Well first of all, read the divorce remedy from cover to cover.
It seems you are finding that some form of the Last Resort Technique is working for you. Good, keep at it. The most important thing about it is that it releases the pressure off your wife. The second thing is that it's giving you a little relief.
Here are some basics to think about.
1. Stop chasing her. Take the pressure off. No one is attracted to a drowning, derperate, miserable, unhappy man. As you pull back, you are giving her room to move towards you. Right now your fear and desperation are causing you to take up 98% of the space in your relationship. Pull back behind the 50% mark and let her take up some slack.
2. Get a life. YOU MUST DO THIS Take care of yourself. Start excercizing (nature's anti-depressants), start taking up hobbies you may have let slip. Take up some hobbies that are a little unusual for you. These activities have a proven psychological benefit. When you focus on something with intent, when you lose yourself in an activity, you don't dewll on your problems, and your creative side gets some oxygen and begins to kick in. Also, happy, fun people are more attractive. Yes?
3. Decide you will be OK without your wife. IT's the only way to get rid of the fear and anxiety that paralyzes us. The truth is you can't really snap out of fear. Once you believe that you don't need your wife to be happy, things will start to change. You will then start to invite her to your happy, full life rather than try to coerc her or judge her.
4. Be mysterious once in a while. Let her wonder about your wherabouts.
5. Get your sh%t together. Have you lost passion for life? Have you lost passion for your work? Is your career stalled? What's your mission in life? When a man has lost his passion/nerve/mission in life it makes him un-attractive to his wife. This is your wake-up call. This is for you, and potentially, for your wife's benefit. When you lose your mission is life, it de-masculinizes you, and your wife takes up the slack and tries to provide a mission for your family, and then she gets de-feminized. Your sexual polarity as a couple is off kilter and the attraction fades. There are two good resources on this: David Dada's The Way of the Superior Man and Cunningham's ebook, http://www.makingherhappy.com The only thing I really diagree with is these guys say if you are not happy with your wife, dump her. So, if you can ignore their dispoable view of marriage, you will have a lot to gain from them.
5. Be prepared for the emotional affair (EA) to rapidly become a physical affair (PA), if it has not already happened. They almost always do. And your wife will most probably lie to you about the physical nature of their affair. Sorry dude. That's not a death-knell for your marriage. It's not. You just need to be ready for it.
6. If she's in love with someone else, her bio-chemical state is altered. She's got endorphins and adrenaline pumping through her system for about 6-18 months. She's got a happy drug. That's the chemical component of a romance. It's almost equivalent to a form of mild psychosis. Her conscience is buried. Her reason is altered. Of course she'll say the kids will be OK. She only cares about how she feels right now. Remember Romeo and Juliet? Double suicide. Remember Othello? Murder. Listen to any good operas lately? Love makes us do crazy things. You will only survive this if you relaize your wife is nuts. THAT's not your wife.
7. In some sense she's right. This is not about the OM. It's about her. She re-defining herself. She's experiencing some form of new freedom. The alientation she felt with you part of her re-thinking everything. She's a little young to hav a mid life crisis, but it looks like one. Sexual abuse and strict religious uprbingings also cause this kind of stuff.
8. Think about what the OM gives her that makes her happy. Subtly start giving that to her if you can. Push her attraction buttons.
9. In summary: don't push her out (being nasty), don't try to pull her in (desperation and manipulation), rather, attract her back (giving space and getting a life).
You are doing great. Much better than I was at your stage.
Thanks for the advice it means a lot to me. I just got back from talking with my C and since it has been 3 weeks there was a lot of catching up to do. Rightnow I am in the process of GAL. For the first time in years I looking at what makes me happy and not saying when the W is happy I am happy. How dumb of me to take that mind set....You live you learn. I have been exercising for the last 3+ months but since my wife is working so damn much it has been hard to get a good routine going.
You are right on the money when it comes to my career stalling out. I have always done well with my career but lately I have really lost my heart for it. Now this sitch is not helping any. Thanks for pointing this out and the ramefications of it.
So what makes me happy: - Helping people - Being active(Baseball, fishing, exercise) - Being a great Dad
I know these are fairly generic but I will refine them as I go.
I just recieved a phone call from my wife, who is an RN in the local ER, she just informed me that she has a 600 pound man with Gangrene to his privates.....Not a pretty picture..Sorry I had to share that with all of you.
Another thing that I am doing is meeting with one of the pastors at my church to see what my spritual gifts are.
Well I will keep you all updated as there is more to share or if I need to vent.
One more thing I forgot to mention: the WAW often starts to re-write the marital history. "I never really loved you.", "You always ignored my feelings." "I made a huge mistake." etc. It's common. Don't let it get to you. Remember, that's not really your wife.
Let's look at that makes you happy:
1. Helping people. Serving? Teaching? Coaching? Counseling? What about helping them do you like? What gifts do you enjoy using when you help them? Here's a brain teaser: do you mostly define yourself by how you make others happy? Is that similar to how your relationship with your wife is not healthy? Think about it. I have the same gift/problem. I have trouble asserting what I want. I'm very dicplomatic. I live to please others. But..at the same time, I find joy in using certain gifts.
2. Being active. Great. Do more of it.
3. Excellent. What does that mean to you? Any goals for you kids? Any thing yuo want to pass on the them?
It seems that 2 of the 3 have to do with your serving others.
What do you want to do for your yourself? Just you?
Ballroom Dancing?
Karate?
Rock Climbing?
Painting?
Sculpting?
Gardening?
Playing pool?
How about hanging out with some male friends?
By the way...I'm so grieved about how often Christians end up on this board.
I know that I just responded to your post, but, your point # 7 really struck a cord.
7. In some sense she's right. This is not about the OM. It's about her. She re-defining herself. She's experiencing some form of new freedom. The alientation she felt with you part of her re-thinking everything. She's a little young to hav a mid life crisis, but it looks like one. Sexual abuse and strict religious uprbingings also cause this kind of stuff.
Well my wife was a PK (Preachers Kid) and when she was a teenager she was sexually asaulted. So she fits with what you described... I blew past the MLC chapter but I need to go back and read it. Thanks for pointing this out to me maybe besides the LRT there might be some other method that works better.
32 and possible in a MLC....who would have thought...
Thanks again for your support, you and your sitch are in my prayers.
Well we went to dinner tonight as a family, it was nice to see the girls smile and have fun. My oldest was tired so by the end of the night she pretty much ....well acted like a 5yr old that needed to go to bed. My wife at dinner mentioned that it was nice to see me more relaxed. I think I have my first 180. But our conversation was again very shallow and we both had a hard time looking at each other for long periods of time. We did talk a little about us on the way home from dinner. It what something like this. W - Did you think about us while you were away this past week? Me - Yeah <Silence for a minute> W - is there anything else you want to say Me - not really......... W - you have nothing else to say?? <she looked puzzled so I though I would throw her a bone> Me - I am in the process of finding out what makes me happy......I always put my happiness in making you girls happy and have realized that I need to make myself happy. W - oh .... <I think she was hoping for some drama out of me> Me - what about you did you think of us while I was gone? W - Yes.... <she takes a deep breath and thinks a little and then begins> W- I know that God will use both me and you <Takes a deep breath... then the kids interrupt>
I believe that she was going to say that he would use us but not as a couple... But I shouldn't put words into her mouth.
Well she is out for the night to discover herself. She is reading through some of her old journals and journaling in her new one. She actually asked me if it would be ok for her to go get a room for the night so she can have a nice relaxing weekend...What the....are you kidding me... I just did not answer. My wife and one of her girlfriends are going a few hours away for the night tomorrow so that they can pickup a puppy on Sunday. She claims that she just wanted to get a head start to the weekend.
I still don't know about this puppy. Neither of us has ever owned a dog, let alone training one. I'm hoping this puppy will bring some more joy into my home and not more frustration. Let keep our fingers crossed.
I should also mention that my wife is now in this lets help the needy mode. I believe that we should help were we can and what she is doing is not that abnormal for us but it seems like she is doing it to make herself feel better. I don't know maybe I am over analyzing.
Theoden,
Thanks again for your insights and encouragement. Yes, my wife has totally re-written our history. Some of what she is saying I can see.... While we were dating I used to play minor league baseball and the only reason I stopped was the fact that life style is hard on married couples. I did not think it was fair to put her through poverty with no promises of me making it. She uses this as an example of manipulating me and as an example of her immaturity. To be honest I missed playing but I never regretted walking away from it..I love her more then I did Baseball.
To answer your brain teaser: Yes....I have always found my happiness and self worth by helping others and sports. It did not matter what I did if it was mowing my grandparents lawn, coaching, teaching sunday school, helping a friend move, etc..... I am learning that I need to start doing somethings for myself.. I am trying to make more of an effort to hangout with some of my friends..Hopefully my neighbor will be stopping by shortly. Soon(in the next month or two) I am going to finish the bounce room above my garage. I enjoy construction, even though I am not a carpenter. I also plan on building a deck once the bounce room is completed. Now I need to some how get the W to work less, so I can have a better workout routine. I actually asked my MIL to bring that up with my wife. I was afraid if I did we would get into an argument.
I still hate the distance between my W and I. Like you said I need to give her her space so that she can start drawing towards me... Lets just hope and pray that she does.
Superdad,
Your absolutely right the lord gives us all free will even if the choice is againest his will. The bible is pretty clear about how god views divorce Mal 2:16 "I hate Divorce, says the Lord God....." But the bible also tells us that he gives us the freedom to choose. Throughout the last 3 months Gods will has been shown to my wife multiple times and she keeps ingoring him. Sorry if I am coming across as a religous nut.... I just hope one of these days she gets shaken out of this state that she is in.
I hate this...I hate this....I hate this....I want my wife back..
But for some reason that SOB was able to connect with my wife in a way that I couldn't. Now I just need to get a chance to connect with her again in that way and all the other ways we have connected through the years.
-EmtnRllrCstr
I so feel your pain! Hang in there! Have more to say, will post later.
My W came home last night from reading her old prayer journals and wanted to share with me. Which is good. She started reading some of the things that she had prayed for me over the years, it was interesting to hear her thoughts. But when she was done she said this "I did what God called me to do...." she was speaking about our R our M in past tense like it is over. I have to admit I did not say anything like I wanted to, I kept my mouth shut..Which is hard. I want to scream wake up lady..... Oh, another comment that she made was this "She stated that her journals will really help our girls in there lives and that our girls will be good". How in the world can she not see the devastation divorce has on kids? It tears me up.... Well I am going to keep up the detaching from her problems and try my best to GAL. I really hope I do not back slide.
Thanks everyone for the support, you are all in my prayers.
Got another question and observation that I made this morning.
First the question: My wife is at the Gym with a 2 DD and is basically making me pick them up from the Gym so she can have time to shower and get ready for work. I need to take care of my kids and they love going to the Gym day care.. Am I letting my wife walk on me by her telling me when and where to pickup our DD? I guess if I am asking then she is.... this is a reoccuring theme for me.... How do I put an end to it?
Now for my observation: While eating donuts this morning with my W and 2 DD I observed my W and two year trying to communicate with each other. Neither of them could get the other to see what they were seeing so my 2 year ended up just screaming NO/STOP in frustration. The observation that I made is that I am currently living with 3 little girls that I cannot rationalize with and only their wants and feeling matter. Now I expect this from my 2 DD but from my wife? Like the theoden stated earlier "your wife is not herself..She nuts". I am starting to see this and trying to have a sense of humor about to.
This has got to be the toughest sitch that I have ever been in.
The observation that I made is that I am currently living with 3 little girls that I cannot rationalize with and only their wants and feeling matter. -EmtnRllrCstr
Yes, I know. In my case also, unfortunately they are very selfish and immature. They do whatever makes them happy and do not see the devastation they cause and in my opinion they will see it many years down the road when it will be too late.
Originally Posted By: EmtnRllrCstr
But for some reason that SOB was able to connect with my wife in a way that I couldn't. Now I just need to get a chance to connect with her again in that way and all the other ways we have connected through the years. -EmtnRllrCstr
I have think it is because they are getting from them something they are not getting from you and I think it is that new exciting feeling which is addicting for some people (which doesn't last anyways)that gets them sucked into other people.
I think, but I am trying to do everything this OW is doing for him to beat her at her own game kind of and he just can't seem to let her go, so there must be something else... but what?
As for you picking up DD at her convenience all the time, if it becomes a habit for her, maybe be busy one time... say, I'm sorry, but you will need to make other arrangements, I cannot pick her up today. If it is something planned ahead of time, maybe tell her ahead of time that you will not be able to because of another appointment you cannot break. But be nice about it. This way, you are not always available and you are distancing yourself from your wife and maybe she will start to wonder what you are doing.
It is the hardest thing I have been through, too. Even having 3 children and going through labor was easier than this!!
