Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Help!YO YO H is killing me.

I am on the MLC boards but found yours.

My H, a born-again Christian, told me and the kids almost two years ago that he was having an A. Our marriage was always good--no arguing, always there for each other and kids, homebodies, etc.

This news devastated all of us and H was crying as he told us.

For a few months after knowing this, I began to snoop, found out where she lived, saw her, was mortified at what I saw--she is older than he, is the total opposite in appearance of me, and resembles a man to a T but claimed to my H that her husband had died some 30 years earlier and that she was abused by a live in boyfriend. She has two grown kids and two grandkids. Snooping might make you feel better for awhile but it backfires.

H was okay toward me up until about 11/05 and at that point he stopped all intimacy with me and would become irked at the slightest touch by me. His moods became so bad and he came home later and later and the kids thought he was maybe doing drugs.

By January 06 I told him what I knew about her, he got mad and began sleeping on the couch.

Oh and the cell calls to/from her went on and on and on and even in front of our girls!! He even slept with that cell phone under his pillow.

He also began drinking so heavily leading up to the time he told of the A thru June 06.

He assaulted me twice to which I called and reported to the police. So uncharacteristic of him.

He moved out of the house in June 06 and began living with OW at her daughter and son in laws house and grandkids. Sick, isn't it?

He did not have contact with us for almost three weeks when he moved out but then he was coming around on weekends to see and take the kids out.

WHen the girls would ask him what he saw in OW he could not say because he did not know. Probation officer asked him about our marriage and he said it was always good, no problems, that he does not know why he is with OW and get this, said a month ago he has no intentions of getting back with me but his actions speak differently in that he is around me much more, and we just refinanced on the house!

March 06 I went to OW's office which is right across the sidewalk from H's office and told her to knock it off with my H. She did not say a word and walked right past me. I even called her bosses about her shenanigans at work.

She concocted some great stories for him that I was funneling money from our joint account so he canceled that and he cancelled me from credit cards as well. Not something he would have any knowledge of what to do.

He would tell the girls that he was married to her not me which is so off the wall.

In January 07 I had to go to court to testify about the assaults and he was found guilty and had to serve 5 days in jail, three years probation and no drinking.

He did move home on New Year's 07 but only for three weeks as OW talked him into moving back over there and that I was a bad person. At this time he said he never stopped loving me, we were intimate, etc.

She has it out for me big time and no, I had never met her before all of this.

I think she is competing and attempting to force my hand at divorce which I will not do.

Since he has stopped drinking, he is much better toward all of us but still lives with OW.

He continues to pay all of the bills and is coming over and staying longer hours but never spends the night here.

I have learned that one must keep their mouth shut about what is going on because they have no idea who they are hurting, can only think of themselves, OW is a quick fix to issues having nothing to do with our marriage, etc. and yes, I am standing for my marriage.

That is hard.

I would encourage you to subscribe to Charlyne Cares newsletters about marriage which might help you.

I am being nice and loving from a distance, no R talks and no talk about OW.

He has never said he wanted the kids to meet OW and it does not seem likely that they will.

I hate what is going on but he has to figure it out for himself.

With him being gone, nobody is walking on eggshells and it is more relaxed around here.

His family is very supportive of me and the kids as well.

When will he come out of it, I do not know.

They say one thing, do another so you cannot believe all they say but watch what he does.

Visit the MLC forums as well.

Here's the Charlyne link:
http://rejoiceministries.org

Also, we are not going thru a divorce and neither one of us is filing.

Hey, Penny --

I'm certainly not one to be giving advice during this crisis that I am going through, as you know. But I just wanted to chime in and give you some support and encouragement and some insights that I see from your post for you to think about.

First of all, I know it has really helped me to post here and to get feedback and encouragement from everyone. Keep posting, okay? It helps to just get it out and get through those rough days...



What have we talked about and been told about "ASSuming." You don't know what he was doing. If you assume the worst, it's just going to hurt YOU. You know I'm not good at this either, so I know it's hard. Now at least I am catching myself more when I'm assuming, which is part of the battle. The goal I'm setting for myself is to use the stop sign method to get rid of the bad thoughts and to replace it with thinking that he's out with friends or working or running some errands, etc., ANYTHING but that he's doing something with OW. If we don't know FOR SURE what they are doing, why not think that it's something positive rather than something negative? Let's ASSume good things. That can do nothing but help our mental stability.



Penny, this has been a really hard one for me in that I used to know just about every move my H made, not because I was clingy and asked him all the time, but when you're married and living under the same roof and doing business together day in and day out, you just TALK about your plans and your day, etc. That gradually changed when this all blew up in November. Then, in February of this year when we had our big dragout when he told me that he didn't want to be married to me anymore, he said that he wasn't going to be telling me where he was going, what he was doing, etc. It wasn't that he really had been before that, but I think maybe he was just re-emphasizing that point. And I don't think it's that he really cared whether I knew, but he didn't want me to know about when he was with OW - he's always said he doesn't want to hurt me. So, maybe your H did not tell you for both of those reasons:
1.) He doesn't want to hurt you (which is a good thing if they are at least conscious of that - obviously this whole dang mess is killing us, but to at least not rub it in our faces helps)
2.) Since you both aren't "together" right now in the true sense of the word, maybe he doesn't feel the need to let you know everything that he is doing right now.

As far as throwing in the towel, believe me, I go through those same feelings in cycles. There are days when I just feel like I'm losing my mind and don't know how in the world or why in the world I am "putting up with this." I'm married, and my H is sleeping with and staying with OW. What???? That's absolutely insane! Then he'll do/say something or I'll just get random feelings sometimes myself that send me over the edge and make me feel like I've had it. Then I think about my options which at this point are:
1.) File for D
2.) Give him an ultimatum
I'm not going to feel any better and probably worse if I file for D, and if I give him an ultimatum right now, I don't think I would come out the victor....

So, where does this leave us? Remember what Jody told me... How would you ACT if you were really and truly "done" with this, had thrown in the towel? So whenever I get those feelings of wanting to throw in the towel, I think about what Jody said and work on that, which means little or no contact (to the best of my ability considering the business together), keep conversations short and to the point, act cheery around him (like I'm okay and getting on with my life), no R/M/OW talk, GALing, etc. And then I've also gotten the advice that if I DO feel like I'm done with this to NOT act on those feelings for at least a week or two - make sure it's how you REALLY feel and that you're not just going through a rough day/week/etc.

So when I get those feelings that I've just had enough of this, I think about my alternatives (which aren't any better and probably worse. I think about what Jody said and work on implementing that, and I promise myself that I won't do anything like telling H I'm through with this until I've sat on it for at least a few weeks. So far, I've never felt the same after just giving it some time... I WANT my M to work out! It's the easy road, I suppose, to just end it and get on with life, huh? The hard road is sticking through all of this crap and praying that it is making us a better person and that we will come out on the other side with a much more fulfilling life, both in our own lives and within the lives of our H's and families.

So, maybe try those things, okay?

Your H is still showing signs of not "throwing in the towel" on you guys. He is still coming around to help with the business. He is calling you. He compliments you. He is showing interest in your kids. He stayed the night at your home. Remember to work hard to notice the baby steps, okay? But also remember not to get over-excited about them and to not expect them. Let them encourage you and warm your heart a little and give you strength to keep fighting.

Regarding forcing communication with your H, I have noticed myself doing that as well. I'll keep him on the phone somtimes or in person sometimes just by asking him about something else or talking about something else that we really don't NEED to talk about at that point, or even at all sometimes. I just so desperately want to spend time with him and talk with him. We need to work on catching ourselves when we are doing this and purposely changing that dynamic by US being the ones to end the conversations. Do something they won't expect. Think about how it feels when H ends the conversation or leaves your house. For me, it upsets me because I want so badly for this whole mess to stop and for him to WANT to talk with me and spend time with me. so, think about how THAT feels, and if WE can be the ones to end conversations, pull away from them, we can only pray that in turn THEY will miss US by us taking charge and distancing ourselves from THEM. Make sense?

Okay, Miss Penny. Hang in there, my partner in crime. WE CAN DO THIS! Chin up. You're doing a great job. Be proud of you for caring about your M and your family.

Penny,
We all get too comfortabale in our marriages and think well we've been married this long we will always be together. I too gained weight and became very embarassed about my appearance. I really never thought it was much of an issue with him. He used to say well at least we are fat and happy together. He has put on weight also, but not as much as me. I've lost 40 pounds on the divorce busting diet. He too has noticed, but he doesn't give me near the compliments that everyone else does. He just says things like, well, you're looking better, whereas everyone else says things like wow, you look great!

The positive I see in your situation is that he is communicating so much with you. If you read these boards you can see that you are being treated much better than some of the other LBS. That's what I keep telling myself and my heart goes out to them. Continue to be upbeat even though your heart is breaking inside. I read a book that said we have to love our spouses 100%. Everytime I feel like I am putting out much more effort than he is, I say to myself I'm loving him 100% We don't have to be doormats, just Love Him 100%!

I have to tell you, I think we are married to twins. At least you are still married to yours. My D will be final as soon as I get the papers and sign them. However, I am still standing and will until I can't anymore.

H and I have been married for 20 years, together for 21. We have two sons together, age 20 and 17 and I have a son by a previous marriage who is 32. Overall our marriage was a good one. Most of our friends were envious at how much fun we had together and how good we got along. We had problems the first year we were married and after we worked through that we were doing well. Until late 1998-early 1999, H had a one night stand with a woman he had an online EA with. He had been acting really strange but wouldn't tell me anything until I found half of a keychain he had given her. He left it right out in the open where I could find it. He wanted to be caught. I fell apart and we tried to work through it but he went from being remorseful and contrite to hard and cold within a week or two telling me continually to get over it. I kicked him out and we were separated for about 3 months before he begged me to let him come back.

Things were strained and many time I questioned why I let hi return, then we seemed o work through it and were doing better with only short periods of him withdrawing and doing things that seemed as if he was planning another escape. But they would pass. I know believe that he was beginning a MLC when he strayed the first time but I didn't know anything about it and convinced him to come home. This interrupted his crisis and now he is going through it again with a vengence.

Then the next bomb in March, 2004. He didn't want to be married anymore but I was about a year and a half from finishing my degree in Special Education and he couldn't leave until I got a job. He moved out in August of 2005. He came around in July, 2006 (he was never too ar from us during that time except for the first month or two) and showed signs of changing his mind. After an evening of us talking and making out before he went back to his apartment, he withdrew big time and while I was on vacation visiting my S32 in South Carolina, a good friend of ours began sleeping with him. He has been angry and vindictive most of the time since. He feels guilty and blames everything on me. Both sons have told him they want nothing to do with OW. Another couple who were friends with both us and the OW and her XH, still stay in contact with me despite the H being my H's best friend and the W having been OW's best friend most of their lives. I don't think either of them like that either. They have few friends and MIL and FIL must have ask H and OW not to come visit them this Spring Break (H always took Ss there but neither S wanted to go this year).

I really don't know what kind of advice I can give you. YOu seem to be doing better at being nice than I have been. The only thing I can tell you is spend some time going out with friends. Sometimes when he pops in or calls, be on your way out. Don't feel the need to tell him everything you do or everywhere you go.

I have read an abundance of books, so many I could almost become a marriage counselor in fact I will be beginning a Master's in Counseling in the fall so you never know

I have read, The Five Love Languages, Understanding Mid-Life Crisis, Love and Respect, The Purpose Driven Life, and am now reading the Silent Son but the book that has helped me the most is the Bible. The one positive thing that has come out of this s that S17 began going to church with his best friend and with his GF when he visits her. I have renewed my R with God and am feeling more so much better. I feel calmer and more optimistic despite H still shutting me out as much as possible. He can't help but send me email sometimes but quite often it is negative and spewing in nature. He has no reason to contact me anymore but seems to do so more often now. H is still with OW, it will soon be 10 months since they began their affair. I know it will not last because when H comes out of this horrible MLC, he will not like her. She is everything he doesn't like in a person. She is selfish, greedy, and spent a lot of time putting her H down when we went out together as oouples. She is controlling and can't stay home for more than one weekend a month. That was something her H was unhappy with. Rumor has it that she cheated on her H and that was the final straw for him. She told mutual friends after she moved because their home was sold, that living in a crappy one bedroom apartment with her daughter and not having any money was not all it was cracked up to be and she was going to do something about it. The something was go after my H.

As you can see there are some similarities in our situation and the things that your H said to you were almost word for word what my H said to me. I know it doesn't feel like it but you are lucky that your H has kept in contact with you so much since OW. My H's OW doesn't want H having anything to do with me and he is doing as he is told right now. I know it will not last.

I urge you to go to the MLC board and read some of the posts, especially by BrandNewDay, Rollercoasterider, and some of the others. There are success stories there. BrandNewDay and her H, I believe, was apart from her H for about 4 years.

We are here and will listen and give feedback if needed. Sorry this is so long, I just have quite a long history in the MLC arena. I hope this helps you a little.

Hi guys,

It is late and I am really tired tonite. I have auditors coming Monday so its been really busy. Plus our own business stuff its been really busy. I just wanted you to know I will get back to you and I really appreciate all the feed back. You all are so supportive. When I have some time to write I will fill you in somemore. It just is amazing to me that there are so many stories that are so alike. They can be word for word. It is hard to comprend. It will be tomorrow night before I can get back with you. Thank you so much for your support. I read a little today at work during a break about Holly on MLC. You guys are so strong.

Talk some more tomorrow. We can only believe we will make it.
Thanks again.

Hi Penny

I'm pleased to see SteelersFan and ANewMe dropped by to introduce themselves. I think Holly has too?

I wanted to hook you up with some women who are going through similar experiences to you and they are the best there is. They are all about your age, with similar lenght marriages and young adult children who are wonderful supports for them.

Penny, it's hard to know what to say to you, because you really are doing quite well, regardless that it mustn't feel that way to you!

The best thing for you to do now is concentrate on your GAL (getting a life), PMA (positive mental attitude) and detaching from your H. In some ways he's off with the pixies. He doesn't know whether he's coming or going, and I can guarantee you, from the reading I've done about MLC, he's in a pretty bad way himself at the moment.

The key for you is to be the best you, you can be, use this time to refil your self esteem and self confidence and get on with it. Be the woman he will prefer to be with. He's infactuated with a new woman - so what - he'll get over it. It's a kind of 'puppy love' and usually doesn't stand the test of time.

You are a wonderful, strong, sensitive woman and you don't deserve what's happening to you. Use this time that he's on another planet to look after yourself.

You'll be OK.

Hi guys

I hope you haven't given up on me. This is the really busy time in our business so any spare time is spent working to get things done. When I get in I usually go to bed but I have been trying to read everyones threads.

My update is H came home to help on Sunday but had left before I got back to the house. Sunday evenings I think he has plans because he won't answer his phone. Enough of that..

He calls every morning and in the afternoon and evening. I can't figure it out. He has OW but doesn't live with her but she works real close to where he is at and I know she is not going to give in.

I had made up my mind that I had it. I needed to move on with my life even though I should stay for financial reasons. Then he comes and acts like we have a future together and is making plans for the business. I'm like his best friend.

He is working with his brother like I had posted but there is this guy who wants to buy into the brothers business if the investment comes thru in the mean time my H has this job offer to go midwest for a huge daily wage till nov. He is trying to figure out what he awants to do. I think it would be good for him to go and get a way from every one including OW. He told me if he went she was not going with him. I bet she will visit though. She is relentless. I guess I have to figure what is best for me. I think he enjoys us being best friends and business partners and she gets all the benefits.

Ok I have vented on and on. I hope someone will have some advice. I haven't had the time to post on the MIdlife Crisis forum. Tonight I had time and the power went off. So I had a glass of wine and read DRemedy mid life chapter. How true.

I hope you guys haven't deserted me and I will post some more. H has to make a desicion by tomorrow morning on job.

are you sure they are benifits? From what I remember it is not easy putting up with a man who is covertly depressed/MLC. She is just low enough to want any crumb of a man.

Help I need some advice..

My H is taking a job out of state in the midwest for 7 months. He leaves day after tomorrow. It is a job you can't turn down. He has been really nice but knowing she is still in the picture I can't let down. He is moving his trailer home and just taking his pu. My question is do I bring her up before he goes and ask if he is still seeing her or let it go? I am sure she will fly back and seee him. but the only thing this job is a 6 day aweek job and sometimes 7 days aweek and lot of travel. He will be living out of a suitcase mostly. It will be hard for her to see him but knowing her she will . So guys do I mention it or not? Do I just go with the flow and GAL and enjoy myself without the knot in my stomach of athem being here and together? He has been nice but also he depends alot on my opinion on business and this will benefit us both financially. I can handle our business here like always.

Got any ideas???? This is the perfect job for him. He will not be in one place losts of challenge maybe good for MLC unless he finds someone new but I get the phone bills so I can see what happens. I guess it doesn't hurt to stay where I am no payments on house or anything? I guess I should see>?

Please any advice is welcome.

Holly
You are right she is the scum of the earth if not lower and He is not much better and what is funny is there are aboth lying to each other...I know when he is lying to me but does she know....How Funny!!!!!!