get on with life, for her it wasn't that easy.
Long story short, rather than proceed with caution as recommended in DR, I charged forward. This scared her off again. When I saw things crumbling and the bombs started dropping again I couldn't even read through my old posts, they felt so empty.
Then I talked to Chuck and realized this board does help keep my grounded. There is a lot of great wisdom and experience here. Reading how others have been at this longer than I have and are dealing with situations tougher than mine helps me stay resolved. Because no matter how much I know it would hurt and cause harm to everyone involved..., there are days I want to go home, put a 4 Sale sign in the front yard, pack a bag and walk out. I really do reach a state where I don't care if I ever see any of them again. Screw it. Particularly when she says things like, "let me get a job and get things ready", or "we need to plan this out so we can do this right". I really have to bite my tongue because I want to tell her to shove that up her a**. How about this, you wanted it, you got it, now figure it out because its no longer my problem.
Then I read through here and realize, it could be worse even though it doesn't feel like it could get any worse I know better and I need to act like it. Even better, I can read where folks had it even worse and are not putting together a great R, not just rebuilding but truly starting anew with their spouse.
Tyler, How do you handle the setbacks? It seems after I tried the 180 and stopped pursuing, I missed the baby steps and then reverted back to my old ways of wanting to talk about the R. This just pushed it further away so then I get the setbacks and wonder if I can continue and if I made the right choice. I have been trying this from far away and the emails and phone calls don't seem to do much. She says she needs to spend time around me to see if she can love me again. Is that a baby step or am I just fooling myself? When I get back from deployment she does want to take a vacation with me and my children so that to me is a huge step but in my mind I wonder if she is just doing it for the girls? Hard to tell where and what to do from here.
I would say that is a giant baby step, sort of like jumbo shrimp. She is saying that she wants to spend time around you to see if there is still something there. Dude, my W doesn't want to spend time around me, she told me this Saturday when I asked her if she would like to ride with me while I ran some errands. I would love to hear that W wants to spend some time with me to see if there is anything there.
Chuck described the setbacks as chasing them back behind the wall they have built between us. Think of it that way. I try to visualize this wall that she has built between us, if I chase her back behind it with setbacks that just affirms her belief that I have not really changed and that she needs to build the wall thicker and bigger to protect herself.
Heading home in a bit. W and kids are at church, they will pick me up when they get out. My objective is to make the ride home pleasant. She leaves tomorrow for a 4 day trip to visit some childhood friends. Now until she leaves I want everything to be positive. Hard to do knowing that there will probably be no physical contact. In the past things would be affectionate due to anticapated time apart. Of course things are different now. It just gets to me when I think about the past, how things were, and how they could have been had I not blown it.
In the past things would be affectionate due to anticapated time apart. Of course things are different now. It just gets to me when I think about the past, how things were, and how they could have been had I not blown it.
Oh Tyler - I know it is hard not to regret what could/should have been. These thoughts can bring your PMA down, so just be careful with them, OK?
What are you planning to do with kids while W is away?
It just gets to me when I think about the past, how things were, and how they could have been had I not blown it.
PMA, Act as if and laugh as much as possible.
Tyler, Be careful with conclusions you come-up with. You will likely be "beating yourself up" over fiction--something you created in your mind that is not true, but sure seems like it. I think it's going to be awhile before you get some perspective on your situation--at least several months.
At this stage in the DB process, I don't think it's possible to be objective about who contributed what to the marital problems. Be clear about your goals, work like crazy at becoming excellent at DB, GAL, detachment, unconditional love, acceptance, and other life skills.
Accept the fuzziness of confusion for now. Things will become more clear later.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
In the past things would be affectionate due to anticapated time apart. Of course things are different now. It just gets to me when I think about the past, how things were, and how they could have been had I not blown it.
Oh Tyler - I know it is hard not to regret what could/should have been. These thoughts can bring your PMA down, so just be careful with them, OK?
What are you planning to do with kids while W is away?
Slowly
True enough. I'm practicing the concepts from Laurie's thought stopping thread on a regular basis. Sometimes I literally say out loud, STOP. Otherwise the regrets build and can become overwhelming.
We have baseball, softball and soccer practices. Friday night we are going to a musical. It's going to be busy but I love it. They are great kids and one of my strongest motivations to make this work. I don't want to miss a moment of their lives that I don't have to.
It just gets to me when I think about the past, how things were, and how they could have been had I not blown it.
PMA, Act as if and laugh as much as possible.
Tyler, Be careful with conclusions you come-up with. You will likely be "beating yourself up" over fiction--something you created in your mind that is not true, but sure seems like it. I think it's going to be awhile before you get some perspective on your situation--at least several months.
At this stage in the DB process, I don't think it's possible to be objective about who contributed what to the marital problems. Be clear about your goals, work like crazy at becoming excellent at DB, GAL, detachment, unconditional love, acceptance, and other life skills.
Accept the fuzziness of confusion for now. Things will become more clear later.
CL
That is very true CL. I know I shouldn't but the other day she made a comment about this trip to Michigan and her sister being pissy that she wasn't invited along with W. (W is visiting friends of her family). W said this is how it always is, I get a hard time about everything I do. We were at the gym so I didn't want to get into it and I really am trying to validate. I had enough though and said, 'look what about the trips to Nashville, Orlando and Jackson? I didn't give you a hard time about that, you went with your friends, I stayed because of work and that was the end of it. I'm getting a little tired of hearing 'everything and always'. Because its not true. I will own up to what I've done, but I'm not going to let you keep diminshing the good I've done and when I have got it right.' With that I walked away and continued to workout. I know I shouldn't have said anything and I really didn't want to fight. Thankfully it did not become a fight and she responded with, "you know what I'm talking about". I said, yes I do and I've never once said that was right or I should have been that way. I have been letting her say what she wants and validating but sometimes you really want things to stay close to reality or at least remind them of things they might be overlooking. I think that by validating her comment about knowing what she is talking about took a little steam away from her response or reaction to me defending myself. I owned what I did, yet didn't take ownership of the things others have done and she wanted to throw me under the bus for. If that makes sense.
You're definitely right though, that kind of conversation can wait for later when the fuzziness subsides and the blocking out of anything good I've ever done is over. That is, if the conversation is ever even necessary. I'd like to shoot for being in a place where I can just let it go and not need to rehash it or hope for an apology once things are better. I'd really like to just move on into a whole, fulfilling brand new relationship with W that completely eclipes the negative. Then it will all be a non-issue, so why discuss it?
W was out of town last night and will be until late Sunday. Didn't hear from her after she landed yesterday. She called to talk to the kids and I a bit.
I had fun with the kids. We hung out, had some dinner and chilled. All of thier practices were cancelled due to rain. Tonight we are going to a musical, should be a lot of fun. I'm heading out now to spend some time at my mom's place while the kids are at school.
One thing is the limbo I feel I'm in. I guess its the confused state that CL mentioned. In another time I would call her to say good morning, ask how her night went, did you sleep well, that sort of thing. Now, I don't know what is perceived as pressure/chasing, so I don't do anything. I will wait for her to call today, for sure she will call to talk to the kids when they get home from school. Other than that, I'm doing really well at not calling, texting or e-mailing.
She is saying that she wants to spend time around you to see if there is still something there. Dude, my W doesn't want to spend time around me, she told me this Saturday when I asked her if she would like to ride with me while I ran some errands. I would love to hear that W wants to spend some time with me to see if there is anything there.