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I'm getting this. S23 came over to spend the night and he and S15, who just got through segment one of the graduated driver's license program in our state, just went to town together.

I realized that part of my problem is that he's been gone for work since 12/05 (minus visits both ways) and I'm just overwhelmed and tired of being a single parent who's married. I can be the best me I can be, but I can't be him. Our son needs him to sit in the passenger seat once in awhile and get chauffeured around. I spoke to the boys about respecting my time and helping me keep this place up. Since they've been helping I'm getting just a little bit more comfortable about waiting until things fall into place and we can be together.

I just need to get to that place I was at when I first let him go with the trust and faith to do what he had to so that we could get out of this financial eddy. If I can get there in my heart and remember the things I've learned along the way about how I betrayed him by not listening to his *cries for help* and keep my head... I just know we can do this.

I'm starting to enjoy and appreciate the time I have left here with my family and friends and getting a little less anxious to leave it. I just need to see him really soon, here or there, and I know we will able to handle any adversity we face without giving up. S15 and I started planning a Father's Day trip in June. I hope he can get home for a bit before that, but just making a plan with S15 has given me a goal and a little bit of space.

He will be going through a lot this weekend. I will not call him with my drama or have a meltdown just to test him and see if he'll put me above her. I will check my ego right now. I will be there for him if he needs to talk and LISTEN instead of "bait" him for reassurance that he has chosen me. I will read the *Listening Reflectively* post again and stop talking so much...fishing for reassurance. I HATE that I keep doing that.

Fishing for reassurance is a tough one but sometimes it is what we need to hear too. As much as you don't want to sound needy, I know my C told me there is nothing wrong with asking for a little reassurance once in a while

You sound pretty strong to me and I wish you all the best at this tough time

Heywyre... I hope so much for you. Your encouragement means more than you know.

I didn't even ask him when he was making the "exchange"... but he called as soon as he got away from her to let me know. She kept some of the things he'd bought... a grill... some ladders... claims he "took enough from her... he took her 'joy'." ARGH. Just let it be over please.

I only asked that he give us a chance and be true to himself before moving on with someone else. He has her in the same perspective that we do... she is nothing. It was not about me, most definitely not about her, it was about him. And he wasn't thinking right.

I didn't think he'd be able to transition into loving me again. But. OMG. He is so thankful that I didn't give up on him and PINING for me. It's amazing. He still claims that me showing up down there and the chance I took with the things he was saying and the phone he wasn't answering.... he is AMAZED that I did that and it just goes to show that when you do meet someone's needs--- the need to feel appreciated and that he really matters--- their heart can go back to when they loved you and honored you like no other.

This sounds so mushy. I know that. But the point is. I did a total 180. Waited until I KNEW I'd be okay... after GAL, and lots of changes and ego checks. I KNOW that I'll be okay, no matter what. I THOUGHT that he'd have to lose me (like I did )for him to feel the depth of emotion that I'm feeling.

I was wrong.

As we hash through everything, including a LOT of financial adversity, he just appreciates me more and sees the way I stand behind him and wants to hold me and take care of me and start making everything right. As I'm sincerely in shock that his feelings for me have come back so rapidly, he is sincerely shocked that I still love him.

I feel like I'm living a Lifetime Channel Movie that no one would believe.

Kel,

I noticed you on another thread and didn't realize that I offered advice and never returned to your thread. I usually follow up.

So now I catch up on your situation and while I'm happy that things seem headed in the right direction, I'm a little leary of the promises of a man in two relationships and very concerned about you moving on the basis of what could possibly be just words. I hope this bears out.

As an aside: I know a married guy that cheated on his wife. I imagine it was more than an EA. He would be on and off with the OW depending on who was most unavailable. If the OW tried to break it off, he was all over her with love letters, etc. If his W was leaving he'd be expressing his undying love. I'm just telling you to be wary and to believe actions...not words. He is clearly capable of blowing smoke up your a$$.

Continue to show your own strength. Don't get drawn into any drama. Protect yourself.

LOL, Just_Me, that's okay. I don't keep up with my own threads. For the same reasons I've had a hard time applying the actual principles in the books, I suspect it's been hard for people to advise me. I kind of fit into most of the forums and kind of fit no where.

Until we are actually living "happily ever after" under the same roof, I don't imagine anyone would advise me to let my guard down (if ever), but I know we are piecing. Usually.

First of all. He is not in two relationships any longer. It has been hard for me to convey the nuances of change that I can see, hear and feel even as we are still unable to physically bridge the distance on a permanent basis. We're working on it though!

Michele's article on Time Together is right on, but almost as one who loses sight hones in on other senses, once I got out of denial about the state of our relationship, I can tell by his voice and patterns of actions most everything that is going on. I really always could. It drives him nuts and he always says I'm too smart/psychic for my own good. He thinks I should be a detective. LOL. He has no idea how much I haven't told him I discovered! I don't need to snoop though, he's just not that hard to read if I am facing reality instead of hiding from it.

He isn't lying to me. I admit there are things he avoids telling me if I don't directly ask (and it DOES take me a while to figure out what to ask sometimes), but it is only to keep me from worrying or melting down. Or on one occasion because of his shame. He has left her, returned the vehicle she loaned him and moved the last items from her property into his new apartment. I am on the bank account. I am on the health/dental plan. I get mail at his apartment. The new truck is in both our names. It's paid for!

He broke down in tears to his boss after I left and confessed that he couldn't believe I was giving him another chance. Boss is working with him (financially and emotionally) to get his family down to him.

At times I try to get to "how did we get to the place you could go there" so that it doesn't happen again. He honestly can't really tell me much except that he got caught up in the aura of the city he works in, the partying and comraderie of the guys that all went down to rebuild the place together, and lack of attention from myself and the kids. He felt unappreciated. He worked 10 hours a day to send home a mortgage payment for a home he felt like a stranger in. I DID resent him coming home for a visit and taking over sometimes. It sounds so stupid now. I had a lot of things to forgive myself for...

Maybe I spent money on the cable bill and got behind on a credit card payment that afternoon. Maybe he called and tried to tell me about his day while I was fighting traffic and dodging ice patches driving the kid to hockey and cut the call short that evening. I'm not sure how much I really need to know.

There were answers I wanted. Answers I needed. I got them all for now.

I know how he feels about me now.

I know I care about that again.

I know this is a *honeymoon* phase because we almost lost each other.

I know I can never take this for granted again, and that this I can control, but not much else. I can't guarantee what the fall out will be for him, but I never could anyhow and this time... I know I did my best. Sometimes success is just being able to look yourself in the mirror.

I know he believes, with all his heart, that he will be faithful to me and die looking into my eyes. I don't think anyone, at any point in their relationship, ever really knows more than that.

I've grown up a lot. We lost the innocence. We have to try harder to protect our relationship.

He is trying. Last Sunday, as I knew he was making the last trip across the bridge to retrieve the last of the belongings from her place, I had to turn my phone off and have someone else take it for a while. When I retrieved my messages hours later, I found he'd left "progress reports" the whole time he was in transit and we watched an old action flick "together" over the phone later that evening.

I'm not pretending to feel secure about this at all. But. I've faced her. I've seen the way he looked at her and the way he looks at me. The monster in the closet turned out to be shadows in the light of day. She just doesn't scare me because it was never about her. I pity her. She was used.

He is trying. He left his phone at work Tuesday evening, and because I've communicated my need to talk with him a LOT for a while, he knew I'd meltdown if he didn't answer all night. He didn't want me to feel that pain so he went next door, introduced himself to his neighbor, and asked to borrow his cell phone so he could call his wife. :-)

Or he could be totally lying. He may have made the whole thing up to keep me from calling that night or wondering why it went to voicemail. Ha. I have the neighbor's number saved though, just in case. Seriously though, he isn't the "double life" type. It tears him up. He never lied once the affair was uncovered, except to himself.

Another weekend is here. Those are the hardest for me. I still panic if I don't know what he's doing and have to fight the dreams that come to me at night. Seriously. I'm pretty good at shutting off the movies of my (very active) imagination during the daylight hours. I can't stop the dreams.

He cheated. He crossed the line. Circumstances could arise that allow him to justify cheating again. You know, just 'til I get down there, or something. I can't control any of that. The only chance we have though, is taking that leap again and worrying about it can only be bad for me. Thank you for reminding me to protect my heart. I know I can't fool you into thinking I'm doing so very well with that. My only choice is to trust him though and take the leap... we can't fix this 1300 miles apart.

Thanks again. I hope YOU'RE doing well.

So many posters on this site have helped me. Sometimes it was things you did, sometimes what you didn't do. There were times it helped me when you made me cry.

Just a few things that helped me get here, in case it triggers ideas in someone reading.

My H and I always had an *agreement*-- we both couldn't go crazy at the same time. All of you have little sayings/signs, your own relationship "code words" that no one else knows. When in those conversations--(those db opportunities when we bite our tongues nearly in half trying NOT to mention OR), I find ways to work the code phrases into the dialogue.

Same with traditions. We're getting back together by going back to the beginning with a lot of things. We're mixing it up by starting new ones at the same time. You guys taught me how to "Listen Reflectively"! Instead of monopolizing the conversation with the details about how overwhelmed I was, living the life HE had to leave, I actually learned about what he's interested in! What a concept.

It was a fine line, for me, between detaching and losing all my respect and feelings for him. I had no idea if I would be happy with what I got back should he agree to end his affair and give our marriage another chance. I wondered if I ever really knew him.

It really helped me to go back and dig out those pictures and memories and write down things I loved about him. I had to refer to that list a lot for a while, knowing all along that we can't go back, but just hoping I could find enough of a core relationship to build upon.

A few nights ago I told him I keep our bedroom clock set to "his time" because I like waking up and knowing what time it is where he is. I told him I there were lots of cards I bought and letters I wrote that I never sent. I've been writing for years. I always resented that he wasn't a "reader". He said he wanted to read every single thing I've ever written, but that he'd need glasses now.

Don't worry! I'm not stupid enough to actually let him read everything I've ever written. I'm just trying to show an example of how some things actually do get better than they were before the "bomb". How sometimes you have to look for it though, when you're fighting the resentment of what you've been through and what you face ahead of you. Sometimes if you keep working on the "little things" the big things kind of start falling into place.

So yeah.
That and phone sex.
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lol, like anyone got this far anyhow........

Hey, Kel, I wondered how you were doing now. Please stop by and tell how you are. I really appreciate the advice and encouragement you gave me.
I truly hope that things are working out well for you and your H, I believe they are...

L