I swear to God I will go to MY doctor and get xanax to take MYSELF if I have to read that you asked your h for yet another hug....And HS--where are you?? Find something for Tam to take that will make her mouth NOT ask him anything about the M, let alone analyze it or repeat it, over and over and over...OMG!! The asking for hugs--really hits me hard b/c of my beautiful but pathetic sister's behavior-(buttons pushed, lights flashing, alarms ringing)--RE-read my sister's story b/c she constantly asked her H about the status of their M until she shoved him right out the door into OW's arms, and she asked for hugs and did that EXACT thing and I saw her stbxh's face as he "hugged" her, and he could not wait to flee... she preferred the momentary "comfort" of a hug begrudgingly given, to having self respect, and actually an increased chance of long term M success...
....okay, now I feel a little better. Did I, by chance, make my point Tam? Somehow, some way, you have to just do this, okay? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I did one day this week and he was all sad about, I will need to see how he does with a month!!!
He really made me mad.
See Tam you have to get mad, really really mad. I am so mad right now, I am not even going into the house until he comes out to take his butt to work. Well, I have to go in for the kids. I will just lock myself in the bathroom then.
I think the pill for the MLCer is arsenic, or something like that....
I LOVE the line, "don't take this personally" as a reason an MLCer gives for leaving...gee, why would you take it personally? Hmmmm, oh yeah, now I remember. B/C you are Married!! And btw, ending a marriage is a flippin' PERSONAL thing to do....sheesh!!
Okay, so you are in the human race and erred. Was it really your backslide that caused the outburst from him, or the reverse? IF you triggered the words from him, then what about text messaging him and apologizing, or setting up a time for it?
And if he is an MLCer, don't forget to ignore everything he says and believe only half of what he actually does...a lot of the reconciling consists of 2-3 steps forward, with 1-2 backwards. I am still doing that with H, but less often, less severely and with faster make ups on both ends.
They can only handle so much guilt/shame and we have to make sure we can find the line between wise enforcement of a healthy boundary, and holding something over someone's head forever. They have to know you are capable of moving forward. And yes, that means forgiving, and no, that is not easy. Hardest thing ever, so far. I keep thinking I have forgiven H, but then some trigger comes up and bites me in the rear. I think forgiveness (yes it is for us, etc) is like having a baby. You conceive it, it grows and eventually you give birth to it and you're done. But it takes a long time to go from embryonic status to full fledged "I'm Here!" status. Make sense? What's up with your H anyhow? I don't know your sitch, where is your thread? If it's not intuitively obvious, I'll be lost in cyber land b/c I am computer illiterate. In law school the computers were just emerging. I figured all the little people who would eventually work for me at my big important law firm, would know what to do with the silly machines...BIG mistake. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
????????? You feel lost, sad and unable to sleep ?????????
FOR moving office furniture, from the office, to your home that you live in, but is still owned by your husband and you jointly -the time being...they are material things - a desk, chair, files, papers, office products...these things have no feelings. You are having them moved from point A to point B...you aren't going to throw them out...they don't represent your marriage...they are pieces of your job...that's all...just furniture.
You are NOT:
1. asking for a divorce 2. telling your husband you don't love him 3. leaving him 4. showing him you aren't honoring your vows 5. failing 6. giving up 7. loosing anything 8. lost 9. sad
You ARE:
1. moving an office...only 2. going to be able to work 3. going to be able to concentrate 4. getting out of the source of your pain...your husband 5. going to get back your personal power 6. going to accomplish much more 7. going to feel empowered 8. going to feel better...less stressed, more focused - like a weight has been lifted
It would be fun to rearrange the house...put the desk on an angle or add potted plants...hang motivational pictures...this is your office...all yours...
Tam, sweetie,...this is your emotional rescue...from all of your pain...this will let you gain control...the pain will subside...
Splurge...buy a new fax...fax him papers, info. he needs...it will save you gas...buy yourself a new outfit...eat a lobster... reward yourself for making the decision to save your marriage... by moving the office home...you will soon see the results....
TimTam - what is it exactly that you are doubting about the move?
I do know that you are doing the best you can as fast as you can. I don't doubt that for a second. I also know the horrible feeling of acting before you can stop yourself (that was my drinking and dialling period!!!). I really empathise.
Concentrate on doing what works - then you will do less of what doesn't work. OK?
Have you read anything about the law of attraction?
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
How are you doing? Here is a link for my new thread. Steelersfan posted some good stuff on there. It helps me to read it over and over. It is about standing.
Thanks, HS. Yes, the information posted by Steelers Fan is very helpful. Thank you for sharing it. I hope it helps you, too.
Well, imagine this... I'm up again in the middle of the night and can't sleep! I know it's a stretch and hard to believe, right? Ugh...
Thanks for all of your posts and support of my move. I am hanging in there so far. I have not called the moving company to cancel and would not do so on Monday morning on short notice so am hoping I can find the strength to follow through with this, for me.
H called me this morning to let me know that he was getting some flowers for the job site if I wanted to stop by to put them where I wanted them to be planted so that I could participate. (I recently told him he has been making a lot of decisions by himself about the job site that we normally would make together and that that bothered me.) Anyway, it was nice of him to think about what I said and consider my feelings.
So I spent most of the day doing that. H was there most of the time working, and we had some nice intermittent conversations about business. I know I shouldn't have spent so much time with him today, but at least I did not backslide in asking any R/M questions or asking for a hug or anything like that. He started talking about a new piece of real estate he was looking into buying (WE would be buying), and he was asking me some questions about financing and whatnot. I participated in the conversation and plan to not really say anything about not wanting to buy anything else "together" right now until this is sorted through until/if he actually becomes serious about putting something under contract to buy. No use in rocking the boat prematurely. So, he ditched me at the end of the evening when I had a meeting with someone, which was fine and expected.
I can sense how my ways the past several days have pushed him away - or I may just be overly sensitive right now. I know I must do what it takes to, as Virginia says, focus on doing what works so that I can do less of what does not work. What works right now is giving him space so that he has a chance to miss me and us and see what it will be like without me. Although it hurt to be away from him while I was in Vegas and when he took off those couple of days to wherever he went, I suspect that that is the time he did his thinking which he claims to have done to reconsider his decision about saving our M. If I don't let him continue along that journey, I am just going to push him away, and I know that.
Yes, 25, I realize that I DO find comfort in the short moments he sacrifices to give me a hug or reassure me about our M rather than avoid those contacts and focus on how that will affect our LONG-TERM relationship. I get impatient and scared and just want to feel some comfort, even if it's short-term. I know that at the end of the day that only hurts our long-term chances. I need to just keep reminding myself of that fact whenever I get these feelings of desperation to try to DO something that is not positive to make things better.
Lin, I hope you will not leave me, regardless of the decisions I make. I know you have your own problems, and I'm sincerely sorry that you are going through more difficulties in your M and with you children right now and hope it all works out for you. You have worked so hard and been so patient; you deserve to come out standing on the other side happy and with your family intact. I know with all of the strength you have you will find a way to do this if it's what you really want. Your advice and encouragement has helped me through many a bad day; it has truly been invaluable for me. Please know that and that when I don't do exactly what some/all of you think I should do, it's not because I'm not listening and/or that I'm disrespecting either you, your time, or your much-appreciated advice. I am simply trying to find my way, the best way I know how right now with the strength I've been able to muster up so far. I am fighting a very head-strong mentality, a personality with much impatience, a personality of someone who always wants to fix things and make things better - NOW. We all must take our own journeys in this horrible hell we have/are going through. Though we may not always choose to or be able to follow in the same path as others and act as others have, it doesn't mean we are not taking our own journey and doing what it is we are supposed to be doing in our lives to learn whatever we can from it. I know you said when you were going through this you took the advice that was given to you and applied it and would have done anything to save your M. I feel the same way as you did; I promise I do. My head-strong ways and impatience and hurt just get the best of me sometimes, more often than it sounds like they got the best of you in your journey. I am where I'm at now for a reason, a reason I do not yet fully understand, a reason I need to keep searching for in order to heal and get through this and save my M and myself. These backslides I do are not healthy; I realize that. However, they must be part of this journey I am taking that will eventually hopefully make me stronger and help me to "see" what it is I am learning through all of this. I was hurt when I read your post that you would detach from me if I do not move my office, and that made me determined to do it just for that reason. But then I regrouped and realized that if I don't do this for ME and my M and not for anyone/anything else I am doing myself and my M a huge disservice and won't be taking the personal stand that I need to take for the right reasons. This is why I say that I hope you'll stand by my side no matter what happens, not because I want to hurt you by any means; that is the last of my intentions; but because you are a wonderful, caring person who has helped me so very much. Your guidance is helping me through this journey, regardless of the mistakes and backslides that I make. However, your journey is also very important to me, and at the end of the day, if you feel like I am bringing you down in any way, I certainly don't want that, so I understand and respect whatever decisions you need to make regarding sticking by me. Whatever happens, just always know how much you have impacted me and my life in the darkest days I've ever faced.
1210, thanks for shedding some much-needed light on the positives of the move. That really helped. I guess I'm just scared because it feels like I'm letting go, and I'm scared that he won't miss me and won't come around and that I'm letting go of the main opportunities I have to see him/be with him right now. Even though when I do see him I torture myself most of the time and it hurts so much, it feels like that is better than no contact at all, but I know that is probably not going to be the case and that I will feel much better and stronger when I quit putting myself in the position every single day to easily backslide and hurt myself.
For now, I just need to pray that what he has told me is true, that he really has reconsidered and does want to give our M another chance, and I need to view our glass as half full right now in order to improve my PMA rather than not believing him and letting myself continue this downward spiral of hopelessness. You're right, 1210, in what you said about me constantly asking him again about this and if he really meant it and may change his mind again, etc. - his actions for the most part don't match his words, and that's what hurts so much. To have been told that he now wants to work on our M but then to have him continue to sleep in another woman's bed is really hard to understand and internalize. Since I am not able to make any rational sense of it, I guess that is why I keep asking him about it; to make sure it is still what he is feeling, to ease my mind and heart, when in the end it only probably makes matters worse, for him and for me.
So, I'll work on just taking what he said at face value and believing it until I am asked/forced to do otherwise. I will work on giving him his space and concentrating on me and getting caught up on my work and becoming more stable physically, mentally, and emotionally. I think he respected me when I took a stand and went to Vegas by myself. Now he sees me as weak once again and needy, and I know that is not what he wants. My best chance at continuing to find strength and be my own person and draw him closer to me is to give him and myself space right now. I know I need to work on me, and I do want to do that. As I said, I guess I'm just not sure quite yet what exactly I am supposed to be learning from all of this. There are bits and pieces that are becoming more clear, such as my communication issues and codependency issues that you mention, but there is mroe than that. I honestly was NOT clingy and needy when we were "fine" before November - at least I don't feel like I was. These actions are a result of my temporarily losing my mind and going through this hell. Michele says when we do this it will be the hardest thing we've ever done. Isn't that so true? It is bringing out the worst in me in many ways. I am clingy and needy now because I feel something that is so important to me slipping through my fingers, and I'm struggling to keep it in my hands; it's that feeling of desperation, the threat of losing something so important to me, that sends me into tailspins and makes me feel like I need to DO/SAY something to get H to just listen to me and get his head straight. This obviously does not work, but that head-strong, never say die attitude inside me just doesn't want to let go sometimes. Each of our own personality traits plays into our own personal journeys. What may be easy for one person may be the hardest thing in the world for someone else and vice versa. My main weakness right now is batting my own self as far as doing what I know needs to be done to save our M (giving him space and distance and growing stronger on my own) versus what my never say die attitude is telling me (to keep doing/saying something/ANYTHING to feel like I'm being proactive in "fixing" this). As I've said all along, if I could only turn that never say die attitude in the right direction, to do what I know needs to be done, I would finally be headed consistently (to the extent possible) down the right path. This is part of my own personal journey.
Okay. I'm rambling once again. Am going to attempt to get a few more hours of sleep tonight. Just wanted to check in and say thanks for your support about the move. At this point I'm stall planning on going through with it AND am scared but hope at the end of the day it is one of the biggest and best steps I will take to save my M. Did I mention that I miss him????? Ugh....
Just a quick note for you. It is the worst feeling to be so scared and lost. But we have to dig down farther than we ever had to before and dig out that little bit of strength that is there and build on it. I know I am trying. The reserve that was always there to rely on is gone.
I am proud of you that you are making the decision to move and sticking to it. You need to. It is for you...You have to do what is right for you.
I have to run. Got a lot of business work outside today to keep me busy and to keep my mind busy. I just wnated you to know I was still thinking about you.
Have a great day today and keep your head up...GAL...
"My head-strong ways and impatience and hurt just get the best of me sometimes"
Knowledge is power sweetie. Here's a place to start: Start noticing what triggers your head-strong actions/impatience, and come up with something to do when you start feeling that way...pinch yourself, count to 500, leave the room, ANYTHING to break the cycle. The more you can stop yourself, the better you'll feel about yourself, and the better the sitch will become.
Also, it's vital to have a PMA, but you need to look for the positives in yourself, hon. Hanging all your hopes on H's words is like building the Sears Tower on a foundation of sand, because he's just saying the words he knows you want to hear. It's essential to have hope, but please focus on the hope that someday YOU will be in a better place, rather than that H will someday wake up and bring you to a better place.
Understand the difference? It's subtle, but powerful.
