Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Taking the slow boat to freedom

Hello friends,

Thanks for taking this ride with me. It ain't so pretty some time.

Like today.

I lost it--totally. Like a woman in an insane asylum. Bang and she's off--her rocker that is.

I could feel it coming.

I'm tired, not feeling well, dehydrated, overwhelmed and alone.

I don't want to be a single mother, never signed up for this, it's so damn hard.

He was supposed to stay in the boat with me and he bailed. I feel like bailing. I want to run away to Hawaii. How courageous of him to walk away (he actually told me it took a lot of courage to walk out that door). I guess I’m just not that courageous—not courageous enough to face the resentment and anger of my children for the rest of my life. Not courageous enough to ruin my reputation and good name. Not courageous enough to break the hearts of those that love and depend on me.

It started yesterday. It was a nice afternoon when the kids came home. They were excited to have a lemonade and cookie stand in the front yard. So I made them cookies and lemonade and they set up their little table. They made a few bucks (there are only about 5 houses on our street so sales were slow.

I wasn't feeling well so I asked them to put away all the stuff--table, chairs, bikes, etc.

They swore they did it. I didn't check.

I emailed H last night begging him to take the kids today. Told him I was sick and exhausted and have been with the kids by myself for weeks and needed a break. He wrote back and said he would if he could but he can’t. Big surprise.

I was tucking the kids in last night and went into the bathroom to weight myself (been losing weight and keeping track). Scale doesn't work, like at all. I just changed the batteries so I turn it over and discover someone has snipped off the battery pack. I was annoyed (I can splice the wires together but I am so sick of the kids wrecking stuff). So I ask all of them who did it. They all deny it was them. One of them is lying. I think it's my daughter who lies to me a lot and I tell her I think it is her. She freaks, she denies some more, finally she confesses. I don't punish her but rather have a very long conversation about lying and how it hurts people and how once you tell a lie you get trapped and have to tell more lies and that the scale is totally minor compared to lying. My kids all know that the one BIG no-no in this house is lying. I can’t tolerate it.

So last night it rained like crazy. This morning I look out the window and all the stuff from the kids lemonade sale is still outside in the yard. I wake all the children up and make them go outside in the rain to put it all away--including all their bikes, also left strewn in the driveway and almost in the road. At this point I am stunned that they lied to me again and feel like giving up—but how do I do that—I am trapped.

I lose it while they're outside. I retreat to the basement and can't stop crying. I can't stop feeling totally alone and overwhelmed and cheated and sad. I can't help my children cope because I can't cope.

I take the phone and know I shouldn't but I do it anyway. I dial H's number. It's 7:30 am. He doesn't answer. I dial again. No answer. I'm a wreck—slobbering with tears and snot flowing freely. I can't think straight. I dial his cell--no answer.

The kids are back inside now and hear me. They come downstairs and I can’t stop crying, not even for them. I am distraught. I tell them to go away, get dressed, get breakfast, I can't help them.

I call my best friend. She's a gem, I love her so much. She helps calm me down. Helps me realize that part of all of this has to do with my fear about what will happen when H leaves and how much harder all this will be. I still can't believe he is leaving for a year. I don't know how I will manage.

Son comes down with my cell phone in hand and tells me its dad. I ask my friend if I should talk to him and she says probably not so I tell son to tell him I'll call back. Friend offers to talk to H for me and help explain how hard this all is for me—raising 4 little children on my own. My friend and H have known each other and were friends even before we were (professional relationship). She is a level headed and calm person. Smart and with it and she is also going through the same thing with her H but she is an excellent DBer—comes natural to her. She’s very stable.

I feel so guilty for breaking down in front of the kids. I feel like a bad mother and I feel like I am worrying them and giving them so much more stress than they should have. They are the ones who called H because they were so upset and didn’t know what to do. They told him I was upset because they lied to me. I told them later it wasn’t their fault, but the damage is done. I kept saying “I need a break, I need a break, I can’t handle it.” My poor kids are probably afraid I will bolt and never come back. I swear, sometimes I feel like doing it.

H is going to add insult to injury this weekend and tell them he will be going away for a year and only see them once a month. I just feel so weak and helpless at this point.

Seems more like the slow boat to hell today.

Althea

The slow boat to hell- I am on that boat with you. I too am losing it in front of my kids and they know their dad is the reason- I feel your pain

((((Althea))))

Love,
Lisa

Althea -
I fully feel your pain - but I must confess your post gave me a little chuckle too. I can remember, when my kids were small, actually crying over spilt milk - literally. I SO remember that feeling of exhaustion and being frazzled, that made little things blow up into enormous things.

Some of it is obviously the unrelenting nature of being the only parent in the house, in your case. And some of it is the lingering pain of Dr. Headuphisbutt leaving you. But consider, too, the possibility that your hormones aren't balanced yet. I know, in retrospect, that part of the reason I had trouble coping when my kids were little was because my Graves disease was so bad at the time.

Have you had your thyroid levels checked lately? Been missing any doses? Had a recent change in your thyroid dosage? Having problems with any other hormones? Email me if you want to talk more about it. Remember, too, that depression is a symptom of low thyroid, and many patients on T4 only meds like Synthroid say they remain symptomatic until switching to a T3-containing product like Armour. (Not all, but a definite subset).

And have you given any thought to creative ways you could take some of the pressure off while H is gone? Trade a room with a college student in exchange for some babysitting or help with the house? Have a cousin come stay for a few months? Sometimes just having another adult in the house to talk to helps.

Ellie

(((Althea)))

Nothing productive to say except that I've been there a lot lately. I am really trying to keep it together in front of the kids, but boy, is it hard.

I have to run.

Take good care,
N

Althea..........your post has brought me to tears..........I recognize so much of your feelings !!!!!

What happened to our life ???!!!

{{{Althea}}} What a tough day. It is so hard and sometimes it is so overwhelming. The littlest things can set the tears free. It is hard and our h's just don't understand. My h has the boys about 10 hours a week and never overnight and we got into a kind of heated argument about it today. He said do you want me to quit my job and I told him no I would like you to get your kids once in a while.

Anyways...I know it is tough and you are so strong, talented, and beautiful and don't you forget it!!!

Hugs to you, Althea.

I'm so sorry - but know that the occasional meltdown is NORMAL. Doesn't feel that way, but normal for the given circumstances. You are human.

Glad you called H. Is there anyway that you can set up schedule where he takes them more often, so you have a little more free time? I really don't think "no" is an option for him...he is still a father. And, with his year-long leave coming up, I think it's in his best interest to take them now more than he usually does.

Hang in there....you will be OK.

brings those monkeys of yours to NJ, and you go away for a while

I will give them Benadyrl

You know he is leaving for a year and it is increasing your frustrations with the way things are at this moment.

This moment does not define you or your life. It should not be allowed to either. This is something you need to meditate on.

Do not let your fears of his leaving you with the kids taint your life with the kids. It is completely normal to know you will need an occasional break from the kids. If he were not leaving you could expect that.

Since we know that is not the case, you MUST start considering how you will begin arranging some quality time for yourself. You must start planning who will help you make this happen. You must start looking at full week camps for summer breaks. Send the kids to one camp while you go to another. Have someone responsible on call in case one of the rug rats breaks an arm and you can't get there for a couple days.

Who can take them for a weekend every couple months? Who can you trade out with? Surely you can watch someone elses kids on an occasional weekend if you know you are going to be treated in kind.

If none of that sounds possible, buy a few dog costumes in kids sizes and find a local kennel run by a very near sighted OLD person.

You must start taking care of yourself on the next level.

A wonderful response Was2sad,
I have been there too , in that awful half world, with my children when their father blasted off into Outer Space ...Wish I had come up with the idea of dog costumes then.
LOL LOL LOL Chuckle Chuckle

But it too shall pass

Love and light

Bislandgal