Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE ssm--low desire with spouse..but not ld person

IS there anyone who has felt ld towards their spouse but feels strong desire to others? It is more EA than anything I am sure. One thing I noticed is I don't want to kiss or be intimate like that....my H will say "we just had sex " Or do you want to make love or just have sex. I always choose the latter.

Hi runner, I remember feeling that way early in my marriage. I had sexual feelings but they weren't directed at my H. Eventually I became LD altogether. What quality in your H do you feel is missing? Is there a way to communicate with H to get this need met?

Hi newjourney-

I know that a part of me doesn't like how he is short tempered with the kids. That is a real problem and I told him that is the most unattractive thing. And I guess the only thing I can think of is ...trying to pinpoint when this lack of feeling occurred. It was two yrs ago and I felt invisible. I lost l;ike 40 pounds after our third child and went to a size 2...and he didn't really make me feel good. "10 yr anniversary I wore a black halter dress..and is first response was "you are wearing that? All I am wearing is golf shorts and a shirt? We don't have to get so dressed up.:"

Now I have been at home with the kids and feeling like I need to get out and felt good about my weight loss...and that wasn't what I wanted to hear.

Other people noticed me...and that stirred up feelings...i didn't seek the feelings out.

new journey-

have your feelings gotten better?

runner

I think it's great you lost the weight and have a desire to be recognized as a woman and not just a mother. Have you discussed this at all with your H?

I have to go out now but will check in later.

Sounds like the guy's mind was chronically elsewhere. I can't say more without further detail.



So for you, dressing up is a way to have fun and show off your new bod? I would guess that for him, dressing up is something you do when you have to, when you're going to go to work and not have fun. His idea of "getting away from it all" does not include dressing up.

Also, if he's anything like me, a casual outfit on a woman, especially one that fits well, is damn sexy. No makeup, a well-fitting T-shirt (tight but not TOO tight), jeans or a skirt or a pair of shorts, and sneakers or flat sandals... yummm! A great way to show off your new bod!

Now where was I.... oh yeah, it seems you took his remark about dressing up to mean all sorts of things that were never intended by him. And he took your dressing up to mean something you never intended. And he had his head elsewhere for too long anyway, which only fed your tendency to do this. (And, for all I know, maybe you did too.) I can't say whether he was spaced out enough to not notice a 40 pound (!) weight loss, or whether he simply sees your weight as Something Not To Be Talked About, but either way y'all seem to be spending too much time anticipating each other's reaction and interpreting the hell out of what is said and not enough time actually talking and listening to each other's words.

Well, I do agree that for him...he isn't much into the clothes scene. Where as I love clothes and have found that since the weight loss, it is so fun to finally wear things I never imagined. He has said things like, you won't wear that unless I'm with you. Which is fine. That doesn't bother me....it is better than "you are wearing that...why are you getting sod ressed up?"

His head was elsewhere and is often consumed with his work. He is an owner...which makes it challenging ....He has a lot on his shoulders.

You know I feel like I can never be happy with myself unless I stay where I am at...with my size. Now a size 0-2. But I kinow that the size is only because I workout all of the time to get that release and that endorphin oost.

I just want to be able to kiss my husband and feel good about it. Often times I wish there were some magic pill to bring back those feelings.

btw, thanks for the nice compliment about the weight loss....I look the best I have ever looked...yet inside i feel like such a mess. Such a fraud.

[quote=NewJourney]I think it's great you lost the weight and have a desire to be recognized as a woman and not just a mother. Have you discussed this at all with your H?

I have...and he knows that i just like to put on make up, get dressed up, and feel good. As a stay at home mom....i live in sweats and shower mid afternoon! SO when I do go out, It is a luxury to get decked out. Sometimes, he will even get angry and say "wy are you getting all decked out to workout!" But that is my time to see people...I typically am home the rest of the day doing activities with my kids. I like to look nice because I feel better about myself. Nothing more. And I do tell him this...

Do you think he's carrying that load well? Does he think so? Or is he expecting everything to fall apart at any minute? What you've said so far leads me to think the latter... that he thinks his business is about to go straight to hell and he's about to be exposed as an incompetent loser. Pessimism in this area can spill over into his whole life, make him cranky and spaced out and unconfident, and affect your perception of him.



Working out is a good idea... keeps your energy level up. And being overweight is a physical and mental drag, so you have some justification to think that staying at a healthy weight is important. However...



So even at a healthy weight, you don't feel good about yourself. While gaining all that weight back would just make things worse, there is something else bugging you now that's distracting you from enjoying the good things in your life and truly connecting with the people you love, and the same seems to be true of him. Whatever it is, you might have previously eaten to escape from it, and now you might be exercising to escape from it. You've got to get to a point where you can actually let go of it for good instead of hiding from it or suppressing it.

How can you do that? I'll tell you as soon as I manage to do it myself!

Oh yeah, does he work out too? If not, tell him that it'll give him more energy, a better mood, more confidence and help his brain work better and his performance at work (and elsewhere) improve. It'll basically deliver what those Enzyte commercials promise (well, except for the bigger wang).

And maybe that "lovin' feeling" of yours will be helped along by his developing muscles.