SB (Stupid Boy) said something about 3 weeks that got me thinking. He said he needed a few days to think about things. I asked him what sort of things. He said he needs to be sure he's doing everything for the right reasons. One of the things he is doing, in his mind, is NOT divorcing me.
Now, in most people's mind, since we've been married over 18 years, divorcing me would be be doing something, where as NOT divorcing me is not. But he had contemplated it, so this is an action in his mind. Saying "I love you" is like asking me to marry him again. Until he is faithful and committed to staying faithful and in this marriage, to grow old together and have the grandkids come by, he's not gonna say it because then he'd have to break up with me again if he trusts me with his feelings and I end up throwing his A in his face everyday and make his life a living Hell. Ironically, he just doesn't trust me not to say, "But you said you LUUUV me...." if he disappoints me in this journey we're on trying to put this marriage thang back together.
I felt that when I said it, even though he'd say it back sometimes, that I was pushing him. In my sitch, I just don't think that's wise, so I say "Have a great day/night" or "Talk to ya soon sweetie" when ending our conversations instead of the ILY we used to close with.
We'll get there. I have faith that he'll soon be saying it so often that I'll be rolling my eyes (he can't see that over the phone) but that the next time he says it will mean more than the first time, many years ago.
