Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Can you help the Brue my friends? PLEASE READ.

Too many questions for tonight Brue. Tonight you are just gathering data and listening to him.

I think that you should also focus on what would a functional and satisfying marriage look like to you?

If I were in your shoes the only way I would allow H to move back would be if we agreed to really work together to rebuild our marriage by doing the following things:

1. we go to weekly couples counceling.
2. We schedule regular date nights to keep the romance up and we take turns planning date night.
3. We schedule regular times to discuss things that are on our minds and wait until those times to discuss them rather than ambushing each other with issues at inoportune times.
4. We work toward intimacy in the bedroom and work at pleasing each other in new ways. We get and read books about this (Tantra baby!).
5. We remain open and truthful and allow each other to have our feelings without taking it personally.
6. We have regularly scheduled alone time
7. We have regularly scheduled time with friends.
8. We read relationship books together in bed at night (Passionate Marraige, Getting the Love you Want, 5 Love languages, Mars/Venus, etc).
9 We do one relationship weekend seminar at some point.
10. We find one activity that we both like that we will do together.

YOu get the idea.

YOu are the one in charge here. You can say yes or no and you can designate the terms. The terms should be about building a better and stronger marriage and if that is what he wants he doesn't need to answer all your questions with words. Instead he will be willing to do what needs doing to repair and rebuild your marriage and he will show you with his actions his good intentions.

Don't settle for less than you deserve but also let him know that you appreciate his willingness to try and that you believe with a little work and effort you can have sonmething better and more passionate than you had before.

XOXOXO
Althea

Mother, that is an excellent list. I'm going to copy it for what I hope is in my future!

brue,

good morning. how did it go? Please let us know. I for one love you and want to hear.

Hugs.
AH

tap tap tap tap....

so, are you gonna post, or what....

tap tap tap.

((((Brue)))).
AH

The worst part of asking all your friends for prayer is trying to write down all the details the next day. It just takes too dammmmm long. I love the way Lissett writes her encounters out for us - very Cuban - like. Short, mis-spelled, adorable sentences that we understand no matter what she is talking about.

Our discussion lasted somewhere between 4 and 5 hours. I did talk about it in depth to my sister-in-law today. She is my favorite of his bros and sis (5 bros, 3 sis) - and I asked her not to say a word to the family yet. I just wanted her take in what I was saying. She actually made me feel better - so that my frame of mind is better now than I think it was this morning.

H actually answered my questions with a lot of thot behind them. He even said out loud on his own accord that these past 14 months have definitely been all about him and nothing else.

and he said he had to view me outside of the marriage. it was the only way for him to get an accurate (or better) look at the picture.

He wants to be connected......doesn't want to live alone.....doesn't want to sleep alone. He's seen what's on the other side - the grass is not greener......nor did he ever think it was - he just had felt he had lost his best friend over the years (me) and when we were trying to work things out before other things were getting in the way at that time that clouded his vision. He couldn't work on things properly (cuz he was falling in love with someone else - which he didn't say - but we both knew that was clouding the picture).

Since we've been "dating" he's been observing and liking all that's been happening. He admits he talks all about himself to me cuz I had said I support what he's doing so he figured he could at least talk to me about all his dreams, thots, blah, blah, blah. He said he thot he tries not to do that with everyone else he talks to.

He wants to continue the music effort - doesn't know for how long. Doesn't matter to me, really. It never did.

He does have concerns about coming back and losing his creativity.

he has concerns that things will be what they were before tho he seems to see that I am a different person.

at one point when I gave him my thots about the last year and the joy and contentment I have found on my own with God - he answered with "Brue, you've gone beyond me......perhaps there is no room for me to come back into your life" ... or something along that line.

He wants connection, the music, a companion.........

I asked how there would be an "us" in all of this. He said that comes being willing to work on us but that he hoped I wouldn't make him choose me or the music - not both.

he knows better than that. but i did ask the "what if I got really ill and had to be taken care of........what then?

then, he said, that is when you put the music on the back burner and he hoped that i knew that even if something would have happened to me this past year that he would have been here for me if I needed that.

interesting talk. so much more......i'm sure it'll come in bits and pieces.

so LISSETT - I'm guessin' the captain will be comin' home. Apparently he had to write a note of his intentions to leave 30 days before the lease was up.

He had written the note.

i said "you wrote a note to them ending the lease when you hadn't even talked to me about this yet?"

he just kind of smiled and said yes.

but he did say "if it makes you feel better, i did find out that I can stay from month to month if I want."

ok then.

so he stayed the nite.

and as usual.......i didn't sleep.

this was kind of cute in a way - i said that it doesn't bother me if he gets up in the middle of the nite and works on his music all nite long. i just want to know when I can't sleep if i can do the same - since it's an issue for him when I'm not in bed with him.

he said "sure you can...as long as I don't know about it!" hmmmmmmmmm......... we'll just have to see how that all goes.

i really sleep much better alone.....he worries that it's because of him i can't sleep.

i told him - i wouldn't be able to sleep with anyone...noise - the slightest noise - and i'm awake half the nite.

needless to say........i haven't missed his snoring AT ALL.

so i got up this morning and have been dragging all day from lack of sleep - and we were in bed by midnite.

when i told my sister in law that her brother would like to come home - she noticed my tone of voice was not jumping up and down with glee.

that's what made me feel guilty.....but she said that if i called and told her that and was all "yippy-skippy" about it she'd know i wasn't dealing with reality. that made me feel better.

the more i think about it all day....

the more i think it will be ok.

but i sure do like my peace and quiet.

but God gives great blessings........and i'm sure there can be many in the future months.

not to be morbid......but i did tell him that i have had thots of him dying........and that i should be the one who is by his side holding his hand - that that's the way it should be. He nodded his head.

we shall see what we shall see. your prayers were evident. we have good conversations now. that's one major change that has happened this year.


and..........happy news........my accountant got my income down to 0. ZERO I TELL YOU. And I refused to file jointly this year. I owe NOTHING..........I Will be getting back what my church job and little college music job put in......and I will NOT be responsible for whatever H owes this year.

you have no idea what a relief that is for me. and H is dealing with that just fine.

I told you guys I was living only by the grace of God!!! But what better way is there to live?

brueski

SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

it all boils down to the Captian is coming home

HA

WAit until I visit!

Oh Brueski, yay you!

You really are living by the grace of God!

You're my inspiration! You accept things and deal with them. I know I don't have to say always remember the person you have become while the Captain was gone. That person is who we all love, the Cap. too!

I'm happy for you. I'm not surprised at all that you weren't jumping up and down. You're a realist. You know this will take some getting used to--give and take.

I'm sending you a hug and a kiss on both cheeks . . .
Sun

Yipppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

(((brue))).
AH

He's truly coming home. I guess I can tell that to all who ask. He'll be home this week.

I asked him today why he was coming home? I won't write all the details but I will say the following:

He said it was time to come home.

He said he was glad that I had never closed the door to that option.

and he said as he observed it all from being outside the marriage - "you did it right, Anne".

He also said that the first few weeks when he left he built a hedge around him to separate him from me because when he looked at the picture it was hard to really find fault in what I had done to make him leave........it wasn't me.

I have kept my mouth shut since the day he walked out the door.

I have asked for nothing.

I have laid no blame-tho there was blame that could have been put all over the place.

i think this has made it a quicker recovery time.

perseverance, patience.

if he leaves again........i will be alright.

i don't believe he'll leave again.

brue

Oh Brue I am so happy for you both. Too much to post right now...but God bless and Godspeed.

Love,
Mickey

Awesome Brue

Now the real work begins. Take it one day at a time. Continue to GAL and come here to vent. You will need both to keep your sanity.