Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Sadly, it's time to file

It's been a while...

I've been S for 17 mos. and DB'ing for 15 mos. My H told me one morning at breakfast that he wasn't happy, 2 days later I found out about Ow, 2 days after that we started MC, and 1 mos later I asked him to move out after finding a $300 cell phone bill to Ow.

It's been downhill from there. We started up MC again a couple months following our S "for the sake of co-parenting" only to discover the T was no good. Tried another one, but after 2 visits and H telling me he was only waiting for me to start working F/T before getting a D, I ended it. Personally I think the 2nd T just hit him too close for comfort and he bailed.

So, here I am, having marked my 7th wedding anniversary last Thursday with a good cry, and now looking ahead to next month (May 9th) when I plan to file. I think I will file for LS first and of course legal custody of S4.5, and then roll it over to the big D after the 6 mos. period. I still want to feel like I've taken every step.

I am sad, but I have no hope left of reconciliation. H continues his A w/ Ow, continues w/ his lies and Goth lifestyle, and continues to live in denial. He is in la la land.

I am still grieving the loss which is more like a death because the H I see today barely resembles the man I married. The hard part is that he is still in my life because of our S4.5. My S remains the most important person to me and I will do anything to ensure his well-being and adjustment. It's just so darn hard sometimes to speak fondly about his daddy, but I have to. What's worse is having to hear from S about shared time w/ Ow and just being able to nod, smile and maybe utter a "oh, that's nice". But I absolutely refuse to legitimize H & Ow R by stooping to their level.

So, I'm going next month to the self service center at the courthouse for the free legal assistance. They will help me fill out all of the papers and then I believe there's a site right there to file. It's scary and so, so sad...

Does anyone have any advice about when/if to tell H that I am filing?? My thought is to wait until I've filed and then tell him before the paperwork actually gets to him. I don't want to "ambush" him, afterall, we still have our S to share, but I also don't want him to run out and file first. I used to think I wanted him to have to do the dirty work, but I think it will serve me and S4.5 better if I file for all the custody stuff and LS the way I want it.

H has been consistent about his visits (Wed eve, Sun all day), but usually includes Ow on Sun. I have so much resentment toward H and Ow I can hardly stand it, but my T, family, friends and God are walking me through it. Oh, and I've discovered what an incredibly strong woman I am.

I think you'll be seeing more of me again as I go through the filing process. Quite honestly I am still in shock that I am even in this position. It blows my mind that the man I married is gone, our wonderful life together is a memory, and my S will never have his parents/family together. It brings tears to my eyes.

I guess the good news is that I am doing well in other ways - my self-esteem is up, I feel strong, single motherhood is getting easier (more routine), my job is one I really like, I got a good tax refund and I'm actually attracted to other men again.

I know it will be a while before my heart heals enough to even consider a new R, but I have hope that someday I'll reach that point.

In the meantime, I am grateful for the support I have found here.

Check into your state laws about banning the ex from having your son around OW - at least sleepover wise. Here in MI the OW's ex in our sitch had papers drawn up that she could not have any sleepover men whenever she had the boys (but they are old enough to know if she did...) Just a thought!

Thanks Heartbroken.
I have a lot of research to do on all of this. I have some friends who have been through it, or at least similar sitch's, so I'm getting some good advice. Thanks again!

hey there, I've followed your sitch for a while and you've given it your all, keep standing strong, it is a shame your H never woke up from his daydreaming.
I think you are right by filing first and then tell him, just tell him right after you file, you are being a good person by not being vindictive.

I don't think there's any difference who files first, but from what you've described it sounds like you are ready for it, and I think by filing first it will help you feel even better about yourself. There's power to it. It's forcing the whole situation off the fence.

I agree with Cat about being a nice person and letting him know that you've done this. I've always found there's nothing to be gained in doing things that may be perceived as mean, but much more to be gained in kindness.

I would probably even present it as something I was doing for my husband. That I wanted him to be happy and giving him the freedom to move on in his life (even though I'd be doing it for me too!).

Good luck to you.

Monica,

you can send him a letter that he can sign, which waives his right to be served but he has to have that waiver notarized. IT'll save him from getting served at work, or any public humiliation and makes you look less petty. As for the legal Sep first, I can see why. If you have assets, I think at some point you do need a L to be involved, same with custody issues. This is not a do it yourself project IF you have kids and or substantial property. Sorry you are at this point.
j-

The first time my husband filed for divorce he had it sent in the mail. This made it easier and was less costly (although he didn't tell me about it and I did think that was really chicken$hit of him... so yes, it's probably best to let them know). The second time he told me he'd have it sent to me in the mail, kept putting it off, but then got angry at me about something and had it served immediately the next day. That was an ugly sitch, hopefully yours won't go that way.

In the meantime I hope you're preparing for the financial and legal aspects of divorce. Before you tell him or file I suggest you get your ducks completely lined up. Read some books about divorce and get to know your legal rights. Be sure you document any information (i.e. dates and details) about missed custody time, negative occurances with OW, etc... Although California doesn't recognize infidelity as a crime, most judges tend to look pretty negatively at shoddy parenting. That may help insure you get more custody.

By the way, if you're planning to change the LS to divorce in 6 months you are probably best just filing for D. I know you're thinking about going into this gradually but legally, I was told by numerous attorneys and a judge that it's best to just go with D. There are specific reasons why LS is the better choice, but I don't recall what they are. Keep in mind, divorce in California can take a long time. The quickest I know of amongst my friends was about 6 months (and that was a simple one, house sold, no alimony or child support because both parents had equal pay and custody), the general time frame seems to be anywhere from a year to two years. Although I do know of one woman who is on year 3 or 4 (after 5 I think I heard that it may become null and they'll have to refile).

Dear Monica and Running,

please double check those dates/timelines. The legal sep does protect you b/c neither of you can sell or mortgage marital assets without the other's consent. Also, you can continue to get health ins thru him, if you are doing so now. The delays in divorce courts are for two reasons: the docket itself, which is far less than a year, and second, and far more time consuming, is when the divorce itself is attached to the property settlement. You can check about bifurcating those two issues so that on one hand, marital status changes, while on the other hand, you can continue to negotiate a settlement. If there isn't a lot of property, and custody is really going to be "joint" legal custody while you have primary "physical" custody, then it's somewhat cut and dried. You'll alternate holidays, diff years, etc. It's gross, I know. And I feel for you. I really do.

I filed for a sep b/c I wasn't ready to file for divorce at that time. It prevented my H from making "investments" up in Alaska, thank God. If he had done so, against the court order, I'd have legal recourse. But I've since withdrawn the sep and we are in a reconciliation phase now. I only know in MY case and OUR M, if I had filed for divorce it likely would have made it harder for us to come back together. I cannot think of a way that filing for a sep hurts you, except if you end up paying for both a sep and a divorce, if that is how it ultimately ends. To me, it's not that expensive considering what is at stake. That presumes you are getting charged a reasonable rate by your L. If there isn't that much property, and custody isn't likely to be a big issue, it won't be terribly complicated. In California, there are guidelines, which are not binding but are almost always followed (obviously, for example, if you have a disabled child the court would take that into consideration as to support). The guidelines are actually a bit complex but there is software that does it. I hesitate to say much in detail b/c I don't want this to substitute as true legal advice.

At the very least, make an appointment with a L and pay for an hour of their time to at least come up with a plan. Have questions written down in advance to make the most of your time. Good luck,
j-

Hummmm.... perhaps your right there. I just know my lawyer recommended against is, but he was relatively expensive so perhaps that played into it. I just know he recommended divorce over LS if the outcome was going to be divorce. Of course, if divorce can be avoided I think that's always the wisest choice.

Good luck to you J.

Dear Running,

Of course the separation is a waste of time and a divorce should be filed IF WE CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE AND KNOW THAT'S HOW IT'S GOING TO END ANYWAY....

Can't believe the L didn't "get" that you actually do not want a divorce....so, umm, yes, IF you somehow KNOW a divorce is inevitable, the only advantage to a separation over divorce, that I can think of, is health insurance (and any theological reasons.) But the whole point of this bb is trying Not to divorce. But, doesn't mean you can't protect yourself or the kids of course. There may well come a time when the gloves come off and you need to put your battle armor on, with your sabre rattling. But if that time is not now, or might not ever come, what IS the rush?

Is there a "happy" medium (ok, not a "happy" one, since this sucks all round) or balanced approach? For ME, the legal sep felt as if I was doing something to protect kids and me and slow H's nuttiness down a bit. It did not make him want to reconcile, it made him Mad. (I know,, wth???!!!) BUT, at some level, he took me seriously a bit more, I think...

Anyhow, when I got to the L's office that day, she was the one who said, "what about a sep instead? I think you still love the guy and maybe you two can work it out...I'd love to give you this retainer back..."

As an attorney myself, I will ALWAYS remember her kindness and wisdom and balanced approach to a difficult position for a L. We are advocates for clients who see ourselves in adversarial proceedings...but in family law, it is very different, or should be. I thank God I had her as my L... BUT again, that was MY sitch. Yours may be very different.
j-