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Sorry your h told you you were sickeningly skinny. That is just how your frame is built and you cant change it. Like wise my H told me I was too "large" shortly before we reconciled , to wear pants he saw in a catalog. It took all I had in me not to say well sorry I am not like the WH*R&. I saw a pair of her jeans DOUBLE . One of my legs would fit in the whole thing. And now he cant get enough of my booty??!~


So no offense to you sweetie that you are tiny. I am 5'4.5" so I am not very tall either and I unlike you will not post my weight. But I have a big chest and a large bottom ~ strange how they chose exact opposites in figures compared to us, HUH? Well honey do not let it bother you, I held onto comparing myself for far tooooooooooooooooooooooooo long and even if I starved myself I can never look like that , I have 119 lbs of just pure muscle! ( had my body fat measured) For years I have been trying just to be comfortable in my own skin and now I am learning to embrace my curves likewise you need to embrace who you are and be sexy. If and when you exude confidence he will be mush ! I think we all have beauty it is just we are always taught to somehow judge ourselves against one another and our society is so caught up in this one size is best mentality. I hope you can start to open up more too on the ML part,,, it is hard and it wil come with time. I told my H to give me more time and he said well how long do you want me to wait? I wanted to say for as long as it takes me to get over the OW BS buddy! But of course I canot say that so I said I was working on it and now instead of just working on it I am doing it. You will probably need more time Cissy from what I read this morning in your post right now you are still going thru alot and if you had stillettos on that nite.
I am sure you had all you could do not to throw it at his head! My H said some crazy SH*T toooooooooooo when he was coming down of his tempoary fix with her... he even had me listen to a message she left him cause he was avoiding her calls.. OMG!
WOW I know God helped on those days Cause I never once yelled or I did get angry some and just told him what I was feeling! The old me would have blown up like a VOLCANO.
~ A MIRACLE pretty much... That I did not lose my cool . I also realized that I was above their F&(*((ED UP BS! I let him deal with her and once when she called at nite and I was fed up with it ,similiar to you last nite ,I said that it was enough..... They are relentless though.. they have NO MORALS OR INTEGRITY!
Insert more faces. Surely someone must have hit them upside the head for them to be so foolish and decide to take OW in the first place. OOOH wow I have to take a deep breath cause I really am feling physically sick after posting this.... EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW~ Too much. All my best to you honey,, keep your head up high!

God bless...

I am trying hard not to hold my breath.....
BREATHE ------------------------>>> ALI BREATHE!
My H is going to be leaving Mexico today.. and he has called me 2 times already..... I miss him soooo much and yet today I am filled with anxiety. I am excited and nervous and this chocolate chip cookie ( I made ) tastes so good. Well I am inhaling it but yes it still tastes good. I took my kids to the YMCA yesterday and lifted wieghts for close to an hour and I just ate those calories in 45 seconds.... OH WELL!
So my house is more organized than it has ever been and I am in better shape than I have been in awhile and I still feel like a teenager with a HUGE CRUSH AND SWEATY PALMS YUCK! My heart is even racing some sheesh Ali calm yourslef down.... and I got my LOVELY "P" on Friday so I am hoping that by the time he arrives it is done..... now I really so sound like a teenager.....UUGGHH~


I think I need to breathe,, that will most likely help! he has been gone almost 2 months now,, and I missed him alot and now it seems like I took a deep breath and he is coming back already.
I hope my enthusiasm and my eagerness to see him shows when he arives,, cause I always seem to freeze up when he comes home after being away. And yes keep mental note he most likely has the dreaded tattoo..........
Thanks COG... this will surely help me not look like someone hit me over the head with a cast iron pan when he takes off his shirt!
I am going to go do something to keep me busy and put on some Corrine Bailey Rae and some Kirk Franklin and John Legend too to keep my sprits up ad then listen to some Latin music too. and hope fully catch my breath too. Is it really supposed to be so complicated? sheesh.... Thanks you all for being there for me.
God bless...

2 months. That is a long time. I would have to tell myself to breath, too. I am excited for you!

So, are you going to run up to him and throw your arma around him... (you know, like in the movies - ;))
Actually I would be literaly shaking when I would see my H after not seeing him for 2 months. (Oh, wait that did happen to me after not see him for 1 month, really - )

Tell us how it goes. I am in suspense!
Take care

Well last nite my Honey called me @ close to 12 am.
((central time. In Mexico they have not changed the clocks yet so it was almost 11pm..)) Anyway my S15 brings me the phone and I am sleeping of course.
I say hello and the first thing I say is where are you? (thinking he is on the road..)
And he says in his Baby voice he uses with me alone " I am still here."

UuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggggggggggggHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I wanted to scream ( I am a reformed control freak...) and I just played along and said you big dork what are you doing there when you are supposed to be on your way here? And he said I know I am sorry..

he said he would call me in the morning and he promised he would be leaving TODAY. and I said teasing him back are you sure?? Cause if you dont leave tomorrow ,,, when you call I wont answer the phone I will throw it out the window ya know with my great Wisconsin accent and half asleep mind you... and he just laughed and said OK OK....

He called me @ 7:30 this morning and he was being sweet and flirting incessantly with me. He told me he would be leaving in a little while but he was going to sleep some more... so he was just calling me to say hi... How sweet.
He also told me he will be staying with his cousin who lives in a border town tonite and then try to drive straight thru here. I said well that sounds like a good idea and a tiny part of me felt insecure... But I took a deep breath and never let on.

THE OW lives less than an hour away.
But if I live in reality ~
which I do~

I know that she ( OW ) is friends with my SIL and that she could have talked to him on the phone when she calls the parents house etc. etc.
(My H was staying with his parents and my SIL lives there too.) Or she could have went to visit too. So just the proximity makes me a little nauseuos.I KNOW it is going to be ok but it just takes me back to last year around this time.

I do appreciate him telling me his itinerary. He has changed alot. He never used to tell me much. Yuck.

~~~~ b/c last year around this time.... (April 14- May 1st. to be exact)
He went to Mexico and he never even told me or invited the kids or I.
It took me 3 days to track him down like a was a P.I.,, I was worried sick.

He picked up OW on his way to his parents house for his sister.
I spoke to him for over an hour and he claimed he was not with anyone but not going to fight for this M that he had been fighting too long.
I was mortified b/c he had just had an EA from January 15 to Feb 14 and I had just found out about that one shortly before and then this.
He dropped her ( OW) off on his way back into the country... started his affair with her and dropped the bomb on me.
So as it is getting closer to those days I dunno why but I feel strange... not like it is going to repeat itself but like I need to hold my breath until those days go by.
Yes I know not very rational ~
Have any of you ever felt this way?

Anyway back to present time.. he just called again and said he bought me all the Mexican Candy I wanted.
Some cheese too and other treats. This is a first for him he never has done this , not once!
On his way down he asked me what I wanted but he usually does this and then he never follows thru. But this time when he left he had a different enthusiasm about his voice when he asked like he actually meant it and was not just saying it.Then just a week ago he asked me if I wanted anything in particular? And I told him candy and lots of it.. I love mexican Candy.
This alone even though gifts are not my LL.. means so much to me that he followed thru and took time to do something for me.
Scary really....
When he called this morning he said he was going to x, y, z and &((*(*%^$%# me til I could not take anymore..... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH

Now that is more like it. I guess my hard work is paying off and being more secure is paying off too.
I still need to keep working on me though.. I have to keep that present in my mind and not fall back into old patterns...
GOD bless....

Ali, Hey, I'd be a little afraid too, don't beat yourself up about that, but don't let that fear hold you back. But YOU are a lioness, fear NOTHING! Oh you are one sly minx. You've got him hooked. Cheese and candy? For a guy to take the time to do that means ALOT! Don't give in too easy, make him work a little, and THEN give it all!!! This is better than a steamy novel. Good work Ali! You deserve all the blessings for your courage, strength and faith.

God Bless,

COG

I am feeling well today and I am trying to concentrate and see that it is going to be ok and I need to relax some. I am going to finish cleaning the house today. I have gotten alot better with my organization since my H went on his vacation. This used to be a reason for me not to have time for H .. I have stuff to do ...to clean... etc. etc. not anymore.. that was a bad habit.

I have to remember what he said that he left cause I WAS NOT giving him what he needed from me. I also think he just needed a break . .I had been telling him for years he was working tooooo hard and going to burn out. He never listened. And he was wound up tighter than ...
And SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO he told me to get my hiny in gear so that I would focus on that instead of dwelling on that he was gone. Possibly~

I am thinking and Hoping ~
that hopefully the real hard parts have been passed thru and now I need to focus on today and let myself enjoy what I have worked for and to stay positive. I am doing much better on not looking back and focusing on the hurt,, I am looking forward to being happier and loving him and him being more vulnerable. not so " Macho". I am continuing to lead and I know that for a long time he told me he wants me to be strong and someone to inspire and support him. For a long time I could not do that cause I had little strength in myself and alot less faith than I should have.
I have grown more and will continue to work on me b/c that has helped me tremendously and our R too. He likes the Improved version of me alot.Just yesterday he told me to put a message on his cell phone.
"Sound Happy !!!!" he said....
I said " HEY! .. I think I sound alot happier than I used to!!!! So I am sure in the message I will do fine!"
He agreed!
YEAH!!!!!!!!
So again I hope that I have been thru the real hard parts and it will start to ease up some. I need to work on not getting lost in old patterns and just thinking oh everything is ok and I can just stay in this place. I have come to realize you cannot get tooooo comfortabe amd you need to keep moving. You do not have to be on your toes every five minutes but you need to be aware that if it gets stale it is not good.
I am nervous but I know that I have the strength now to do this.
Thanks to you all for your emotional support it is as though the words come off the screen and give me BIG HUG and give me strength to keep going. God bless you all.......
Take care and God bless....

Ok, I didn't read the rest of your posts yet, but had to stop at the "he said he was going to xy z #%$^$%^". Very nice. Your hard work has paid off. I am jealous!!!!!
Going to read the rest of your posts now.

You are right, it can get stale. We have to find that happy medium between on your toes all the time and stale. That's the hard part, right? Staying out out of the old patterns takes work. I have learned that, too. God Bless you, too and keep us posted.

Thanks Cissy you are a doll...
Well so far I know he is headed this way. He called me this morning and seemed in good spririts. He stayed with his cousin last nite, in a border town ,near Mexico. I knew he might be headed to the Border and I was not feeling so good last nite, I think I am getting a head cold, just great! So i decided to go to bed early with my kids. He called me 2 times and said he would calL later and he did not,, when he called I was sleeping. when I hung up with him, I went right back to sleep. He said his sister was with him. And you know I never thought of the OW ~
I am soooooooooooooooo proud of that.
Even though they are inseperable.
Why does this have to be so? Why did he get involved with someone who will always seem to be a part of our lives? UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!


I was ok though and actually slept well. In the past I would have had Major Anxiety etc. etc........

So anyway his cousin and I used to talk alot and she called me this afternoon and just a bit ago and told me ((( I did not ask~ )) that my SIL went to visit her friend in XXXXXXXXX (sp?) the OW~
and I just about passed out! His cousin has no IDEA about her ((OW ) or that we were even going to get a D. I have not talked to her in years. So my SIL did travel with my H with the intention of seeing her friend the dreaded OW~
the OW who my H still probably has her name on his chest.....

I really actually once again do feel naseuos. And yet I have come to realize that I am above all this BS and just disgusting .... I can not even find words that describe how I feel about the sitaution. I am not jealous nor angry just sort of sick about the whole thing.. I wonder if she tries to talk to my H or if he even talks to her like no big deal.. I do think she came to get my SIL so she may have seen my H.... my Spanish is a little rusty so I am not sure of the details. My H's cousin speaks very little English.
Anyway,, I am glad I can come here to blow up and just vent. I have alot of faith in my H and I know he did the right thing and yet I do feel somewhat upset. Not really sure why?
I used to always get this weird feeling when he was up to no god and now I am calm as a cucumber as they say. Upset and sick to my stomach but still calm and feel secure in knowing that my H is over her and she poses no threat to our R.
I guess for me the thing that stands out most like I told my H when we were Reconciling.. and she kept calling. It is one thing to take you away from me and quite another to keep on pursuing you when she knows how much your kids love you and you are trying to recover your M.
I can take her wanting to take you from me ~

but not from my children!!!!!!Then that just lowers my opinion of her that much more.


My h once told me to call her.. weeks before Reconciling.

I told him "I will never ,ever do that,,"
And he said " SHE WOULD NOT EVEN CARE IF YOU DID!!!"
I was ready to vomit and I replied "I am far better than that and she will never be even half the WOMAN I am and SO I have no reason to call her." Now my opinion of her is even lower.."
that is pathetic."
" You do not need to worry about me you go and be Happy with her........."

He was speechless. Wow this happened last June and I can remember it like it happened JUST yesterday. I can still hear him.... SCARY~

I AM in a better paace now and I am so proud of that. I am proud of who I am and who I was thru out the whole ordeal. Even when he splitting my SOUL in 2 and leaving me for dead .
I stayed true and strong. And most of all I held onto being a lady and my Integrity. Sure I am no Saint and I have made mistakes but it took the grace of God and many Angels I am sure ~
to give me strength thru that~
and when he would come back after talking to her for a long time. It took all my strength not to want to beat the living &(*_& out of him and just be beautiful and serene. I would smile thru the pain in my heart. My heart felt as though it would burst and my soul ached~

.... like I cannot describe.
I felt as though the world were about to swallow me whole and I could not breath. I remember going for a walk late one nite and just walking and crying and walking some more and when I came back he was waiting for me and asked what was wrong and I said nothing I just needed air.... Smiling thru my agony... He was in enough pain of his own to see mine would have been too, too much.

I sit here now and I am crying some and I have to say I am very proud of myself. I am proud of who I have become and who I was during the most painful time of my life. It was a pain that has no description.. crying so hard and loud that the neighbors may think you have lost your mind. I was a puddle of mush and when I got myself up off the ground...
...... started over and decided that I was still alive and my kids needed a strong me and not one withering away onm the pain of my heart.It can take you and you can wallow in it indefinetly and keep it burning or you can let it burn to the ashes and reemerge a better Woman who will live , love and rejoice. Life is so hard sometimes but the blessings are many if we just open our eyes to them all. I have many, many blessings and my eyes were closed for far too long.

So my H can join me on this life God has blessed me with and help me become even better than I am today or he can lie to himself and say he does not want to follow me and be Happy and in love and fall in love more everyday that we are here. Love is not supposed to hurt , ,I want to love and live without fear .. I am tired of being sacred. I am 36 and I feel like I wasted so many years hiding behind my fear and I do not want to go back to that ever. So God please help me to keep growing and keep rejoicing in the Woman that I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God bless...

AMEN!!!!!!