Quote: I guess I've entered the angry phase already??? Sorry, guys...
don't be sorry...happens to us all...take a look at my threads and you'll see that I keep going there and back there and back...it's a long road home...and it will at time drive you crasy.
what I have realized is that when I get angry..I feel like h should pay for what he's done...he should be punnished..but when I start to step out of the angry place I realize that h IS being punnished and hurting...he knows full well what he's done to me and his family..and will have to deal with it for the rest of his life (his words mind you) keep reminding yourself of how they must feel..doesn't make it easy but can help to make it easier.
having said all that...welcome to peicing...it is rather slow here but I see you've got some friends that are happy to come over and visit you. many think that the trenches is the hard part..dbing till the was comes to their senses and comes home...nope...the real work starts now!!! welcome..welcome...welcome.
Hi Bellis,
Always glad to see another fellow DBer make the move over to "Piecing". You are far from being alone in how you feel about your W's infidelity. In fact, your amongst some good people who's threads could help you gain some insights on how to deal with the "demons". People like Zebra, Lily, Matilda, Lostlove, Lisakate, Pfroglady, etc... (yeah, I have a thread here, too...)
Its OK to experience anger about what has transpired, but the key is not to get stuck there and find how to move on. This is where forgiveness comes in. It is the common perception that forgiveness is something we grant to our spouses. But more importantly forgiveness is a gift we need to give ourselves so that we can once again have the piece of mind we deserve and desire to have in our lives. Have you read Michelle's forum article on "Forgiveness"? Just like everything else in this process tho, it will take time to reach that point.
In the mean time you will need to learn to let the "demons" go. The worse thing to do is to continue ponder on the thoughts of her transgression. It is the past ... there is nothing that can be done now to change it ... thinking about it now amounts to nothing positive, but can have a devasting effect on yourself and marriage if the demons continue to run through your head unchecked. Rachael's threads are a good place to see how until she finally learned to let go, she was unable to obtain any joy in her life.
It is impossible to prevent the thoughts from "popping" into your head, but when they do, you have the power to make the conscious choice to stop the thought. Rebuke it. Come up with a mantra to cease all negative thoughts and let them go and allows you to move onto more positive thoughts and emotions. This too will take some time to work through. It helps tremendously when the spouse wants to work on the marriage as well and the both of you together can move on past this. Re-read DR (assuming of coarse that you have read it once already), with the emphasis on techniques to use when both are trying to strengthen the marriage.
Thanks so much for everyone's posts. It means a lot to me...Stacy, Dienne, Floyd, LL, and KAW. Thanks guys and gals... My apologies in advance for the long post.
I'm a little better today. My W just called me to ask how I was doing. Err!!! She's giving a lot, but it's messing with my brain! She asked what I wanted to do for New Years, and came up with a couple of suggestions, but mentioned that if I didn't feel up to visiting with all of these people and so forth, then we could just do what I wanted. I told her I was not going to let this thing prevent me from having fun. Yeah...I'm still DBing, huh?
I did get a little angry (no yelling or anything) with her last night after posting. I was shaking and she was worried I was going to have a heart attack (I have high blood pressure). Unfortunately, I gave her a couple of cheap jabs and she took them gracefully. I won't be doing that, though, because it accomplishes NOTHING...except to make her feel even more shi$$y (which, I have to admit I kind of feel like doing). But, I have to forgive and move on...I know.
Had sex twice yesterday. Weird. I felt I had to test whether this whole thing would affect me somehow. Much of the time I thought about OM, but it wasn't like I didn't enjoy it. Why does every feeling I have these days have to be completely mixed with good and bad? Ying and yang? The other day I get my W back and I so happy, but at the same time I'm hammered because I simultaneously find out she had an A. Yesterday, sex was great, but thoughts of the OM pervaded my mind.
My W went to church with me yesterday. I've taken the kids a couple of times in the last month or so...something I've been wanting to do...but my W has been working so she couldn't go with us. It was nice having her there. Of course, God's message was about remembering the positive and negative things that happened this year and reflect upon them...let go of the past... Man, every time I go to church, there's such a poignant message for me.
Quoting Stacy:Bellis, think of this way. Even though your Ws body is like a forbidden temple for anyone to touch. The OM didn't get the most important thing and that's her spirit/soul. That she kept for you. One day we will leave this flesh here on earth and our souls will go live with the Lord. And we will rejoin our families in heaven. So this past year will become a faded memory when you think of the eternity you and her will share together.
Thanks for these words, Stacy. REALLY...THANKS. I do think along the same way sometimes to try and make myself feel better. I kept telling myself this before my suspicions were confirmed. It does help. I also appreciate the insight about your parents. I know I have to forgive and put it behind us, knowing that we will have a very strong R as a result. My W really feels this way...but she's ready to move on and I'm still stuck on the pain.
Quoting Dienne:Remember, all the changes you have made were for you - you are now a better person than you were before and would you really want to be the same person you were before?
I would not want to be the same person I was before. Yesterday, I told my W that I felt like crawling up in a hole, but I wouldn't do that. I said, "that's the old bellis." She said she liked the new bellis much more and again reminded me how attractive my changes have been. I said I like the new bellis more too. She said there's nothing more attractive than watching someone make changes to better themselves. I suspect, because she's told me how much she likes my changes any number of times, that she's somewhat afraid I won't stay the path. All I can say is, ain't gonna happen!
Quoting Floyd:Reading your sitch has helped me out a bunch. I feel that my W and I will not be able to move on until this A issue is resolved. Same with your sitch. I figured out last week that she is still hung up on it too, that its not just me.
Yes, Floyd, again I reiterate, I think she needs time to figure this out for herself. By you DBing, I think you are making it harder for her to hide her demons. Keep doing what you've been doing and hopefully I'll see you in my new neighborhood very soon.
Quoting LL:having said all that...welcome to peicing...it is rather slow here but I see you've got some friends that are happy to come over and visit you. many think that the trenches is the hard part..dbing till the was comes to their senses and comes home...nope...the real work starts now!!!
LL, you ain't kidding. I appreciate your insights. I have read some of your threads previously and can only imagine your frustrations. I will update myself on the latest and stop by. I do understand what you mean about understanding the pain the WAS is having. I'm trying...I really am. But I've sacrificed a lot to be where I am. Don't get me wrong, I'm a better person and am proud of it, but the angry me wants to see some sacrifices on my W's part.
Quoting KAW:Have you read Michelle's forum article on "Forgiveness"?
Yes, but I think I better read it again. And again. And again...
Quoting KAW:In the mean time you will need to learn to let the "demons" go.
Dear God, I know. I'm trying...sometimes successfully. I'm caught between shoving them out of my mind and dealing with them so they don't haunt me in the future. Sometimes I feel numb, sometimes I feel like I'm gonna puke, and sometimes it doesn't even bother me that much because I'm so happy to have my W back (although she still won't really say ILY).
Quoting KAW:Come up with a mantra to cease all negative thoughts and let them go and allows you to move onto more positive thoughts and emotions.
I love this suggestion. There's a poem I have read by Lao Tzu that I really like. Maybe I'll just memorize it. Can I share it with you? Tough...
Some say that my teaching is nonsense. Others call it lofty but impractical. But to those who have looked inside themselves, this nonsense makes perfect sense. And to those who put it into practice, This loftiness has roots that go deep.
I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures. Simple in actions and in thoughts, you return to the source of being. Patient with both friends and enemies, you accord with the way things are. Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.
Also, KAW, thanks for the info. about other threads. I am definitely going to take a walk through the new neighborhood...including your thread.
Thanks again everyone. One day at a time, I guess...
Quote: Much of the time I thought about OM, but it wasn't like I didn't enjoy it.
just checking in on the new neighbor...this sentance caught my eye... because I do not know if h's ea was a pa at all I wrestled with these thoughts ALOT in the first month or so (still do a little) just want to let you know that it does get to be less and less...the good thing is you DID enjoy it and hey w was willing and twice in one day..I'm jelouse!!
you may notice that you are very lucky in that w is already open to being physical with you as many that make it here their spouses are still reluctant. enjoy.
and I warn you a head of time..if you do stop by my place..you never do know what your gonna get. I am still on a roller coaster.
Quote: you may notice that you are very lucky in that w is already open to being physical with you as many that make it here their spouses are still reluctant.
Actually, I don't know how I feel about this because my W was always active with me...even during her A. I get stuck on thinking that there's something warped about being "involved" with two men...that she didn't show so much remorse and stop. Maybe she knew I'd know if she did that, so she continued. I will say, however, that she swears she only had several encounters and these were spread out over a year. I believe her. So, it just might not be as bad as I think. Maybe when she was with him those times, she happened to be more distant with me on those given days. Damn, this is awful. I kind of want to ask about this, but I'm also reluctant to go down this path. Don't see what good it would do, but I'm the type that needs to know all the facts.
Quote: also reluctant to go down this path. Don't see what good it would do, but I'm the type that needs to know all the facts.
I completely understand that...I have asked my h at least a million times if he was physical with ow...do I think I'll get a different answer on the next time..nope it's a cheesless tunnel.
here's a kicker with my sit...I always complained about h not wanting to be physical enough...then whamo when he comes back to me after a 6month sep and leaving to be with his ea (who was married and is not getting d as a result of all this mess) he couldn't get enough of me??? messed with my head real bad. anyway that's me and my sit and this is your place so....
it does all get better with time like any wound there will be a scar that may still ache when it rains but the day to day pain will slowlee cease. don't spend to much time trying to figure out the how's and why's about w's affair. I'm sure she wouldn't have all the answers you want right now anyway.
Quote: don't spend to much time trying to figure out the how's and why's about w's affair. I'm sure she wouldn't have all the answers you want right now anyway.
Agreed.
Well, I'm up to the flower delivery part of your thread. I have to say, LL, I love the vociferousness of your posts!
Have you read Michele's article "Healing from Infidelity?" If you haven't you should. And if your W seems to want to work thru this, maybe she could read it too so that she understands that it will take time to resolve, and you will be curious with the hows and why's. The why's usually arent that easy to come by, but I think the hows are. Maybe then you could work on it together.
I could be way off base here, but she seems to want to fix it from what I have heard.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
I know you're really hurting right now. I can't say I understand, because she hasn't admitted to me yet. I have no idea how I'll respond. The fact that she hasn't admitted yet still gives me the small hope that nothing has happened yet, even though common sense says otherwise. All I know is that your W is coming back to you. This probably won't help much, but look at it this way. You were stacked up against OM, and you won, with flying colors. She chose YOU, not him. It was her own decision, without any pressure from you. Will it be easy from here on out? Of course not. Will the A always be lingering in the background? Perhaps. I think it's normal to have a grieving period after something like this. Hopefully, she understands that. And I think she does.
And I'm going to be a hypocrite with this next part, but what good does knowing exactly what happened between them do? It's just going to eat you up, and it won't help you come to peace any quicker. In all honesty, whatever you're imagining is probably a lot worse than what really happened. Why is it that we have to know all the sordid details? I don't know, but I'm guilty of it as well.
I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
But, I have to forgive and move on...I know.
Don't see what good it would do, but I'm the type that needs to know all the facts.