Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Downhill and off a Cliff

Cemar, I would just like to say that it's not always the women that go through the type of change where the kids become the center of the universe. In my M, it is more my H that feels that way. I would love to spend time together alone, take mini vacations, have date night. H refuses. It's not always a gender thing. I think it's a form of avoidance, a way to feel secure and safe. Kids, especially when they are young, love you unconditionally and think you are the greatest thing in the world. With partners/spouses, it takes more effort than making a bologna sandwich or buying a toy and it's less emotionally safe.

I wish I knew the answer to your question as to WHY. Right now, I'm again sick to my stomach b/c I know something happened yesterday in my sitch concerning OW I think (EA) and now he seems to be pulling away from me again and I just talked to him @ work & he didn't say ILY when we got off b/c she was probably right there.

I hate this and I hate that I put us in this sitch. I know it's not ALL my fault, but a majority of it is. I didn't realize the damage I was doing at the time.

Obviously, you need to talk to your W about all of this, but, unfortunately, as in my sitch and yours, she tends to just get angry & defensive when you try to talk to her. It took the D bomb for me to realize how serious things had become and how very unhappy H was.

I admit I was being very selfish in our M. I guess I tended to think that I should take care of the kids and H should take care of me. But then, like I've said before, there is no one taking care of H and that's not fair.

I do, however, still see some of my same behavior in H, but he obviously does not see that he sometimes acts just like I did -- taking the stress of the kids, etc. out on me, which is what I was doing to him.

Hi, Cadesmom.

Quote:
-----------------------------------------------
I hate this and I hate that I put us in this sitch. I know it's not ALL my fault, but a majority of it is. I didn't realize the damage I was doing at the time.
-----------------------------------------------

Please be careful with this line of thinking. Your husband is 100% responsible for the decision to betray. You did not cause him to cheat anymore than I could cause my next door neighbor to rob a bank. Your husband made a CHOICE, a bad one, but a choice never the less.

Your contribution to the state of the marriage is just that, and you are responsible for it. Regardless, he could have asked for a divorce before he cheated. He could have also fought things out with you and worked out your marriage. Those where options for him just like the cheating. He made a bad choice.

It is okay to face your contribution to the state of the marriage. It is not okay for you to assume responsibility for actions not your own.

I am sorry for your pain.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

Thank you NOP. I guess I know this in my mind, but my heart still hurts that I feel like I've wasted so many years being resentful toward my H instead of just loving him. Now that I have changed courses, I realize how much I truly do love him and how much I was hurting him and not really knowing how badly. I've said it before, I just pray that I didn't figure this out too little, too late.

Cadesmom34
I admit I was being very selfish in our M. I guess I tended to think that I should take care of the kids and H should take care of me.

Lots of wives think like that. Lots of H feel they are near last on the to do list. Take it from a person that has been married almost 39 years.

I just talked to him @ work & he didn't say ILY when we got off b/c she was probably right there.
That is "Stinking thinking" assumption CM34. You are creating problems for the R when you assume like that. It could also have been, a male co-worker was standing next to him, or maybe his mind was on something else that had his stressed a little.

Lou

I know, I know. I have since talked to him and, since I have done absolutely nothing to let him know I have been thinking all this CRAP today, I am letting it all go. I absolutely will not do anything to undermine our R or M and all the work I have put into it since the bomb. I know I am ASSuming and allowing my mind to wander all over the place.

I'm just glad H helped me figure out that he needs to be #1 priority and our M as well. Hopefully he will or has or is still getting the "love" back for me as he sees how much I do love him and am willing to put so much effort into getting things right again. I don't ever want to hear "I don't love you like that" or "I love you as a person and the mother of my children, but nothing more" EVER AGAIN and I have vowed to make sure I do everything I can so that that does not happen.

I have a piece of paper on my computer that says "NEVER FORGET."

Not meaning to hijack your thread, OG!!!!

Not meaning to hijack your thread, OG!!!!
This is your thread.

I only wanted to say what has happened in your M has happened to others, not as an excuse but to help you move past where you two are and look for the future. The real future. Not the he might, she might, he could be, etc future.

I like intuition ( thr OW must have been standing by him) but it isn't always right. Intituition to me means "look over here/there for some real clues" not "this is what is happening."

OK I should have found this forum 20 years ago even if it ddn't exist.

Lou

Yeah, I know, I have said that since Day 1 of bomb. I wish I had been reading marriage how-to books from D1 of my marriage and I wouldn't be here. I understand that what has happened in my M happens in others, not that that makes me feel any better about the waste time issue, but I just wish H realized it as well !!

I can't wait to get to the point where I feel confident in H's feelings and conviction in our M as well as mine. I am truly very happy just loving H the way I have been and learning how nice it is to have a happy M and not just living day to day, dealing w/ stress, etc. I just hope it all works out for us and one day I KNOW FOR A FACT that he is "in love" with me again completely!! That's what I want.