The X stayed home today feeling pretty sick. Called me this morning for me to take son to school. Should I call to check on her or let her go through this alone?
I had my son this past W/E and we decided to travel to visit grandparents 300 miles away. My XW offered me her car for the trip since it gets twice the gas mileage as my truck.
When I returned the car, I left a note on the seat that said "thank you". She called to tell me your welcome.
Last night when she came by my house to pick up son, she was visibly disturbed. I asked if she was ok. She said "my life sucks, I hate it and I can't take it anymore." I said I'm here if you need to talk.
I guess it wasn't just me making her unhappy....go figure.
XW is coming to the house this weekend to help with various chores so we can place it on the market.
It is going to be difficult because any extended time together just ruins my PMA and I feel myself letting anger build because of so many unanswered questions.
It can be hard to resist asking if she ever figured out what she was unahppy about?
Jet, It sounds as though your W is discovering that life as an "independent woman" aint what it cracked up to be. You must, and I stress must, stop worrying about what she is doing. Stop answering the phone, let her leave a message, and take your good old time responding. Show her that you have more important things to do than serve her needs. She will then start to get curious and things will start to change dramatically.
Here is what happened to my WAW male cousin Brian and his W Robin. They married in high school, both finished, due to her getting pregnant. They went on to have two more children. Robin one day, some 6-7 years ago, came to Brian and wanted a D. She had found someone new. Well she got her D and went to live with the OM. About a year went by and OM dumped Robin. Meanwhile Brian had found an OW who was very nice. Robin wanted Brian back and they remarried about a year later. Today they are happier than they ever have been. Obviously Robin truely loved Brian. He was able to let her go and she did come back. The bottom line is that we must all detach from our Ss. Let them go but still love them unconditionally. This does not mean become a doormat. We must set limits. You must go out and GAL. This includes finding a new female friend. Who knows, you nmay find someone new. Then watch your W come running back. Thats the problem, you start a new R with someone else and they think we will take them back just like that. Its tough, I know, but you must GAL.
I have been in a lurking mode for several weeks. There has not been any positive changes or interactions lately with XW. We are on a more business like communication at the moment.
My GAL has worked wonders for my PMA but I need to stay very busy or I find myself a bit down and depressed. I was at a place where these down periods were happening less frequently but I have had an emotional setback.
I learned over the weekend that my X became involved with this OM just a few days after our divorce was final and it is continues. The hard part for me is I know the OM as I was friends with his brother. There were times during our marriage that I was suspicious of an EA between he and my X and to learn that a relationship began so quickly after D has given me this feeling of being betrayed. Almost feel she left to pursue him. If not, then the OM was at a minimum a distraction that may have prevented my X from reconnecting.
Although in the past, learning that the reason she told me she wanted a D may not have been entirely true, my healing process has taken a severe jolt.
That is rough news and I'm sorry its happened to you. Yet, stop analyzing/focusing on her and shift that focus to yourself. Nicely done with the GAL work. Be sure to work in some Venusian self-care, as Martha would say.
As long as you keep improving, the discrepancy between yourself and the OM will continue to become more and more obvious.
Quote: then the OM was at a minimum a distraction that may have prevented my X from reconnecting.
Bad news, but there are a few upsides. It should make this more easy for you to detach. I would relook at what was written above about the story how the wife Robin came back to her X after being with OM.
It is no doubt that the presence of OM helped ensure that no real progress would be made. But this is still about you. Continue with positive changes, get a life, maybe date a little if you are ready. At the very least, finding that other women can take an interest in you is a boost for your PMA. Be as positive and happy as possible.
In my sitch, my X had someone else as well. While it was only emotional the whole time it also prevented her from considering even trying with me. Now the relationship is over and she's wondering what she was thinking. She realizes that she made no effort to try because of this other attachment. And now it's not so easy to just come back. I've grown comfortable without her and the thinking part of me demands to see real changes before leaping back in. For the first time in a year I think she's starting to get her mind around it. Will we be back together? I haven't closed the door on that, but we'll just have to see how it goes with her.
We all have phases to go through. She has hers with OM. Who knows what will come of it. But you really need to focus on what you need to do for yourself and just be patient with this healing process. You'll get there. And at some point you'll close the chapter that included your XW. Then you can either write a new chapter with someone else or your XW will see the man you are and wish to be included in your life. It would be preferable to be in the position to make a decision about your future when you are whole and healthy. You need to heal from this regardless.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
