Ok, thanks. I'm going to do it b/c you are right, I need to know and I'll feel better knowing, but it scares the [censored] out of me though.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I wish you the very best in your efforts. Please let us know how you fare.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Thanks. I think I need to just get it done so that either way we have time to deal w/ the convo and what comes of it. I don't want to wait until the night before he leaves or something. Maybe I'm getting worked up over nothing. Like I said, I'm just still so insecure in the R since he dropped the bomb, that I don't ever know what to expect anymore.
Ok, I'll take someone else's line that I read today -- "I'm not going to wait for the other shoe to drop anymore, I'm just going to go barefoot!!"
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I feel sick to my stomach today. I did not talk to H last night b/c he came home in a "different" mood than has been the norm for us lately -- things had been going very well.
I tend to think it has to do w/ the OW (EA) who, if I'm correct in who I think it is, works w/ him and so I think something was said/done yesterday that had an affect on H. He just seemed different, like he was pulling away again or something.
I called him @ work this a.m. to see if he could meet me at home for lunch and some other misc. things and when we got off the phone, he didn't say ILY which makes me think she was somewhere in the vicinity and he just sounded distant, not quite cold, but close.
NOP: need some advice on EA's. I know that I can't necessarily do anything -- he is the one who is going to have to finally see that it is damaging to our R and M and make some changes or quit talking to her, etc., but is there anything I should be doing in this sitch? I still just don't understand what they are still talking about. If he's still telling her things are not good between us, wouldn't that make him feel guilty as things have been going very well? What is it that he still needs from her or is getting from her that I'm not giving?
Like I said, I just feel sick right now b/c I just don't know what's going on. I certainly hope we're not on a backslide or he is allowing himself to go back to thinking that we're not going to make it for some reason. I know that we can make it if he would just put his heart into it and not continue to allow certain things to go on that are damaging us and not allowing us to move on together.
HELP!!!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Quote: ----------------------------------------------------------- NOP: need some advice on EA's. I know that I can't necessarily do anything -- he is the one who is going to have to finally see that it is damaging to our R and M and make some changes or quit talking to her, etc., but is there anything I should be doing in this sitch? I still just don't understand what they are still talking about. If he's still telling her things are not good between us, wouldn't that make him feel guilty as things have been going very well? What is it that he still needs from her or is getting from her that I'm not giving? -----------------------------------------------------------
There are lots of things you can do. Give me some details, everything you know about her (except real name of course).
Does she work with him in the military?
What proof do you have of the affair?
Does she have a husband, kids, parents?
That kind of thing.
Some people believe that you just be your best self and wait for the affair to die a natural death. Others believe that you can take a more proactive stance. What you do depends on how far out there you are willing to put yourself.
An emotional affair is simply a romantic affair that hasn't been physically consummated. That means that he is letting someone else meet his needs. That is also likely the reason that he is reluctant to let you meet them. Some people are "cake eaters". They like the drama of having two people fight for them.
If you want me to help you with your situation, you will have to give me as much information as you can about your relationship and the affair. You will also need to let me know what your boundaries are toward forcing the breakup of the affair.
Even if you don't want to do any of that, I will be glad to make general suggestions and support you through this.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Ok, start w/ her -- yes, she's in the military. she has 1 little boy, not sure if she was ever married to the dad, but H told me awhile back that she was trying to get back together w/ ex and "likes black guys" (no offense to anyone). Not sure where her family is. I also found a credit card statement for $60 worth of flowers and called the florist and found out he sent them to her (this was back in January). Note said "wish I could be there. H" I confronted him about it. At first he tried to say it was probably something the office had done for one of the co-workers w/ a death in the family or something so I said I know they were for OW and he said ok, fine, we're really good friends. she reminds me of my sister (he's very close w/ his sister). She needed a pick me up -- that was it.
He actually later told me that he had "a friend that was a girl that he had been talking to about our M (for how long I don't know) and that he started "liking" her." Said he did not have sex w/ her. I am "assuming" it is this particular woman b/c I have found her ## on his cell and at the house incoming and outgoing numerous times, mostly daily and always during the day or when I'm not @ home. I did notice the last time I snooped that the calls seemed to have gone down in #, but I have not confronted him so I don't truly know what is going on. He has actually been mentioning her in passing as far as work goes & such, by name, and she even sent home a bag of hand me downs for our boys. He calls her "Sgt. So & So" and not by first name when he talks about her.
I honestly have been doing everything I can to patch things up in our M and give him everything he needs. Daily or every other day ML, talking to him, asking him questions about his interests, things going on w/ work, daily life, etc. Always being very affectionate, if he's working at his computer or whatever, I will go over and kiss the back of his neck or things along those lines. He no longer does anything around the house -- I have been doing it all -- laundry, cooking, everything (and I have taken this in the stance that when he leaves I am going to have to do everything anyway, so . . ) I have not gotten at all upset or resentful w/ him or at him for not doing anything around the house. He has worked A LOT in the yard, getting it ready for when he leaves so it won't be a lot of work for me. I have also started helping in the yard, spending time w/ him doing that. Getting movies, spending time w/ him in the evenings and weekend nights after boys go to bed. I went shooting w/ him the other day.
I have no idea what he is getting from her -- especially now that things seem to be going so well for us.
I also have no idea how she feels and/or felt about him -- whether she is still trying to get back w/ ex or started having feelings for my H or what.
Not sure of my boundaries. I do know that I would never call her or confront her, as I am not going to do anything that will just end up making him angry. Not sure what other suggestions you may have.
I guess I just can't believe that a man & woman can be "just friends" when married, especially when H had been talking to her all the time about our M problems. I wonder what he is telling her now, if anything, about our M. If he's still acting like we're separated, doesn't he feel guilty about that? Especially w/ all the effort and love I have put into putting us back together?
Thanks guys. This is just really bothering me. However, he did call me back and had legit reasons for not being able to meet me at home for lunch and asked if "everthing was going ok" in a concerned manner and said ILY, etc.
Maybe I'm allowing myself to get overly worried about nothing, but I just wonder what is going to happen if he still keeps talking to her while he's gone. I mean he would be able to sit there for hours on the phone w/ her if he wanted to.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Quote: -------------------------------------------------------- I guess I just can't believe that a man & woman can be "just friends" when married, especially when H had been talking to her all the time about our M problems. I wonder what he is telling her now, if anything, about our M. If he's still acting like we're separated, doesn't he feel guilty about that? Especially w/ all the effort and love I have put into putting us back together? --------------------------------------------------------
If he is discussing marital issues with a person of the opposite sex, not for purposes of professional therapy, then you have a problem. I don't believe in "just friends" when that friendship crosses the aforementioned boundary. If you need to see what a professional thinks about the issue, then you can read "NOT Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass.
As for your efforts, they may be substantial, but if he isn't in a frame of mind to notice, then he won't. As to what he SHOULD do, he wont do the right thing, not as long as his sense of entitlement is out of whack.
The military has a code of ethics, and most branches frown on affairs. A call to her CO and his, could stop the behavior in its tracks, but it can also get him in trouble. That is why I wanted to know how far you are willing to push.
Quote: -------------------------------------------------- Not sure of my boundaries. I do know that I would never call her or confront her, as I am not going to do anything that will just end up making him angry. Not sure what other suggestions you may have. --------------------------------------------------
The only thing I can suggest to you with the above in mind is for you to read Michele's "Divorce Remedy". Her approach is more passive and should be a good fit for you.
One word of caution. If you allow yourself to be controlled by fear of your husband getting mad at your attempts to save the marriage, then be careful that you don't damage your own sense of self in the process. I know you feel guilty about your contributions to the marriage, but you are going to have to put that behind you if you are going to fight to win back your husband.
Regardless of what method or mix of ideas you use to try and win back your husband, don't ever let yourself be treated like a doormat. No marriage is worth losing yourself over. Besides that, needy, grabby, desperate, doormat behavior is repulsive to most people, even when they are wayward. What really sucks is that often a wayward spouse will take advantage of such behaviors. So not only do you end up driving them away via undesirable behaviors, but they use you up in the process. Not a pretty picture.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Ok, I'm being honest here, I already have lost a lot of my sense of self, self respect, etc. I am so very insecure and have the feeling that I'm not "good enough" or "enough" for H. All of this, I KNOW, is not true, however, I still FEEL this way.
I know that I need to get to the place where I can talk to my H about our R and maybe even the OW, however, since we have been "piecing" for such a short period of time and he is leaving in less than 2 wks, I am so scared of what may occur if I do talk to him, i.e., he will end up getting mad or end up telling me that he still wants a D or something else along these lines.
However, things have been going so well for us. He has been talking long-term in regard to our M and us. It's like nothing ever happened, except I have these trust issues and issues communicating about our R (oh and he still isn't wearing his ring).
I don't think any of my behavior is needy, etc. -- I think everything about my "efforts" are nothing but desirable and have not been made to seem forced at all.
It's not that I'm not taking advice, I honestly am just so scared to bring anything up, bottom line.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Personally, I feel if you have to walk on egg shells for the rest of your life because you don't want to upset him, then you don't have much of a R anyway do you?
I have got some incredible advice on this board but you also have to remember, one size DOES NOT fit all. I have also questioned some of the (what I would call) good advice and had to go with my gut feeling. Most of the time, my gut knows me (and my H) better than people on this board. Would I want anything different? Of course not. We are here to vent, to bounce things around, to get different opinions of something. But, bottom line, YOU are the only one that truly knows your stich and what will and won't work.
If your sitch is eating at you so much that you are going to worry yourself sick for the year he is gone, what good is that? If you discuss what is eating at you and he explodes - that pretty much tells you something doesn't it? Only you know where the boundaries are, only you can set them. I have a certain set of boundaries. I know they are more conservative than my H's are. But, together, we are trying to work towards a place somewhere in the middle - that's what R/M are all about, two people willing to compromise their "wants" to accommodate the other's "needs"
Only you can decide which way you want to go
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
