Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Life goes on, and it ain't about Job

81

I have been wondering about you.

believe me, all of us feel your pain.

8,
Yes, we do feel your pain. They certainly put their "needs" before everyone elses. They seem to think they are not hurting the kids. They just bury their head in the sand.

YOYO. You are absolutly right on the money here....

Hell I have been trying to get my STBXW to just have atleast one family day a week for the kids and she can not even suck up her pride for one day of family time for the kids sake. OH, the kids will understand what happened when they get older and she will have to deal with that demon on her own.


8,
Keep strong brother I feel your pain and you are in my prayers.

Later,
Ben

Ford,YM, and O;
Thanks, it does help to know others have been there, are there, and have lived to tell the tale.

I am confused, I want to get to the point where I am unaffected by my wife's behavior, but how do I preserve wanting to be married to her as I get to that point?

The POS OM issue seems insurmountable. I really don't know how much longer I can take it. I try to focus on positive images of my wife and I together in the future, I try to thought stop when images of her and OM come to mind, I try to detach, but none of it works, and the same thoughts and images keep coming up. I keep coming back to the same place, if I really don't care what she does or who she does it with, then I can't see how I would want to be married to her.

Why did she have to do it this way? If she is done, fine. File, go through the process, then move on to POS. Why the most painful possible choice? And in the face of it all, why not just pull the trigger? WTF? You want a divorce, you are engaged to someone else, you are having sex with it, you have abandoned your family and your home, you have burned almost every bridge you ever built, you are lying to and about the person who was your best friend and has been there for you longer then anyone, you have shown that you are content seeing your kids for a day and a half every two weeks, but you won't just go ahead and file. At the same time you refuse to talk about it. I just don't get it.

By not walking on eggshells and living your life for yourself. Once you are happy by yourself then it it time to make your desc to stand. Until then get your life on track and just let go. I know it is easier said than done but I have actually been right where you are right now but I had a couple of added twists in mine. I feel your pain.....Once you are truely detatched then you will be able to live your life for you and your kids.




Are you still in love with her or are you just there to preserve the family life?



I am not going to qoute you whole last par. so I will just comment on it.

You W seems to be just like mine and so many others on here. If we actually knew the answers to those questions we would all be making millions right now. My STBXW has done the exact same thing and still does to an extent. Once I filed and threatened to take the kids from her she has started to actually act like a mother again. Not my W but at least a mother and at this point in time that is all I really want for my kids. That is what makes my sitch so hard because I still believe it is just a big show while the D hearing is still going on and I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with it because I still do not believe her.

All I can say is that you need to do what is best for you and your kids. If you have not already started. Start a journal and keep track of every moment she spend with the kids and every moment you spend with the kids. Be very specific....I am not saying snoop but keep it strictly to the kids. That is what your lawyer will ask you for if it goes that far. I am not saying it will but it is always best to protect you and your intrests.

EX: If you are a supervisor or a manager you would keep track of your associates attendence correct? If they where not doing there job they would eventually get fired. However, without proper documentation there would be a chance you could get in trouble with the courts. But with the proper documentation your case is sealed and there is no questions about if you owe them anything or not.

Look at it as protecting your interests. You interests are now your kids not your W. Yes you still love her and yes you want to be with her.....But do we always get what we want?

As far as detatching. It is a hard process and you are not there yet. Hell I am not there yet and I really do not think I ever made it there. However, I detatched enough to realize that what I wanted in my life was the safety and well-being of my kids and to be happy again. Fortunately, I am almost there.

You have a lot to think about here. You need to figure out where YOU want to be in your life. If it is with your W then "STAND" if it is just happy and with your kids, well that is a different story for a different time.

8,
What do YOU want?

O;
Man, I know you have been there and done that. I really appreciate your post. But I still don't get it. I guess the honest answer is that I want both. I want to heal my relationship with my wife and move forward in a positive direction, but I also want to preserve my family and protect my kids.

What I don't get is letting go, but holding on. I want to let go because it all hurts so bad, and is not healthy for anyone, most importantly the kids, but I still see the possibility of a good marriage, and a fulfilling relationship. Each and every day that possibility is erroded more and more by her actions and choices, and it just seems like at the time I feel like letting go, I will also feel like moving on.

IMHO you can not do both. I believe that you actually have to just let go in hopes that they return later down the line. By holding on you are still applying pressure to the R and the spouse realizes it. Eventhough you ay not.

I am not saying run out and file but maybe just forget about being married for a while and concentrate on your life with out her. Act as if you are D'ed already but are still living in the same house. When you have interactions with her you have to be civil due to the kids sake but now you do not have to walk on egg shells or worry about her in anyway.

Hope that helps. Just seems like you two are on different paths right now that may or may not cross again. Hopefully they do.

Take care,
O

Well, wife called tonight and told me Divorce paper work is ready to pick up. She though it would be better then having me served. This all after asking how work went, and how my day was, and talking to all the kids. I told her thanks, and I would pick it up when I had a chance. I guess she really did know what she wanted all along, exactly 6 months (current ave. length of D in this state)prior to OM retirement and being able to move here. I really want to stand, but at every step along the way I get punched in the mouth. I am tired.

I have some peace today, this is what she has said she wanted, and I think it is time to start giving it to her. I am ready to let go. I have tried to give her space and time, I have not preassured her, initiated R talks, said ILY, I have made some strides at GAL, and all along the way, she won't even talk about how or why she is doing this. I think it will be like everyone has been saying, she will have to figure it out in her own way and on her own timetable. At some point she will realize what she has thrown away and what she has lost, and who she has become, but until she does there really is nothing else for me to do other then get on with it.

I will call the lawyer today, and get started. Tell wife we need to close joint account, she needs to step up with the kids, take them 2 nights a week, at least until bedtime, she needs to take over all her bills incl. auto ins. and pay off the last power bill in her name. She needs to come and get the rest of her stuff if she wants it.

I think I am where I need to be, THIS SUCKS!

I'm sorry it has come this far. Make sure you protect yourself. You're a good man. You have taken good care of your family and stood for your marriage. Just keeping on praying. It's not over yet. You are right she will wake up from her fog someday and realize what she has done, she'll realize the grass is not always greener. Hug your children, they give us the most peace!