Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Could Use Some Input Over here

I didn't want to be "just the mom," but felt that that was what I was supposed to be doing.
Well, almost everyone wants to be more than just the ______

(June cleaver) and that's not me AT ALL. (Ok, showing my age)
How about "the lone Ranger pre-TV, on radio? Now I am showing my age.

June Cleaver is a myth like Betty Crocker, a composite of "Ideals" do you want to hear what my ideal W would look and act like. I won't tell you. She might exist but I stilll have the W I married in 1968. Ideals are for TV programs, with writers, editors, acting coaches, ratings experts. I don't know any marriages that have that large a staff.

I still likes Ozzy & AC/DC
I like Queen, ELO, James Last, a few Operas, many classical, and some performers before my time. Moms, dads, W's and H's can like a variety of music.

I am hopeful that w/ all of the positive changes
Good, but know most improvements like you are having now, there can be times when it is back to the old R with you or your H feeling low. Don't let the lows bother you so much and if it happens or you want to log your progress, post on the forum anytime.

thanks for any input and all the advice that has been given. I truly appreciate it!!!!
Some of my suggestions are light duty or what work or didn't work for me. Lots of good advice from some more knowledgable people than me if you want it and stick around.

If I may suggest some books, the first one would be to read the host of this web site book, "The Divorce Remedy" by Michelle W Davis. Look at the home page and snoop in the on-line store. I bought the "Keep Love Alive" (KLA) CD set for $50. I listen to the CD's but my W doesn't. same with the books I bought.

Other books by John Gottman and David Schnarch are forun favorites.

If you want a book list and some links to MP3/iPOD audio that is downloadable. someone can post those links too.

Think of books as helpers and or ammunition to keep the progress going. Don't rule out counseling, even if it is for one person in the R. I go.

Lou

Cadesmom,

You've got to read these posts between Alimari and I. Ali's Quandry

Then read these posts about her success. Ali'sSuccess

Sounds to me like if you release that caged wild sexual goddess within you, it could help take your M over the top. Hope this helps!

God Bless,

COG

I am "releasing the caged animal" and it seems to be helping a whole lot in our M. H is definitely coming around in all areas (I think -- still no R talk from me!!).

Lou, thanks for all your input. I know you didn't expect answers, but I was kind of "thinking out loud" in response to your inquiries.

I did hit a low spot last night. I just got so tired of DB'ing all of a sudden, but I think it was just b/c I was so tired period. He made a comment and I went from about 60 to 0 in 1 second. He noticed too so I tried to get back to where I needed to be and things are fine today.

Won't be here over the weekend. H doesn't know anything about this website & I'm keeping it that way.

I'll check back in on Monday. One other note for those of you who don't know me from piecing, H is leaving on May 1 for a year deployment!! His movers came yesterday and I think it's finally hitting home. I am still keeping PMA that this year will actually be good for us. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and hopefully he will have time to finally look at himself and our sitch from a different viewpoint than he has been (everything has been my fault up to this point).

I still have no doubts that the D bomb happened for us at the exact time it needed to -- I definitely needed a wake up call, just wish it didn't have to be this extreme, but I've learned and am still learning and certainly will never forget lessons learned!

Cadesmom34,

Are you two in a pursuer/avoider type relationship? It sounds a little like that to me. If so, then even though you avoided him before (because of kids, being tired, and plenty of other excuses), what you may have really wanted was the pursuit from him. That gave you security. So when your H stops pursuing, you are left without that comfort and now your sex drive is ramping up in order to get that comfort back. What I wonder is when you do get enough sex to quell your abandonment fears, will your drive mysteriously fall off and you go back into avoider mode?

His deployment is interrupting this cycle, so you won't have very long for the connection that would otherwise make you anxious. While he is gone, you might be really missing him, after all, his is not there to pursue you. The danger, if my hypothesis has any merit, will be when he returns. If you get overwhelmed then, and reject him, you might create some irreversible damage. So try to work through your stuff while he is gone and avoid that potential future disaster.

This is just another type of dysfunction, surely from some FOO issue. Without doubt, he has reciprocal issues to deal with. The more you understand, the more you will be able to fix them. Have you read Laura Schlessinger's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands?"

I really don't think so, b/c I get more turned on if I know I'm kind of "in control."

I posted another thread. I'm very concerned about the fact that he did not "O" yesterday a.m. This happened one other time and his excuse is he had to pee. The first time it happened, he ended up getting really upset about it later & said it had never happened before.

When it happened again yesterday, he hadn't yet & then again said he had to pee really bad. This time I told him that it really bothers me when he doesn't and he said "really, babe, I truly had to pee really bad" and never got upset about it at all. I guess I'm very insecure right now w/ our R and this truly bothers me a lot.

I guess we could also take into consideration the fact that we are ML A LOT now (pretty much every day or every other day) whereas before he would "O" immediately b/c we never ML hardly at all. It just bothers me that it takes him a lot longer and now he doesn't even at all.

Please give me some input here -- I guess I don't know what to think about this!!! I'm worried!!

Ok, where's Lou, where is everybody. I'm really concerned about this & need a guy's perspective.

Is it ok w/ a guy to "have a good time" for quite awhile, feeling good (and he did ask how many times I had "o'd" - twice) before he stopped - but he never had "O" and this is all new to me.

Like I said, I'm still so insecure in our R and this bothers me -- can this be ok for a guy? Can this be normal for a guy?

Like I said, I'm still so insecure in our R and this bothers me -- can this be ok for a guy? Can this be normal for a guy?
Cadesmom34

I am not on AD's but know they change things. Calm down a bit.

About having to pee, hum? I know there is morning wood and having to pee. There is drinking a lot of cafinated beverages and having to pee frequently. Two different situations.

If I have to pee a little, may be my "O" comes a litle quicker. If I have to pee all of a sudden because of too many cafinated beverages, well, that is an uncomfortable state to be in. Sometimes I get a 2 minuet warning after drinking 3 cokes. I don't think I could "O" at times like that. I would relieve myself and start over. But I am not having sex everyday or every other day.

If you guys are having sex daily and your H is on AD, expect some changes.

I've never had the pee problem, so I can't comment on that. The lack of O, I can comment on though.

I've never had frequent, or even semi-regualr sex with W, but during my A, I was having sex at least once a day - frequently more than once. When I was doing it regularly, my stamina increased greatly. There were also times when I didn't O. Not a lot, but some. We would go at it until we were both so physically tired that we just couldn't keep it up any longer. She would have had several O's, but I wouldn't. It didn't seem to bother her, and it didn't bother me in the least.

I've seen several of the women on this board saying that they can still enjoy it and don't need to O every time. That's exactly how it was with me. I felt perfectly satisfied without the O. Now if this was (or in your case 'is') the case all the time, I would think that there may be other things at play. It could be the AD, but not having any experience in that area, I wouldn't know. I just want to say that not having an O is not necessarily a problem for men any more than it's a problem for women. It's probabably more uncommon, but it's not necessarily a problem.

Bube

Thank you, thank you! I am feeling better about this. No, it doesn't happen all the time. It's just been those 2 times and the first time was quite a while ago so knowing the above helps -- I think it was a combo of "going & going" til physically exhausted & having to pee.

I guess I just "assumed" (which we all know is bad) that a guy just always has an "O." I've been in relationships before where I NEVER had an "O" so when/if I don't, it doesn't bother me a bit, but I just thought a guy always did.

Cadesmom, needing to urinate not only can make it difficult to ejaculate, it can be darned uncomfortable.

MrsNOP -