Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Is it over for me?

Theo,

I am not the hero - yes, I are getting thru this but I could not have done as well as you for as long as you have been at it.

The day I saw the Ow's truck at H apt I knew I did not have it in me to continue down that path. I am just lucky that she was such a vortex and way to impatient and pressured H to no end.

It was due to your help that I became the positive force in his life. You posted so many things that kept me grounded and focused - you need to take your own postings to heart!! You are the Master you just need to believe in what you write to all of us. Sometimes we all offer such good advice for others but have a hard time following it ourselves

Looking within is the hardest part of DBing - you help us do that every day!! I am praying for you! Now get past the sadness wave - BABY STEPS and keep the faith. It's Friday and we survived another work week!

Theoden and YYW,
Keep your heads up. Remember that it's a roller coaster and every low is followed by a high. Yesterday I was completely stressed by the sitch with Ws car. The comments from this forum helped me to gather myself and act as if I was just helping out a friend with car trouble. Turned out to be a great victory for me getting control over my emotions and detaching.

What ever is getting you down is just another opportunity for you to overcome it and build up your self confidence.

SD

Yoyo, HB and SuperDad,

Thanks for the encouragement.

--Theoden

Theo,
Just hijacking yoyo's thread to give you a hug. {{{Theo}}}
Have you started your own thread yet, friend?

Our daughter is home from college for spring break. She had friends visiting from out of state that came down Thurs. night. Fri. night they decided they wanted to grill out steaks so she had to call my H to see if he would bring the bbq grill to the house that he had taken with him when he moved out. She said that she had called him and he was going to bring it over Fri. afternoon and he was going to eat with us (she invited him). I was finishing getting ready Fri. afternoon in the bathroom when in walks my H to let me know that he had brought the grill and would have to come back later because the computer people were at his office working. I asked him if he wanted company while he waited on them so I went back to the office with him. While I was there I was weak and asked him if he wanted to stay the night. He got clothes and did stay with me and left about 11:00 Sat. morning. I did not hear from him Sat. night and I have not called him either. Okay, I'm confused if he really wants a divorce why does keep staying the night with me even if it is me who asks him? He has not mentiond the divorce since the afternoon we got in an argument 2 weeks ago. He stayed a night last weekend also. When we are together I always keep conversation light. I always try to let him know that I'm interested in his work and and such and keep him informed on our daughters activities. Any thoughts?

As long as you keep expectations to zero it's okay. But that's not easy. Any physical connection IS a connection and that *can* work in your favor (there's info about that on this site), but you have to stay emotionally detached so you don't get hurt.... that was the hardest thing for me. Detaching while keeping physically involved was VERY hard. Good luck to you.

Keep in mind women and men react differntly to phyical connection (for men it can be purely physical, while for women it is often emotional). When keeping up a physical connecton look for little ways you can add emotional connection for him as well. How can you be his friend? What actions help him feel close to you emotionally?

Root,
Again thanks for the words of wisdom. It's getting a lot easier not to call him. I used to be such a wreck that I would try to find any reason to call him. Now the only time I call him is when it has something to do with the girls or he has mail. I haven't heard from him since Sunday. Our youngest daughter is trying out for school dance team. That is keeping us very busy. It seems so odd not having him at home to tell him how things are going with the tryouts. We also spent a couple of hours at the ER last night checking on one of her friends that passed out and hit her head. It seemed so strange not to call him and tell him about D's friend, but I really thought it might just seem like a ploy to call him. Keep in mind that this is a child that he has known for 11 years. It's so hard not having him to share these things with. I am keeping my distance from here. Any ideas that you wish you to share about your former situation are much appreciated. I also welcome idea from anyone.

I remember having those same feelings that my husband was missing so much and it felt so strange.

With special events and fun things you are doing with the kids, make sure you take lots of photos and put them up around the house, also give him copies of some of them. It's good to let them see the fun things they are missing out on.

Also, for Father's Day I had the kids make things for their dad that he could use at his apartment (a decorated box for storing papers, a decorated key holder, etc...) We also gave him a framed photo of him with the kids and it was one of those frames that said all sorts of sentimental things about dads around it. I think it's good for WAS to have plenty of reminders of the kids around the house. Something good for them to look at when they are feeling lonely....

One more thing... I made copies of old family videos, when the kids were young, Christmases together, etc... (moved them to DVD... if you don't have the equipment to do it yourself there usually are businesses around that can do that for you), and gave an extra copy to my husband. I figured watching those in his apartment would be a great reminder of what he was losing.

And yet... one more thing... when my husband did call I'd sometimes put out a little invitation. To help facilitate a friendship with him and replace the negative memories he created with positive ones I'd invite him on evening walks every once in awhile. (In the beginning I was the one extending the invitation, but eventually he took over and I was able to pull back and allow him to ask me out. My goal was to get him to invite me and eventually that happened!). Taking evening walks was something we had done during our marriage and I used the excuse that I really needed some exercise and I didn't feel safe walking alone at night, so if he just happened to have some extra time and might even feel bored, maybe we could take a quick walk (this Thursday night 9 p.m..... give an actual day and time). During these walks I would let him do most of the talking. I avoided all relationship talk and kept everything at a "friendship" level. Basically I offered him a non-critical, positive and supportive "place" to talk, vent and share his day. You see, I didn't want our relationship to only be physical. I wanted to build a friendship and even get him to a place where he might enjoy these interactions so much he'd look forward to them, really want to spend this time with me and eventually begin inviting me out.

This was a very gradual and long process. I had to be very careful to never appear like I was pursuing him in any way, but merely being a friend with no expectations. I did this very carefully too, by not overly inviting him, but going into the whole thing very gradually and "distantly" but yet still being a friend. Basically, it's like detaching but leaving the door open and staying very positive while having no expectations he's even going to put his toe in!

Root,
Those are great suggestions, thanks! Now I need more advice. I don't have any family that lives in town, so it will be just the girls and me for Easter. I've been delaying making any plans because I thought H may want to take our girls to his parents for Easter. But so far no invites for them. I was planning on doing something Sat. with them and be nice so he and his family could spend time with them. So I will cook for Easter for the girls and me. My question is do I call and invite him? I have not heard from him since Sunday when I invited him to dinner before our oldest D went back to college? I'm afraid it may look like I'm trying to pursue, but on the other hand he gets to spend the holiday with them.

Sorry I'm late on a reply, I haven't had a chance to go online...

I'm kind of in the same boat. I don't have a lot of family either. What I'm thinking of doing is taking the kids on a hike (or you could also visit a lake or the ocean depending where you live.. or a library with extensive gardens... or? depending on the weather...), and cooking something special of course.

If you feel comfortable you can "matter-of-factly" extend an invitiation. I used to say things like... "Well, I'm not sure if you're doing anything on Saturday, but we just happened to be ____ and you're welcome to stop by if you like." If he said he wanted to stop by I'd try to play down the whole thing (and to the kids just point out that dad and I were working towards being friends), and when he said he couldn't I'd just happily reply, "Ok... well, I hope you you have a great week/weekend... you have a wonderful time and take care." Just real "friendshipy" and expectationless. Happy either way.

I hope your weekend goes well with whatever you end up doing. If your kids do go with their dad on Sunday, make sure you do something fun for yourself. Maybe a church service, visiting a book store, or going to the park with a little wine and a nice book, or hanging out with a friend or friends....